Your momma is so fat, she was swimming in the ocean and all the whales started singing, “we are family”.
Author: admin
Rush Limbaugh
Rush Limbaugh is being driven through the country and when he nears a farm, the chauffeur accidentally runs over a pig. Rush Limbaugh says that the chauffuer better go in and apologize and pay for the pig. The chauffuer is in there for 10 hours. When he comes out, Rush Limbaugh asks what happened and the chauffeur says, “Well, I went in and told them and the farmer gave me a feast and the mother and daughter gave me incredible sex for 7 hours!!” “Well, what did you say?!” cries Rush Limbaugh jealously. “Oh, I told them that I was Rush Limbaugh’s chauffeur and I’d just killed the pig.”
Un d�a Juan se sinti�
Un d�a Juan se sinti� seguro sobre su vocaci�n y entr� al Monasterio del Silencio. El principal del Monasterio al darle la bienvenida le dijo: “Hermano, seas bienvenido y puedes permanecer aqu� todo el tiempo que quieras, pero la regla es que no puedes hablar a menos que yo te de permiso.”
El hermano Juan vivi� en el monasterio durante un a�o sin decir una palabra, hasta que un d�a el principal le dijo: “Hermano, ya has vivido un a�o con nosotros, as� que puedes decir dos palabras, recuerda, solamente dos palabras.”
“Cama dura”, dijo Juan.
“Siento mucho oir eso. Te asignaremos una cama mejor.”
Un a�o despues, el hermano Juan fue llamado nuevamente por el principal: “Puedes decir ahora otras dos palabras, hermano.”
“Comida fria”, balbucea el pobre Juan.
En su tercer aniversario en el monasterio, el principal volvi� a llamar al hermano: “Dos palabras puedes decir hoy hermano Juan.”
“�Yo renuncio!”, exclam� Juan.
“Es lo mejor que puedes hacer”, le respondi� el principal, “�porque lo �nico que has hecho desde que llegaste es quejarte de todo!”
Heart Attack Victim
The rescue squad was called to the home of an elderly couple for a heart attack the gentleman was having. When the squad got there it was too late and the man had died. While consoling the wife one of the rescuers noticed that the bed was a mess. He asked the lady what symptoms the man had suffered and if anything had precipitated the heart attack. The lady replied, “Well, we were in the bed making love and he started moaning, groaning, thrashing about the bed, panting, and sweating. I thought he was coming – but I guess he was going.
Both croaked.
A man came home and found his wife in bed with another man. He challenged the
stranger to a duel. They walked into another room and closed the door. Then the
man said to the stranger, “Why should any of us die? Let’s both shoot into the
air, then we fall to the floor and wait. She will sprint in. To whomever she
will rush, let that man have her.” The stranger agreed. They both shot into the
air and fell to the floor. The wife rushed in, looked at the two bodies and
shouted, “Darling, you may come out, they both croaked.”
USC commencement
During USC’s commencement, the President was giving his usual address to the graduating class. While he was giving his address, some people in the back began to chant, “Graduate Bubba, graduate Bubba.” After a few minutes, the chant grew so loud that the President could no longer continue with his address. He says, “Alright, I give up. Bubba, come on up here.” This really huge offensive lineman comes up on stage. The President asks, “Are you Bubba?” Bubba replies quietly, “Yes sir.”
“How long have you been here at USC Bubba?”
“Six years sir.”
“Six years and you still haven’t graduated?”
“No sir.”
“Alright Bubba, I’ll tell you what. If you can answer one question correctly, I’ll graduate you right here on the spot. Is that fair?”
Bubba once again says in his quiet voice, “Yes sir.” So the President then asks him, “Ok Bubba, what’s nine times nine?” Bubba quickly gets to work, counting on his fingers and anything else he finds. After nearly five minutes of counting and recounting Bubba finally says, “I got it.” The President then asks, “So Bubba, what’s nine times nine?” “Eighty-one,” replies Bubba. The crowd, in a unanimous roar, begins to chant, “GIVE BUBBA ANOTHER CHANCE, GIVE BUBBA ANOTHER CHANCE.”
Blond Rakeing Leaves
Q. How did the blond kill her self by rakeing leaves?
A. She fell out of the tree
Meanwhile, back at the ranch,
Meanwhile, back at the ranch, tension mounted… and rode off.
The following are only learned from college
11. Two meals a day are standard. One for some!12. Recycling becomes synonomous with laundry (“Oh, my jeans can last until Christmas…there’s only a *little* bit of mud on them…”).13. You can never make too many meals in a hot pot (or pizelle maker).14. 10 minutes is more than enough time to get ready for your first class (not that this is anything really new).15. Going to the mailbox was never an ego booster/breaker before.16. It takes more than one person to carry your laundry, books, trash, or alcohol.17. If the lecture hall is big enough, get someone else’s notes.18. You begin to nap again (also not new).19. Your bill in the bookstore will almost equal tuition.20. Isn’t it amazing that the book your professor wrote is always required for his class?
In an ad for a swimwear store:…
In an ad for a swimwear store:
“Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops!”
Dirty Knees
What do you call the nurse with dirty knees?
Head nurse
One Mean Preacher
Ounce there was this truck driver who loved to hit people on the side
of the road. One day the truck driver saw a preacher on the side of
the road and decided to pick him up. As he was driving along the road
he seen somebody and thought to himself. Man I have not hit anybody
all day; I’ve got to hit him. So the truck driver decided to fake a
heart attack, swerve and hit the guy. So as he got closer he began to
swerve. Oh my OOH I’m having a heart attack. After this little show the
driver asked the preacher. Oh my god I seen the guy on the side of the
road did I hit him. The preacher responded “No, you didn’t hit him but
you got close enough for me to hit him with this gas can”.