yo mama so fat she stepped on a dollar bill and made change
Author: admin
Tiger wouldn’t do that…
A couple was on their honeymoon, laying in bed, about ready to consummate
their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, “I have a
confession to make-I’m not a virgin.”
The husband replies, “That’s no big thing in this day and age.”
The wife continues, “Yeah, I’ve been with one other guy.”
“Oh yeah? Who was the guy?”
“Tiger Woods.”
“Tiger Woods the golfer?”
“Yeah.”
“Well he’s rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with
him.”
The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they get done, the
husband gets up and walks to the telephone.
“What are you doing?” says the wife.
The husband says, “I’m hungry. I was going to call room service and get
some food.”
“Tiger wouldn’t do that. “
“Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?”
“He’d come back to bed and do it a second time.”
The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love with his
wife a second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the
phone.
“What are you doing?” She says.
The husband says, “I’m still hungry so I was going to get room service to
get some food.”
“Tiger wouldn’t do that.”
“Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?”
“He’d come back to bed and do it one more time.”
The guy slams down the phone and goes back to bed and makes love to his
wife one more time.
When they finish he’s tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone
and starts to dial.
The wife asks, “Are you calling room service?”
“No! I’m calling Tiger Woods to find out what’s par for this hole!”
Instruction Booklet Governing Principle:
Instruction Booklet Governing Principle: Instruction booklets are lost by the Goods Delivery Service. If not, they are listed in four languages: Japanese, Thai, Swahili, and Mongol.
Bill Clinton Top10…
From David Letterman and the Late Show…
Top Ten Signs Bill Clinton Doesn’t Give A Damn
10. Called Russia asking if they need a new spy
9. When people whisper, “Your fly is open,” he says, “Yeah, I know”
8. Shoplifts at will, gives finger to security camera
7. If you asked what he had for breakfast and he actually had waffles, he’ll say “pancakes” just for the fun of lying
6. He’s no longer just fat — he’s now Hugh Rodham fat
5. “Tubby” is selling a copy of the Declaration of Indepence on eBay
4. Doesn’t even bother to buy high-quality cigars anymore
3. Recently introduced Playboy playmate as “my lovely wife”
2. Refers to Chappaqua mansion as “the house that dirty pardon money built”
1. Sits in the back of Al Gore’s journalism class screaming, “Loser!”
Seeing eye dog
There were two buddies, one with a Doberman Pinscher and the other with a Chihuahua.
The guy with the Doberman says to his friend, ‘Let’s go over to that restaurant and get something to eat.’
The guy with the Chihuahua says, ‘We can’t go in there. We’ve got dogs with us.’
The buddy with the Doberman says, ‘Just follow my lead.’
They walk over to the restaurant; the guy with the Doberman puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in.
The bouncer at the door says, ‘Sorry, Mac, no pets allowed.’
The Doberman man says, ‘You don’t understand. This is my seeing-eye dog.’
The bouncer says, ‘A Doberman Pinscher?’
He says, ‘Yes, they’re using them now. They’re very good and protect you from robbers too.’
The man at the door says, ‘Come on in.’
The buddy with the Chihuahua figures, ‘What the heck,’ so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in.
Once again the bouncer says, ‘Sorry pal, no pets allowed.’
The guy with the Chihuahua says, `You don’t understand. This is my seeing-eye dog.’
The bouncer at the door says, ‘A Chihuahua?’
The Chihuahua man says, ‘A Chihuahua? Those bastards gave me a Chihuahua?’
Right box
Why did the blonde tattoo her zip code on her stomach?
So her male would get delivered to the right box.
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Clone
A scientist had been keeping a secret for over two decades — he had sucessfully cloned a human being.
He kept meticulous records, raising the clone-child in his laboratory until it was an adult. Then he made his plans to unveil his creation at a meeting of top scientists, held in the luxurious facilities of a high-rise hotel.
When the time for his presentation came, the scientist stepped to the podium. He presented his data — his pictures, his charts, his graphs — to an amazed audience. But suddenly, instead of waiting for his cue to come forward, the clone stood up where he’d been sitting, and started shouting at the scientists assembled there.
This clone was an imaginative clone. He used language that would make a sailor blush, accusing his creator and all of his colleagues of the most amazing feats of perversion and vice.
Trying to regain control, the scientist ushered the clone out of the room and up to the roof of the hotel, where he hoped the clone’s shouts would go unheard.
The clone would not listen to reason. He attacked the scientist’s parentage, his sister, his mother….
Finally, the scientist snapped. He could bear it no longer. He rushed forward and with a mighty shove, pushed his creation off the roof of the hotel.
The police arrived promptly and arrested the scientist for making an obscene clone fall.
Psyched Up
In a class on abnormal psychology, the instructor was about to introduce the subject of manic depression.
The instructor asked, “How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth, screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?”
A young man in the rear raised his hand and suggested earnestly, “A basketball coach?”
Superpussy
An old woman in a nursing home kind of lost it one day and stripped off all of her clothes and took the sheet off the bed. She tied it around her neck like a cape and ran down the hall saying,
“SUPERPUSSY.”
She did this trying to get some attention from the nursing staff but they weren’t paying attention, so she jumped in the doorway of an old man’s room and landed in a pose saying,
“SUPERPUSSY.”
The old man looked up, thought for a second and said,
“I think I’ll have the soup.”
PRETTY SMART “OLDER” WOMEN!!!
PRETTY SMART “OLDER” WOMEN!!!
An older lady gets pulled over for speeding…
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma’am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I’d give it to you but I don’t have one.
Officer: Don’t have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see…Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can’t do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you
want to
see.
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma’am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman
steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma’am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman dig! s into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma’am, one of my officers told me you didn’t have a
license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.
Don’t Mess With Old Ladies
How to annoy everybody for your entertainment
This list is great for when your bored with nothing to do, you
can irritate other people and have a laugh at their expense!
Read on….
– Breast feed your twins at the statium
– Clap when the pianist pauses
– When coming up to traffic lights go real slow and when the
light goes amber speed up so that you get through and all the
cars behind you get stuck at the red light
– When waiting at traffic lights – beeb furiously the second the
light goes green and shout ‘come on, come on you arsehole’ out
the window
– Send invitations to all your ‘friends’ whom you don’t like
very much for a party at you house and don’t turn up!
– Send an email to all employees stating that you are the
administrator and that there is a virus and that nobody should
touch their computers for the next half hour, when your boss
walks by tut tut at the fact that nobody is working while
showing him your latest report on the increase of clients since
the date you started working for the company.
– Paint you nails on the airplane
– When on the train, go through all the ring tones on your phone
playing each one in full, when your finished go throught them
again.
– In the office keep clogging up the printer with a document
which is 600 pages long and then send a memo around telling
people to stop using your computer.
Mother in-law
A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. The farmer had genuinely tried to be friendly to his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly, non-antagonistic relationship. All to no avail though, as she kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding changes, offering unwanted advice, and generally making life unbearable to the farmer and his new bride.
While they were walking through the barn, during the forced inspection, the farmer’s mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly. It was a shock to all no matter their feelings toward her demanding ways…
At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, however, he would shake his head no, and mumble a reply.
Very curious as to this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about. The farmer replied, “The women would say, ‘What a terrible tragedy’ and I would nod my head and say ‘Yes, it was.’ The men would then ask, ‘Can I borrow that mule?’ and I would shake my head and say, ‘Can’t, it’s all booked up for a year.'”