a gay man went to the doctor to see if there was anything he could give him to grow hair on his chest, the doctor told him to rub vasoline on it every night before he went to bed and it should help. So he went home and rubbed down just then his boyfriend walked in and asked what in the hell he was doing, so he explained what the doctor had said. The boyfriend responded if that was true you would have a ponytail hanging out of your ass.
Author: admin
Question and answer blonde joke
Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?A: Tell her a joke on Wednesday.
Mortician’s prize
A mortician was working late one night preparing bodies for burial. As he examined the body of a Mr. Schwartz, he made an amazing discovery. The man had the largest penis he had ever seen. “I’m sorry, Mr.Schwartz,” the mortician said, “but this has to be saved for posterity.” The mortician detached the dead mans schlong, stuffed it into a briefcase and took it home.”Honey,” he said to his wife as he reached in to recover his prize, “I have something to show you that you won’t believe.””Oh, my God!” she screamed as it came into view. “Schwartz is dead?!”
Yo mamas so fat…..
your mamas so fat she jumped in the ocean and the whales started to sing “we are family”
Windows 98 is not a virus.
Windows 98 is not a virus. Viruses are small and efficient!
Tampons With Long Strings
Q: Why do blondes use tampons with extra long strings?
A: So the crabs can go bungee-jumping.
Catholic School
Little Tommy’s parents had tried everything to help his math grade: tutors,
flash cards, “Hooked on Math,” special learning centers, everything. Finally,
they enrolled him in the local Catholic school.
The very first day, he came home with a very serious look on his face, went
straight to his room, and started studying. His mother was amazed. Books and
paper were spread out everywhere and Little Tommy was hard at work. As soon as
dinner was through, he marched right back up to his room without a word and
studied some more. This went on for weeks until Little Tommy proudly brought
home his report card and showed it to his parents:
An A in Math! “Tommy! This is great! I’m so proud of you! Son, what was it?
What helped motivate you? Was it the nuns?” Little Tommy shook his head.
“Well, then, was it the books? The discipline? The structure? The uniforms?
What?” Little Tommy looked at her and said, “Well, Mom, it’s like this.
When I saw that guy out in the lobby nailed to a plus sign, I knew they
weren’t screwing around!”
How Specs live forever
The US Standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That’s an exceedingly odd number.
Why was that gauge used?
Because that’s the way they built them in England, and the US railroads were built by English expatriates.
Why did the English people build them like that?
Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that’s the gauge they used.
Why did “they” use that gauge then?
Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing. Okay!
Why did the wagons use that odd wheel spacing?
Well, if they tried to use any other spacing the wagons would break on some of the old, long distance roads, because that’s the spacing of the old wheel ruts.
So who built these old rutted roads?
The first long distance roads in Europe were built by Imperial Rome for the benefit of their legions. The roads have been used ever since.
And the ruts?
The initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagons, were first made by Roman war chariots. Since the chariots were made for or by Imperial Rome they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing.
Thus, we have the answer to the original questions. The United State standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches derives from the original specification for an Imperial Roman army war chariot. Specs and Bureaucracies live forever.
So, the next time you are handed a specification and wonder what horse’s ass came up with it, you may be exactly right. Because the Imperial Roman chariots were made to be just wide enough to accommodate the back-ends of two war horses.
Cats & Dogs
Cats & Dogs 1. What is a cat? _________________ Cats do what they want. They rarely listen to you. They are totally unpredictable. When you want to play, they want to be alone. When you want to be alone, they want to play. They expect you to cater to their every whim. They are moody. They leave hair everywhere. They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg. Conclusion: They are tiny women in fur coats. ———– 2. What is a dog? __________________ Dogs lie around all day, sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house. They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but they don’t hear you when you are in the same room. They growl when they are not happy. When you want to play, they want to play. When you want to be alone, they want to play. They are great at begging. They will love you forever if you rub their tummies. They leave their toys everywhere. They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss. Conclusion: They are little men in fur coats
Lighthouse: A tall building on the seashore…
Lighthouse: A tall building on the seashore in which the government
maintains a lamp and the friend of a politician.
Twas the byte before Xmas
Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a circuit was working not even in my mouse;
The files were all loaded on the hard disc with care,
In hopes that the FAT would list them as there.
The backups were nestled all snug in their sleeves,
To keep the bytes from dropping off them like leaves;
And the disc drive was quiet, taking a rest
Just waiting to run the next boot-up test.
When out of the speaker there arose such a clatter
I sprang to my desk to see what was the matter.
Away to the keyboard I flew like a flash,
Threw open the drive-door and heard a loud crash.
The lights on the breast of the new-fallen dust
Gave a luster of mid-day to a CRT covered with crust.
When what to my wondering eyes did appear,
But a miniature sleigh and the eight data registers I fear.
With a little old driver, so lively and gloss
I knew in a moment he was a master of DOS.
More rapid than eagles his coursers they came,
And he whistled out and called them by name
“Now Binkley! Now Maximus! Now timEd and Squish!
On, Telix! On, X00! On, Bark and WaZoo!
To the top of the memory! To the top of the stack!
Now dash away! Dash away! Dash away all!”
As leaves before the wild hurricane fly,
When they meet with an obstacle mount to the sky,
So up on the screen the coursers they flew,
With a sleigh full of utilities, and DOS commands too.
As I drew back my head and was turning around,
Out the RS-232 port he came with a bound.
He was dressed all in ROM, from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were all tarnished with bytes and some soot;
A bundle of data he had flung on his back,
And he looked like he had a program he wanted to crack.
His eyes — How they twinkled! His dimples, how merry!
His cheeks were like roses, his nose was a cherry!
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And the beard on his chin was as white as the snow;
The stump of a pipe he held in his teeth,
And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath;
He had a broad face and a round little belly
That shook when he laughed like a bowl full of jelly.
He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,
And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself;
A flash of the CRT and a twist of his head
Soon gave me to know I had lost programs to dread;
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And filled all the RAM; then turned, the big jerk,
And laying a finger aside of his nose,
And giving a nod, in the RS-232 port he goes.
He sprang to the sleigh, his team they all whistled,
And away they all flew like they had sat on a thistle.
But I heard him exclaim, ere he faded out of sight,
“Bug-free programs to all and to all a good night!”
Monkey Smells
A man was walking down the street with a baby ape in his arms when a friend stopped him and asked what he was doing with the chimp.
“I just bought this ape as a pet. We have no children; so he’s going to live with us just like one of the family.
He’ll eat at the same table with us. He’ll even sleep in the same bed with me and my wife.”
“But what about the smell?” the friend asked.
“Oh, he’ll just have to get used to it, the same way I did.”