Author: admin

TRADITION(Jewish Humor)

During a service at an old synagogue in Eastern Europe, when the Shema prayer was said, half the congregants stood up and half remained sitting. The half that was seated started yelling at those standing to sit down, and the ones standing yelled at the ones sitting to stand up…

The rabbi, learned as he was in the Law and commentaries, didn’t know what to do. His congregation suggested that he consult a housebound 98-year old man, who was one of the original founders of their temple. The rabbi hoped the elderly man would be able to tell him what the actual temple tradition was, so he went to the nursing home with a representative of each faction of the congregation.

The one whose followers stood during Shema said to the old man, “Is the tradition to stand during this prayer?”

The old man answered, “No, that is not the tradition.” The one whose followers sat asked, “Is the tradition to sit during Shema?”

The old man answered, “No, that is not the tradition.”

Then the rabbi said to the old man, “The congregants fight all the time, yelling at each other about whether they should sit or stand…”

The old man interrupted, exclaiming, “THAT is our tradition!”

“That’s my favorite song”, Tom said off the record.

“I’ll have to make another pastry”, Tom retorted.

“I love mathematics!!”, Tom added.

“Look it’s Free Willy!!”, Tom wailed out.

“I dropped my toothpaste”, Tom said crestfallen.

“I just got a pacemaker”, Tom said half-heartedly.

A customs agent stopped an old Jewish man who had just emigrated to Israel and asked him to open his two suitcases. In the first suitcase he found over a million dollars in one dollar bills.

“Excuse me, sir” he asked the old gentleman, “where did you get all this money?”

“Vell, I’ll tell you,” the old man began, “for many years, I traveled all around America, I stopped at all of the public rest rooms in all the major cities; I vent to New York, then I vent to Chicago, then I vent to SanFrancisco. I vent into all the stalls vhere the men were spritzing and I say ‘Give me a dollar for Israel or I’ll cut off your testicles vit my knife’.

“That’s quite a story,” the customs agent said, “what’s in the second suitcase?”

“Vell, you know,” said the old jew, shaking his head, “not everyone likes to give…”

A second grader came home from school and said to her mother, “Mom, guess what? We learned how to make babies today.”The mother, more that a little surprised, asked fearfully, “That’s interesting. How do you make babies?””It’s simple,” replied the girl.”You just change ‘y’ to ‘i’ and add ‘es’.”