Author: admin

Un transportista llevaba una partida de ping�inos hacia el zool�gico, cuando a medio camino se le estropea el cami�n refrigerado. Preocupado, trata de reparar el problema y al ver pasar un cami�n repartidor de leche consigue que se detenga. Entonces le dice al lechero:

“Mira, te voy a dar $500 para que me hagas el favor de llevar estos ping�inos al zool�gico”.

El lechero toma el dinero y se lleva con gusto a los p�jaros en su cami�n refrigerado. Mientras tanto, el transportista logra arreglar el da�o, y de inmediato enfila hacia el zool�gico. En cuanto llega, ve salir al lechero con los ping�inos, en fila, detr�s de �l. El conductor le pregunta al lechero:

“�Ad�nde vas con los ping�inos?”

“Mira, ya los lleve al zool�gico, pero como me sobr� dinero los voy a llevar al cine”.

Llega un nuevo recluso a una c�rcel de baja seguridad, donde todos los presos pernoctan en un dormitorio colectivo. Algo as� como dos mil tipos acostados en un solo sal�n. Lo que llam� la atenci�n del nuevo era que todos los presidiarios se echaban pedos soplados, es decir, sin hacer ruido.

“Yo les voy a ense�ar a estos cabrones como se echa un buen pedo”, pens�.

Despu�s de la cena, que consisti� en unos frijoles reci�n hervidos, el tipo empez� a sentir que todos se echaban pedos muy hediondos pero que no sonaban. En esas estaban, cuando sinti� ganas; dirigi�ndose a sus compa�eros les grit�:

“�As� se echan los pedos, cabrones!”

“�Prrrrrrrrrr!”

En ese momento se empez� a escuchar un murmullo que fue creciendo en intensidad. Uno de los reos grita:

“Si van a rifar ese culito virgen yo pago lo que sea”.

Y se le fueron encima.

This guy decides to go ice fishing one day, he gets up at 2am to have an early start. When he arrives he gets out his saw and begins carving away at the ice when all of a sudden he hears an echoing voice, “There are no fish under the ice there.”

The dude freaks out looks around but sees no one. So he waits a few minutes then decides there is no one around and keeps carving. A few minutes later the voice comes back, “There are no fish under the ice there!”

“Wow!”, thinks the dude to himself, “Wow, God is giving me guidance.”

So he once again starts to carve away at another part of the ice. He hears the bellowing voice, “Sir this is the rink manager, and there are no fish under the ice anywhere.”

If you get in my way, I’ll kill you!

– ideal project manager

If you get in my way, you’ll kill me!

– somewhat less than ideal project manager

If I get in my way, I’ll kill you!

– somewhat misguided project manager

If I get in your way, I’ll kill you!

– A tough project manager (eats glass, live cats, etc.)

If get kill in will way I you.

– dyslexic, functionally illiterate project

manager

I am the way! Kill me if you can!

– messianic project manager

Get away, I’ll kill us all!

– suicidal project manager

If you kill me, I’ll get in your way.

– thoughtful but ineffective project manager

If I kill you, I’ll get in your way.

– project manager who has trouble dealing with the obvious

If a you getta ina my way, I gonna breaka you arm.

– project manager from New York

I am quite confident that there is nothing in the way, so

no one will get killed.

– project manager who is about to get in big trouble

If you kill me, so what? If you get in my way, who cares?

– weak, uninspired, lackluster project manager

If I kill me, you’ll get your way.

– pragmatic project manager

Kill me, it’s the only way.

– every project manager to date.

A woman walks into her accountant’s office, telling him she needs to file her taxes for the financial year.

“Fine,” the accountant says to his client, “but before we begin, I’ll need to ask a few questions.”

He takes her particulars: name, address, social security number, etc.

Eventually, he comes on to her current occupation. “What are you working as at the moment?” he asks.

The woman replies, “I’m a whore.”

“No, no, no!” barks the accountant. “That’ll never work! It’s far too crass!

Let’s try to rephrase that.”

“Okay,” says the woman, “err… I’m a prostitute?”

“No, no. That’s still far too crude. Can’t you think of something else?”

They both sit thinking for a minute, then the woman suddenly blurts out,

“I’m a chicken farmer.”

The accountant is dumbstruck. “What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a prostitute?”

“Well,” says the woman, “I must have raised over 300 cocks last year!”

Submitted by calamjo
Edited by yisman

A Pastor was walking past a pet shop one day when he noticed a sign in the window: “Christian Horse for Sale.” Being that the Pastor owned a large ranch, he was immediately interested, and went into the shop.

The owner took the Pastor out to the back, where he saw a beautiful Arabian stallion. He agreed to allow the Pastor to take a “test run.”

The Pastor grabbed the reins. “giddyap.” The horse ignored him. “no, no,” counseled the owner. This is a Christian horse. If you want him to move, you must say, “Praise the Lord!” The Pastor did as he was told, and the horse started off on a leisurely walk. However, he soon found that the horse would not stop. “He won’t answer to ‘Whoa’, said the owner. It’s “Amen.”

The Pastor decided that he liked the horse, so he bought him and took him home to his ranch in the country. He saddled the horse up again, said, “Praise the Lord,” and went riding into the countryside.

Suddenly, the horse saw a rattlesnake crossing the path. Frightened, he reared and bolted straight for a cliff.

The Pastor cried “whoa!” but the horse only ran faster. In vain, he tried one word after another. Finally, he remembered the correct command and screamed “AMEN!!!!!” just as the horse approached the edge of the cliff.

The Pastor was so thrilled that his life had been saved that he raised his hands to the sky and shouted, “PRAISE THE LORD!”