Author: admin

Getting the Contract

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Back in the old west, there was a need to connect the east and the west with a telegraph line. The Manager of the project advertised for workers to complete the job.

Three groups responded. A group of Chinese, a group of Italians, and a group of Blondes.

Since none of the groups would work with anyone from the other two groups, the manager decided to assign each group to a different part of the line.

The first task was to stand the telegraph poles. The Manager sent each group out to a different location. Before they left, he advised all three groups that the one to bury the most poles today, would receive a bonus.

At the end of the day, the foreman of the Italians reported back to the Manager. The Manager inquired of him how many poles had been set by his group. He replied 48. The manager was very pleased. He advised the Italian to stay awhile until he heard how the Chinese and the Blondes did.

Next to report was the foreman of the Chinese group. When asked, he reported that they had set 53 poles that day. Again the manager was delighted. He dismissed the Italian foreman and asked the Chinese leader to remain until the Blondes checked in.

A little while later the Blonde forewoman reported to the Manager. “How many poles did your group set?” He asked. “Two.” Replied the Blonde forewoman. “Two!” Exclaimed the Manager. “The Italians set 48 poles, and the Chinese set 53. How could you Blondes have only set two poles?” He demanded.

“It may be true the Italians and Chinese buried more poles than us.” Replied the Blonde. “But you should see how much of the poles they left sticking out of the ground!”

Deaf Genie

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A man walks into a bar and sees a guy with a really big lighter.
He asks the man,”Where did you get such a big lighter?”
The man replies,”See that man playing piano over there?
He’s a genie and he’ll grant you one wish.”

So the guy walks over to the genie and says,”I wish for a million bucks.” All of a sudden the room fills up with a million ducks.

The man walks over to the guy with the lighter and says, “That genie is a little hard of hearing isn’t he.”

The guy replies, “no kidding”!
You think I asked for a 14 inch bic!”

Acronyms-Abbreviations Coded Really Ominously Null

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PCMCIA – People Can’t Memorize Computer Industry
SCSI – System Can’t See It
DOS – Defunct Operating System
BASIC – Bill’s Attempt to Seize Industry Control
IBM – I Blame Microsoft
CD-ROM – Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months
OS/2 – Obsolete Soon, Too
ISDN – I Simply Don’t Know

Rules of Combat

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1.) If the enemy is in range, so are you.

2.) Incoming fire has the right of way.

3.) Don’t look conspicuous: it draws fire.

4.) The easy way is always mined.

5.) Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.

6.) Professionals are predictable, it’s the amateurs that are dangerous.

7.) The enemy invariably attacks on one of two occasions:

When you’re ready for them.

When you’re not ready for them.

8.) Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy someone else to shoot at.

9.) If you can’t remember, the claymore is pointed at you.

10.) If your attack is going well, you have walked into an ambush.

11.) Don’t draw fire, it irritates the people around you.

12.) The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.

13.) When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not oer friend.

14.) If it’s stupid but works, it isn’t stupid.

15.) When in doubt empty the magazine.

16.) Never share a fox hole with anyone braver than you.

17.) Anything you do can get you shot. Including doing nothing.

18.) Make it too tough for the enemy to get in and you can’t get out.

19.) Mines are equal opportunity weapons.

20.) A Purple Heart just proves that were you smart enough to think of a plan, stupid enough to try it, and lucky enough to survive.

21.) Don’t ever be the first, don’t ever be the last and don’t ever volunteer to do anything.

22.) The quartermaster has only two sizes: too large and too small.

23.) Five second fuses only last three seconds

Drink Jet Fuel

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Bud and Jim are airline mechanics in Atlanta. One slow work day
Bud complained they had nothing to drink. Jim said he had heard
that you could drink jet fuel to get a buzz and they decided to
try it. After only a few drinks they were both wasted. The next
morning Bud woke up and felt great, no hangover, nothing! The
phone rang and it was Jim:

Jim: How you feel this morning?
Bud: Great, and you?
Jim: I feel fine too!
Bud: Man we gotta try this stuff again!
Jim: Well, tthere is one problem.
Bud: What is it?
Jim: Have you farted yet?
Bud: No.
Jim: Don’t!!! ‘Cause I’m in Phoenix!!!!

Don Juan

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One afternoon, three close friends named Hercules, Sleeping Beauty and Don
Juan, sat by the river contemplating their lives.

Bold and arrogant, Hercules exclaimed that he was surely the strongest person
in the world.

“That may be true”, said Sleeping Beauty, “But I am better because I am
obviously the most beautiful person in the world.”

Don Juan laughed at both of them and said that without a doubt, he must be the
greatest person alive simply because he had been with the most women.

After several hours of argument, they decided to consult a Guru for the truth.

First, Hercules went into Guru’s cave. A few moments later he came out with
a massive grin on his face. The Guru had said that he was, in fact, the
strongest person in the world. He was very pleased.

Sleeping beauty came out of the cave with a lovely smile: “It is true! I AM
the most beautiful woman in the world!”

Moments later a distraught Don Juan came stomping out of the cave: “Who the
hell is Bill Clinton!!???”