- Preheat (verb)
- To turn on the heat in an oven for a period of time
before cooking a dish.Allows for the fingers to be
burned when placing the food into the oven, as well as when taking
the food
out.
Author: admin
Idiot husband
One man’s hobby was fishing, he spent all his weekends near the river or lake, paying no attention to weather.
One Sunday, early in the morning, he went to the river, as usual. It was just so cold and raining that he decided to return back to his house. He entered, went to his bedroom, undressed and slipped into bed beside his wife.
“God this is terrible weather today, honey.” he said.
“Yes. And my idiot husband went fishing!”
Ouchies — Medical Excertps
The following are excerpts from various American Medical Journals. Prepare yourself, they are pretty amazing and sick (But all are true) You have been warned!!!!! ———————————–FEMALE SOFA: A 500-pound woman from Illinois was examined in the hospital. During the examination, an asthma inhaler fell from under her armpit, a dime was found under one of her breasts, and a remote control was found lodged between the folds of her vulva. OUCH! ———————————-A couple hobbled into a Washington emergency room covered in bloodied restaurant towels. The man had his arms around his waist, and the woman had hers around her head. They eventually explained to doctors that they had gone out that evening for a romantic dinner. Overcome with passion, the woman crept under the table to administer oral sex to the man. While in the act, she had an epileptic fit, which caused her mouth to clamp down on the man’s member and wrenched it from side to side. In agony and desperation, the man grabbed a fork and stabbed her in the head until she let go. ——————————–SEX EDUCATION: A Californian doctor examining a young woman with abdominal pains sked her if she was sexually active. She said that she wasn’t. A later examination showed that she was pregnant. Asked why she said that she was not sexually active, the woman replied, “I’m not. I just lie there.” When asked if she knew who the father was, with a puzzled look she replied, “No, who?” ——————————–BLIND DRUNK: A drunk staggered into a Pennsylvania ER complaining of severe pain while trying to remove his contact lenses. He said that they would come out halfway, but they always popped back in. A nurse tried to help using a suction pump, but without success. Finally, a doctor examined him and discovered that the man did not have his contact lenses in at all. He had been trying to rip out the membrane of his cornea. ——————————–GROWING SEASON: An old woman in a North Carolina ER complained of green vines growing from her vagina. Investigation revealed a large potato trapped in her womb. The woman then suddenly remembered that she had inserted it two weeks previously, because she thought that her uterus was falling out. ——————————-PRICKLY PAIR: In Michigan, a man came into the ER with lacerations to his penis. He complained that his wife had “a rat in her vagina” and it bit him during sex. After an examination of his wife, it was revealed that she had a surgical needle left inside her after a recent hysterectomy. ——————————-LAST STAND: A Cambridge man hobbled into the ER complaining of a permanent erection. He admitted to doctors that while on holiday in Cuba, he frequented many brothels, and in one he was given some erectile cream to keep him hard. He was told to use it sparingly. However, since he was aving so much fun, he kept using more and more. By the time he came to the ER, ll the blood vessels in his penis were swollen and his testicles had ballooned in size. Doctors could do nothing except prescribe pain killers, and told him that it would return to flaccidity in a few days. They also told him to enjoy his erection while it lasted, because it was going to be his last. ——————————-CALL THE BUM SQUAD! A World War II veteran came into a London clinic with a hemorrhoid problem. One painful pile would often hang down from the man’s anus and he was in the habit of pushing it back up with an artillery shell. On this occasion, the shell got stuck. Doctors were going to remove it but the man told them the shell was still live. So the hospital called in the army bomb disposal squad, who built a lead box around the man’s anus to defuse the shell so it could be removed. ———————————-INNER SKELETON: A 63-year-old widow was admitted to the hospital in Recife, Brazil, suffering abdominal pains. X-rays showed that she was carrying a 20-inch long skeleton of a fetus which she conceived a decade earlier. It had ecome lodged outside the womb and was never expelled from her body.
REALLY FUNNY SCIENCE EXAMPLES
These are actual excerpts from student science exam papers:
The dodo is a bird that is almost decent by now.
To remove air from a flask, fill it with water, tip the water out, and put the
cork in quick before the air can get back in.
The process of turning steam back into water again is called conversation.
A magnet is something you find crawling all over a dead cat.
The Earth makes one resolution every 24 hours.
The cuckoo bird does not lay his own eggs.
To prevent conception when having intercourse, the male wears a condominium.
To collect fumes of sulfur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.
Parallel lines never meet, unless you bend one or both of them.
Algebra symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about.
Geometry teaches us to bisex angles.
A circle is a line which meets its other end without ending.
The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
The moon is a planet just like the Earth, only it is even deader.
An example of animal breeding is the farmer who mated a bull that gave a great
deal of milk with a bull with good meat.
We believe that the reptiles came from the amphibians by spontaneous
generation and study of rocks.
English sparrows and starlings eat the farmer�s grain and soil his corpse.
By self-pollination, the farmer may get a flock of long-haired sheep.
Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them
perspire.
A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.
A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene triangle.
Blood flows down one leg and up the other.
A person should take a bath once in the summer, and not quite so often in the
winter.
The hookworm larva enters the human body through the soul.
When you haven’t got enough iodine in your blood you get a glacier.
It is a well-known fact that a deceased body harms the mind.
Humans are more intelligent than beasts because the human brines have more
convulsions.
For fainting: rub the person’s chest, or if a lady, rub her arm above the hand
instead.
For fractures: to see if the limb is broken, wiggle it gently back and forth.
To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.
Ways to Tell if You’re Stuck in the 80’s
1. your fondest childhood memory is when Skippy got his head stuck in the banister
2. you relax by putting on your legwarmers and dancing to the “Footloose” soundtrack
3. you think the Two Coreys are “totally awesome”
4. you’re still bitter that Wham! broke up
5. Punky Brewster is your hero
6. you type all of your term papers on a Commodore 64
7. you still resent your parents for not installing a dumbwaiter in your house like Webster’s
8. the only video games you play are Frogger and Pac Man
9. you’re building your own Clockwork Smurf
10. your summer attire is Jellies and Jams
11. A-Ha’s “Take on Me” is still your favorite video
12. you consider yourself truly, truly, truly outrageous, much like Jem and the Holograms
13. you wonder why more people don’t wear high heels, Jordache jeans, and lacy ankle socks
14. you call all motorcycle cops “Ponch”
15. every time you go to the beach you look for Snorks
16. you’re still upset Madonna and Sean broke up
17. you know who Stinky Sullivan is
18. you work out with “Get in Shape Girl”
19. you want to be Molly Ringwald when you grow up
20. you enjoy dancing on the ceiling and wearing your sunglasses at night
21. you know who Loverboy is
22. you think there should be a Kids Incorporated original cast reunion
23. you think of Janet Jackson as “that girl who used to date Willis”
24. you can sing the theme song to Small Wonder
25. every time you see a fountain you want to dance around it and yell “Fame !”
26. you still have a shoe box full of Garbage Pail Kid cards
27. you write your congressman asking him to introduce a bill to make “Born in the USA” the national anthem
28. you still use your Snoopy Sno-Cone machine
29. you know it’s not “comma, comma, comma” it’s karma
30. you stay up nights wondering what Bastian’s mother’s name was in “The Neverending Story”
31. you have nightmares about the Peculiar Purple Pieman of Porcupine Peak
32. you still practice your Care Bear Stare
33. you know that girls just wanna have fuh-un
34. you can name all The Wuzzles
35. you harbor a secret dream of being slimed by Alistair
36. you can do the Safety Dance
37. in your spare time you are writing “The Breakfast Club 2”
38. you like to “connect the dots, la la la la!”
39. someone mentions Jennifer Beals and you don’t say “Who?”
40. your prized possession is a collection of “Return of the Jedi” Shrinky Dinks
41. you know whose number is 867-5309
42. you get depressed thinking about Anthony Michael Hall’s career
43. you’re starting a write-in campaign to MTV to bring back Remote Control
44. you drink Diet Coke because Max Headroom told you to
45. you consider Jo vs. Blair the major philosophical conflict of the 20th century
46. you have a duck phone and ride around your house on a little train
47. you want to be one of the Solid Gold Dancers
48. you still watch things on Beta
49. you want to change your name to Rio and dance on the sand
50. you know that “Weird Science” was a movie before a TV show
51. your favorite proverb is “some like it hot and some sweat when the heat is on”
52. you always waited for the Sweet Pickles Bus to visit your house
53. your favorite party game is Hungry Hungry Hippos
54. you saw the New Kids on the Block when they were Tiffany’s opening act
55. you liked Tom Hanks better when he was a crossdresser
56. you know which Hollywood Square Jim J Bullock was in
57. you practice getting in and out of your car through the windows
58. you have the tendency to turn up the collar of your polo shirts
59. you’re still wondering who really was the boss
60. you know what the “P” in “Alex P. Keaton” stands for
61. you keep asking your teachers if instead of the quiz you can take the physical challenge
62. you organize weekend tournaments of TV tag
63. you still drink New Coke 64. when you watch “Terminator 2” you wonder where Vincent is
65. you know ALF’s real name
66. you never go out for a night on the town without frosted blue eye shadow and feathered bangs
67. you can name all of the Thundercats
68. you got a hankerin’ for a hunk of cheese
69. everything in your wardrobe is either pastel or fluorescent
70. your musical inspiration is Sonny Mann
71. sometimes you just want to shout, shout, let it all out
72. you’re planning a dream vacation to Mepos
73. you use your Speak and Spell to phone home
74. you know the original members of Menudo
75. sometimes out of the blue you just got to shake your love
76. when you’re stuck in traffic you tell your car to engage Turbo Boost and are surprised when it doesn’t talk back
77. you remember when Vanessa sang Kareoke to “Locomotion”
78. you know that Mr. Steele functions best in an advisory capacity.
79. people are constantly gagging you with spoons
80. your idea of appreciating ancient cultures is “Walk Like an Egyptian”
81. the only thing you know about the Nazis is that they threw Indy to the snakes
82. you still use your hair crimper before going out on a hot date
83. you hatch plots to break Murdock out of VA hospital
84. you know which five people Serpentor’s DNA came from
85. you have “We Are the World” on 45
86. you’re still sending death threats to Mr. Rubik
87. you can feel St. Elmo’s fire burnin’ in you
88. you watch NYPD Blue thinking, “Well, they’re no Crockett and Tubbs, that’s for sure”
Little Johnny
A teacher asks her class, ‘ If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you
shoot one of them, how many will be left?’
She calls on little Johnny. He replies, ‘ None, they will all fly away with
the first gun shot.’
The teacher replies, ‘ The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.’
Then little Johnny says ‘ I have a question for you. There are three women
sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the
triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the
cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?’
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, ‘ Well, I suppose the one that’s
gobbled down the top and sucked the cone. ‘
To which Little Johnny replied, ‘ The correct answer is ‘the one with the
wedding ring on’, but I like your thinking. ‘
Nuts
Two men were hunting in the woods.One man tuned to the other and said “Wait here and if anything happens scream.”
As the man walked out of the woods he heard his friend scream.So he ran back as fast as he could.
When he got to his friend he asked him what was wrong. His friend answered “Well first a deer thretened to buck me, but I didn’t scream, then a bear thretened to claw mu face in, but I didn’t scream, then two chipmunks ran up my pants leg and asked ‘which nut shall we eat first?’ Then I screamed!”
Your grandmother can correctly execute
Your grandmother can correctly execute the sleeper hold.You’ve ever held somebody up with a caulk gun.You have every episode of “Hee Haw” on tape.
Fred & Saddam
Q: How is Saddam like Fred Flintstone?
A: Both look out their windows and see Rubble.
Swim in the ocean
Q: why don’t they let blondes swim in the ocean?
A: because they can’t get the smell out of the tuna.
A Childs’ Perspective!
A monsoon is a French gentleman.
For asphyxiation, apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.
To keep milk from turning sour, keep it in the cow.
Water vapor gets together in a big cloud. When it gets big enough to be called a drop, it does.
Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they are there.
A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go.
The law of gravity says no fair jumping up without coming down. Rain is saved up in cloud banks.
Someday we might discover magnets that can point in any direction.
One of the main causes of dust is janitors.
Blood circulates through the body by flowing down one leg and up the other.
Genetics explains why you look like your father, and if you don’t, why you should.
There is a tremendous weight pushing down on the center of the earth because so many people are stomping around there these days.
The word “trousers” is an uncommon noun because it is singular at the top and plural at the bottom.
There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters are yet to be discovered.
I’m not sure how clouds are formed, but clouds know how to do it, and that’s the important thing.
The cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.
Dr. Evil
Why did Dr. Evil cross the road?
To get Austin Power’s Mo-Jo.