Larry’s barn burned down and his wife, Susan, called the insurance company. Susan told the insurance company, “We had that barn insured for fifty thousand and I want my money.” The agent replied, “Whoa there, just a minute, Susan. Insurance doesn’t work quite like that. We will ascertain the value of what was insured and provide you with a new one of comparable worth.” There was a long pause before Susan replied, “Then I’d like to cancel the policy on my husband.”
Author: admin
Chastity Belt Key!
In days of old, when knights were bold, this particular knight was leaving for a crusade and called one of his squires, “I’m leaving for the crusade. Here is the key to my wife’s chastity belt. If, in 10 years, I haven’t returned, you may use the key as I’m sure she will have needs” The knight sets out on the dusty road, armored from head to toe. He takes one last look at his castle and sees the squire rushing across the drawbridge, yelling, “Stop! Stop! Thank goodness I was able to catch you. This is the WRONG KEY.”
Lipstick
Why did the Avon lady walk funny?
Her lipstick.
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Glaci and Curtis
If a jury in a criminal trial stays out for…
If a jury in a criminal trial stays out for more than twenty
four hours, it is certain to vote acquittal, save in those
instances where it votes guilty.
A Visit to the Marriage Counselor
A married couple are having marital problems. the go to a couselor. The wife explains to him that there are two things about her husband that bother her: He’s always picking his nose and he never lets her get on top when they have sex.
The marraige couselor asks the husband to explain this. The husbands replies that before his father passed away, he gave him two pieces of advice: Always keep your nose clean and never fuck up.
Spice girls
Q. Did you hear Cheer is joining the spice girls?
A. They’re going to call her Old Spice.
Bill y Hillary est�n manejando
Bill y Hillary est�n manejando cerca del pueblo natal de Hillary. Se detienen en una gasolinera. El empleado sale y comienza a llenar el tanque. En esto mira al asiento del pasajero y dice, “Oye, Hillary. �Te acuerdas de m�? Sal�amos juntos en Secundaria.”
Hillary y el empleado platican por unos minutos, Bill paga y siguen su camino.
M�s adelante, Bill le dice a Hillary, con tono burl�n: “�T� sal�as con ese tipo? �Te imaginas lo que ser�a si te hubieras casado con �l?”
Hillary lo mira, se encoge de hombros y le dice, “Bueno, supongo que t� estar�as despachando en una gasolinera y el ser�a el Presidente…”
Blood problem
The problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis…
And only enough blood to run one at a time.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
Power Word to Increase Sales
The manager of a ladies’ dress shop realized it was time to give
one her sales clerks a little talk. “Alice, your figures are
well below any of our other salespeople’s. In fact, unless you
can improve your record soon, I’m afraid I’ll have to let you
go.”
“I’m sorry, Ma’am,” said a humbled Alice. “Can you give me any
advice on how to do better?”
“Well, there is an old trick I can tell you about. It sounds
silly, but it’s worked for me in the past. Get hold of a
dictionary and go through it until you come to a word that had
particular power for you. Memorize it, work it into your sales
pitch whenever it seems appropriate, and you’ll be amazed at the
results.”
Sure enough, Alice’s sales figures went way up, and at the end
of the month, the manager called her in again and congratulated
her. “Did you try my little trick?” she asked.
Alice nodded. “It took me a whole weekend to find the right
word, but I did: ‘fantastic.'”
“‘Fantastic.’ What a good word,” said the manager encouragingly.
“How’ve you been using it?”
“Well, my first customer on Monday was a woman who told me her
little girl had just been accepted at the most exclusive prep
school in the city. I said, ‘Fantastic.’ She went on to tell me
how her daughter always got straight A’s and was the most
popular girl in her class, I said ‘Fantastic’ and she bought
$300 worth of clothing. My next customer said she needed a
formal dress for the spring ball at the country club, which she
was in charge of. I said ‘Fantastic.’ She went on to tell she
had the best figure of anyone on the committee and her husband
makes the most money. I said ‘Fantastic’ and she not only bought
the designer gown, but hundreds of dollars of other merchandise.
It’s been like that all week: the customers keep boasting, I
keep saying ‘Fantastic’, and they keep buying.”
“Excellent work, Alice,” complimented her boss. “Just as a point
of interest, what did you say to customers before you discovered
your power word?”
Alice shrugged. “I used to say, ‘Who gives a damn?'”
Wise Lucy
A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is a liberal Democrat.
She asks her students to raise their hands if they were liberal Democrats too.
Not really knowing what a liberal Democrat was but wanting to be like their
teacher, their hands explode into the air like fleshy fireworks.
There is, however, one exception. A girl named Lucy has not gone along with
the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different. “Because
I’m not a liberal Democrat.”
Then, asks the teacher, what are you? “Why I’m a proud conservative
Republican.”, boasts the little girl.
The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Lucy
why she is a conservative Republican.
“Well, I was brought up to trust in myself instead of relying on an intrusive
government to care for me and do all of my thinking. My Dad and Mom are
conservative Republicans, and I am a conservative Republican too.”
The teacher is now angry. “That’s no reason,” she says loudly. “What if your
Mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?”
A pause, and a smile. “Then,” says Lucy, “I’d be a liberal Democrat.”
Try to explain women
A man dies and goes to Heaven. He gets to meet GOD and asks GOD if he can ask him a few questions.”Sure,” GOD says, “Go right ahead”. “OK,” the man says. “Why did you make women so pretty?”GOD says, “So you would like them.” “OK,” the guy says. “But how come you made them so beautiful?” “So you would LOVE them”, GOD replies. The man ponders a moment and then asks, “But why did you make them such airheads?” GOD says, “So they would love you!”
Tell Two Horses Apart
A blonde bought two horses, and could never remember which was
which.
A neighbor suggested that she cut the tail of one horse and that
worked great until the other horse got his tail caught in a
bush. It tore just right and looked exactly like the other
horse’s tail and our friend was stuck again.
The neighbor suggested her to notch the ear of one horse. That
worked fine until the other horse caught his ear on a barbed
wire fence. Once again the blonde couldn’t tell them apart.
The neighbor suggested she measure the horses for height. When
she did, she was very pleased to find that the white horse was 2
inches taller than the black.