On a recent visited to a cemetery, I saw a dual tombstone where the husband had died, while the wife was still alive. It looked something like this: John Smith Born: July 12, 1926 Died: Feb 7, 1985 Mary Smith Born: July 12, 1926 Died: [ ], 19__She better die this year!
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You Might Be A Redneck…
What’s the last thing you usually hear before a redneck dies?
‘Hey y’all… Watch this!’
How To Pick Up A Chick In Arkansas:
Hey Baby! Nice tooth.
You Might Be A Redneck If…
You think the last three words of the national
anthem is ‘start your engines.’
You Might Be A Redneck If…
Fifth grade was the best six years of your life.
You Might Be A Redneck If…
One of your kids was born on a pool table.
You Might Be A Redneck If…
If you refer to the fifth grade as, “your senior year”.
You Might Be A Redneck If…
You think the stock market has fence around it.
You know yer a redneck when you take a load to the
dump and bring back more than you took.
You Might Be A Redneck If…
You’ve ever been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
You Might Be A Redneck If…
Your grandfather died and left everything to his
widow… but she can’t touch it ’til she’s fourteen.
You Might Be A Redneck If…
The figurines on top your wedding cake were wearing overalls.
You Might Be A Redneck If…
Your favorite restaurant has a sawdust floor
You Might Be A Redneck If…
You’ve ever burped and killed a fly
You Might Be A Redneck If…
There were dogs in the church on your wedding day
You Might Be A Redneck If…
You’re saving up to gravel your driveway.
You Might Be A Redneck If…
You’ve ever bought a used cap.
You Might Be A Redneck If…
You turn the sprinkler on and tell the kids
it’s a water park.
You Might Be A Redneck If…
You’ve ever had to have a wrecker pull your car
out of a pothole in your driveway.
You Might Be A Redneck If…
Your wedding cake was made by Sarah Lee
You Might Be A Redneck If…
You’ve ever had a dream about beef jerky.
You Might Be A Redneck If…
Winn-Dixie catered your wedding.
You Might Be A Redneck If…
Your not actually able to read the Richard Petty Story,
but you sure like to look at the pictures.
You Might Be A Redneck If…
You’ve ever tried to pass an entire funeral procession.
You Might Be A Redneck If…
Your driving a vehicle with no original body parts.
You Might Be A Redneck If…
In preparation for a romantic evening, you stop by the
grocery store for a bottle of Mr. Bubble.
You Might Be A Redneck If…
The fireworks stand gives you a volume discount.
Knock KnockWho’s there?Kareem!Kareem who?Kareem of
Knock KnockWho’s there?Kareem!Kareem who?Kareem of the crop!
You Might Be A Redne
You might be a redneck if….your belt buckle contains more money, than your pockets do.
Deja Moo
Deja Moo:The feeling that you’ve heard this bullshit before.
Orange Yarn
Abraham is an old Jewish man who is a yarn merchant. He lives next door to the biggest anti-Semite in town. One day the anti-Semite calls up Abraham and says, ‘Hey Jew!!!… I need a piece of orange yarn. The length must be from the tip of your nose to the tip of your penis, and I want it delivered tomorrow.’ Abe says, ‘OK.’ The next morning the Anti-Semite is awakened at 7 AM by the sound of running engines. He runs outside to see a row trucks lined up one after the other, dumping truckful after truckful of orange yarn in his front yard. Soon his yard is a 5-foot deep sea of orange yarn. Abe then presents a bill for $18,000 to the anti-Semite. The guy starts yelling and screaming at Abe. ‘What is this? This is not what I asked for! I told you I needed a piece of yarn from the end of your nose to the tip of your penis. Look at this place! What do you have to say for yourself?’ Straightfaced, Abe replies ‘I’m very careful when I deal with people like you, that’s why I got a few witnesses here with me. I may be off by a few miles, so I gave you a 2% discount; but the tip of my penis is in Poland.’
El primer d�a de clases,
El primer d�a de clases, la maestra pregunta a sus alumnos:
“Juanito, �cu�l es la profesi�n de tu mam�?”
“Secretaria, profesora”.
“�Y tu mam�, Pepito, a qu� se dedica?”
“�Mi mam�? Mi mam� es sustituta”.
“�C�mo dices?”
“�Sustituta!”
“Esa profesi�n no existe, Pepito. Por favor, expl�canos lo que hace tu madre”.
“Bueno, mi mam� se para en una esquina y all� llegan unos se�ores que le dan dinero; entonces ella entra con ellos a un cuarto de hotel y, despu�s de media hora, los se�ores salen apret�ndose el cintur�n…”
“�Pero, Pepito, entonces tu mam� no es sustituta, sino prostituta!”
“�No, no, la puta es mi t�a que est� enferma! Mi mam� s�lo le est� cuidando la esquina…”
Blondog
Why does a blond dog have lumps on his head?
From chasing parked cars!
Learn Chinese in 5 Minutes
I am not guilty. Wai Hang Mi? I got this for free. Ai No Pei You are not very bright. Yu So Dum Do you know the lyrics to the Macarena? Wai Yu Sing Dum Song? This is a tow away zone. No Pah King I thought you were on a diet. Wai Yu Mun Ching? That was an unauthorized execution. Lin Ching Has your flight been delayed? Hao Long Wei Ting? Please, stay a while longer. Wai Go Nao? Our meeting was scheduled for next week. Wai Yu Kum Nao They have arrived. Hia Dei Kum Stay out of sight Lei Lo He’s cleaning his automobile Wa Shing Ka Your body odor is offensive. Yu Stin Ki Pu It’s very dark in here. Wai So Dim? I think you need a facelift. Chin Tu Fat I bumped into a coffee table. Ai Bang Mai Ni Did you go to the beach? Wai Yu So Tan? Small Horse Tai Ni Po Ni Stupid Man Dum Gai See me A.S.A.P. Kum Hia Nao Are you harbouring a fugitive? Hu Yu Hai Ding?
Nice Round of Golf
It was a sunny Saturday morning, and Joe was beginning his pre-shot routine, visualizing his upcoming shot when a voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker – “Would the gentleman on the woman’s tee please back up to the men’s tee, please!”
Joe was still deep in his routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption.
Again the announcement – “Would the man on the women’s tee kindly back up the men’s tee!”
Joe had had enough. He shouted, “Would the announcer in the clubhouse kindly shut up and let me play my second shot!”
animal crackers
A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store
and began putting away the groceries. The boy opened the
box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table.
“What are you doing?” his mother asked.
“The box says you can’t eat them if the seal is broken,”
the boy explained. “I’m looking for the seal.”
Captain Hook
How did Captain Hook die?
Jock itch.