Yours Fun Portal !
Dentist begging the patient: Could you help me? Could you give out a few of your loudest, most painful screams?
Patient: Why? Doc, it isn’t all that bad this time.
Dentist: There are so many people in the waiting room right now and I don’t want to miss the 4 o’clock ball game!
one day at school the kids were learning their colors and the teacher said ok i want you to use three colors in a sentence. the first boy goes i sat on the green grass next to the blue lake under the yellow sun the teacher said very good the next boy said i rode the yellow bus sat on the gray seat with my red back pack very good she said and then she turned to the chineese boy who said the telephone go green green i pink it up and say yellow
It just doesn’t get any Beta than this.
Which vice president was ticked off because he felt that HIS record of sexual
conquests was much more “impressive” (i.e. numerous) than the President’s?
Lyndon B. Johnson
Why don’t Iraqis have Drivers Ed and Sex Ed on the same day?
It’s too hard on the camels!
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
Yo mama’s so dumb, her favorite color is clear!
If Mama Cass had given Karen Carpenter half of
that ham sandwich they would both be alive today.
One night a wife found her husband standing over their newborn baby’s crib. Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, skepticism. Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arms around her husband.
“A penny for your thoughts.” she whispered in his ear.
“It’s amazing!” he replied. “I just can’t see how anybody can make a crib like that for only $46.50!”
During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the vicar with an unusual
offer. “Look, I�ll give you $100 if you�ll change the wedding vows. When you get
to me and the part where I�m to promise to �love, honor and obey� and �forsaking
all others, be faithful to her forever,� I�d appreciate it if you�d just leave
that part out.”
He passed the clergyman the cash and walked away satisfied.
It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved to that
part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the
groom�s vows, the vicar looks the young man in the eye and says:
“Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and
wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally
before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another
woman, as long as you both shall live?”
The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, “Yes�.
The groom leaned toward the vicar and hissed, “I thought we had a deal.”
The vicar put the $100 into his hand and whispered back, “She made me a much
better offer�.
Dear kindhearted friends…
Now that the holiday season has passed, please look into your heart to help
those in need.
Enron executives in our very own country are living at or just below the
seven-figure salary level. And, as if that weren’t bad enough, they will be
deprived of it as a result of the bankruptcy and current SEC investigation.
But now, you can help! For only $20,835 a month, about $694.50 a day (that’s
less than the cost of a large screen projection TV) you can help an Enron
executive remain economically viable during his time of need. This contribution
by no means solves the problem, as it barely covers their per diem, …but it’s
a start!
Almost $700 may not seem like a lot of money to you, but to an Enron exec it
could mean the difference between a vacation spent sucking ass in DC, golfing in
Florida or a Mediterranean cruise. For you, seven hundred dollars is nothing
more than rent, a car note or mortgage payments. But to an Enron exec $700 will
almost replace his per diem.
Your commitment of less than $700 a day will enable an Enron exec to buy that
home entertainment center, trade in the year-old Lexus for a new Ferrari, or
enjoy a weekend in Rio.
A man and his dog walk into a bar. The man proclaims, “I’ll bet you a round of drinks that my dog can talk.”Bartender: “Yeah! Sure…go ahead.”Man: “What covers a house?”Dog: “Roof!”Man: “How does sandpaper feel?”Dog: “Rough!”Man: “Who was the greatest ball player of all time?”Dog: “Ruth!”Man: “Pay up. I told you he could talk.”The bartender, annoyed at this point, throws both of them out the door. Sitting on the sidewalk, the dog looks at the guy and says, “or is the greatest player Mantle?”
1. Our next song is, “Angels we have heard get high.”
2. Don’t let worry kill you, let the church help.
3. For those of you who have children, and don’t know it, we have a
nursery in the Quad area.
4. Remember in prayer, the many who are sick of our church and community
5. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. Monday. Please use the large double
door entrance.
6. The rose on the altar is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer,
the sin of Ray and Ann Belzer
7. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the North and South ends of
the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
8. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Throckmorton to come forward
and lay an egg on the altar.
9. The ladies of the chuch have cast-off clothing of every kind. They can
be seen in the church basement Sunday.
10. Thursday night-potluck supper, prayer and medication to follow.
11. Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of
several new members, and to the deterioration of some older ones.
12. Adult Choir invites anyone who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
13. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be, “What is
Hell?” come early and hear the choir practice.
14. As we begin the Christmas season, we are glad to have as a guest
speaker, Rev. Harvey Green, who has with him Mrs. Green. We request
that all remain after the service to see the Hanging of the Greens.
15. The jr. high department will be presenting Shakespeare’s “Hamlet” in
the church basement at 7 P.M., The congregation is invited to attend
this tragedy.
16. The Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to the church
secretary.