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Blonde Bank Robbers

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Two blondes decided to rob a bank together. The first
Blonde, Judy, planned the robbery and went over the plan with the second
blonde, Buffy, in great detail.

The robbery began. Judy drove up in front of the bank,
Stopped the car and said to Buffy, “I want to make
Absolutely sure you understand the plan. You are supposed to be in and out of
the bank in no more than three minutes with the cash. Do you
Understand the plan?”

“Perfectly,” replied Buffy.

Buffy went in the bank while Judy waited in the getaway
Car. One minute passed…three minutes pass…seven
Minutes pass… and Judy was really stressing out.

Finally, the bank doors burst open! And here came Buffy.She had a safe wrapped
up in rope and is dragging it to the car.

About the time she got the safe in the trunk of the car, the bank doors burst
open again with the security guard coming out. The guard’s pants and underwear
are down around his ankles while he was firing his weapon.

As the gals are getting away, Judy yelled, “You are such a Blonde! I thought
you understood the plan!”

Buffy said, “I did. I did exactly what you said!”

“No, you idiot!” snapped Judy. “You got it all mixed up. I said, ‘tie up the
GUARD and blow the SAFE!'”

There was this Fly

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There was this fly hovering about 8 inches above the surface of the river, but unbeknown to the fly, just below the surface of the river there was this salmon looking up at the fly thinking, ‘If that fly was to come just six inches lower I would leap out of this water and have it for my tea.’ But unbeknown to the fish, there was this bear watching it, thinking, ‘If that fly was to come just six inches lower, that fish would leap out of the water and take it for its tea, and I could reach out and take that fish for my tea.’ But unbeknown to the bear, in the bushes was a hunter with his gun thinking, ‘If that fly was to come just six inches lower, that fish would leap out of the water and take it for its tea, that bear would reach out and take that fish for its tea, and I could lean forward with my gun and shoot that bear.’ But, unbeknown to the hunter, there was this mouse thinking, ‘If that fly was to come just six inches lower, that fish would leap out of the water and take it for its tea, that bear would reach out and take that fish for its tea, that hunter would lean forward with his gun and shoot that bear and I could run between the hunters legs and have his sandwich’s for my tea.’ But unbeknown to the mouse, there was this cat thinking, ‘If that fly was to come just six inches lower, that fish would leap out of the water and take it for its tea, that bear would reach out and take that fish for its tea, that hunter would lean forward with his gun and shoot that bear, that mouse would run between the hunters legs and have his sandwich’s for its tea and I could leap onto the mouse and have it for my tea.’
Just then the fly dropped six inches, the fish jumped, the bear reached, the hunter leaned, the mouse ran, the cat leaped and missed, falling into the water.

Which only goes to prove that “Whenever a fly drops six inches there is going to be a wet pussy”.

Pub Crawl

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An Irishman’s been drinking at a pub all night. When he stands up to leave, he falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, but to no avail. Again, he falls flat on his face. He figures he’ll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside, he stands up and, sure enough, he falls flat on his face. The Irishman decides to crawl the four blocks to his home. When he arrives at the door, he stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed, he tries one more time to stand up. This time, he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed. He is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow. He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, ”So, you’ve been out drinking again!” ”Why do you say that?” he asks innocently. ”The pub called. You left your wheelchair there again.”

Poor Kid

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First grade class comes in from recess.

Teacher asks Alice: “What did you do at recess?” Alice says, “I played in
the sand box.” Teacher says, “That’s good. Go to the blackboard, and if
you can write ‘sand’ correctly, I’ll give you a fresh-baked cookie.” She
does and gets a cookie.

Teacher asks Billy what he did at recess. Billy says, “I played with Alice
in sand box.” Teacher says, “Good. If you write ‘Box’ correctly on
blackboard, I’ll give you a fresh baked cookie.” Billy does, and gets a
cookie.

Teacher then asks Mustaffa Machmoud what he did at recess. He says, “I
tried to play with Alice and Billy, but they threw rocks at me.” Teacher
says, “Threw rocks at you? That sounds like blatant racial discrimination.
If you can go the blackboard and write ‘blatant racial discrimination’
I’ll give you a cookie.”

You Might Be A

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You Might Be A Redneck Jedi If…….

You ever heard the phrase, “May the force be with y’all.”

Your Jedi robe is a camouflage color.

You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Boone’s Farm Strawberry Hill.

At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored.

You have bantha horns on the front of your land speeder.

You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.

You have ever had an X-wing up on blocks in your yard.

You ever lost a hand during a light saber fight because you had to spit.

The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.

Wookies are offended by your B.O.

You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn’t have to wait for a commercial.

You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing/bowling.

Your father has ever said to you, “Shoot, son come on over to the dark side…it’ll be a hoot.”

You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light.

You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your landspeeder.

You think Han Solo would look better in a flannel cause he looks like a little sissy in that vest.

You ever fantasized about Princess Leah wearing Daisy Duke shorts.

You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window.

Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.

You ever fell in love with your sister.

You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.

You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels on the rocks during the cantina scene.

In your opinion, that Darth Vader fellow just “ain’t right.”

There was a girl who needed to borrow her…

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There was a girl who needed to borrow her
dad’s car. So she went to her dad and she
asked, “Dad, I need to borrow your car.”

So her dad thinks about it and he says, “Well
you have to suck my dick first.”

So the girl
agrees and starts to suck his dick. “Dad”,
she says, “your dick tastes like shit!”

“Yea”
he said, “Your brother needed to borrow the
car too.”

10 REASONS IT’S GREAT TO BE A GUY!

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1) You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover’s about to
leave you.
2) You get to jump up and slap stuff.
3) Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
4) One mood, all the time
5) You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him.
6) You never have to drive on to another gas station because this one’s just
too seedy.
7) You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
8) You can sit with you knees apart no matter what you’re wearing.
9) Same work…more pay!
10) Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.

Yo mama…

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so fat that every time she turns around it’s here birthday.

so fat that she wears a microwave as a beeper.

so ugly when she was an infant the doctor stuck the themometer in her
mouth.

so fat that when she plays hopscotch she goes, New York, Virgina, Florida,
etc.

so dirty she leaves a streak in a mud slide.

so stupid when told her to make up her mind, she put make-up around her
head.

so stupid, if gasoline was brains she couldn’t drive around in a cheerio.

so stupid, when she went to buy a new car they told her how the maxium
was, she asked for the minium.

house is so small the welcome just say well.

so fat she was the last eclispe.

so baldhead I can see what she’s thinking.

so fat that when got on a scale it said to be continued.

so fat that when somebody to her to pull herself together, she had to
FEDEX herself from around the world.

so fat that when she got on a scale it said truck stop 2 miles down the
road on the left.