Your mama is so poor, her TV only has two channles-ON and OFF!
Author: admin
Worst pick-up line
guy:”did it hurt?” girl:”did what hurt?” guy:”when you fell from heaven.” girl:”awww thats so sweet” guy:”ON YOUR FACE!!!”
Palm Beach Trip
The married business executive had to make a trip to Palm Beach alone for his corporation. After a few days he was enjoying himself so much that he decided to stay another week as part of his vacation.
Wanting to share this newly discovered paradise, he wired his bachelor friend: “Take next plane for fun week on me. Bring my wife and your mistress.”
His friend was quick to wire back: “Your wife and I arriving tomorrow 11.30 a.m. How long have you known about us?
Carpenter’s Dream
Your momma is a carpenters dream . . .
Easy to screw in.
Upset
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that
morning?
A: He said, “Where am I, Cathy?”
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
Homosexual cowboy
Did you hear about the homosexual cowboy who rode into town and shot up the sheriff?
yo mamma’s so ugly
Yo mamma’s so ugly when she looks out of the window she gets arrested.
Philia
I thought I would share a transcript of a particularly productive moment in my 9th grade “English” (sic) class:
We watched the end of Zeferelli’s “Romeo & Juliet” today in class. During the scene in which Romeo discovers Juliet, who appears to be dead, lying in the Capulet family crypt, the following discussion occurred:
Julio Baez: Yo, he’s gonna jump on her!
Ms. Young: Julio, nowhere on this planet would that be an appropriate thing to say.
Julio: No, Ms. Young! I think he’s a hermaphrodite!
Ms. Young: Julio, he’s not a hermaphrodite.
Julio: No, Ms. Young! For real! There’s really people who like to have sex with dead people!
Ms. Young: Yes, but they’re not called “hermaphrodites,” they’re called “necrophiliacs.”
Julio: (Aside to Felix) She’s so stupid. (To me) No Ms. Young, necrophiliac is when you have that disease where you can’t stop bleeding.
At least they’re learning something.
Clinton one-liner
After seeing footage from the new movie “The Lion King,” I want to dedicate a movie to Bill Clinton. I’d like to call it “The Lion President.”
No longer an adult
I am hereby officially tendering my resignation as an adult. I have decided I would like to accept the responsibilities of an eight-year-old again.
I want to go to McDonald’s and think that it’s a four-star restaurant.
I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and make ripples with rocks.
I want to think M & Ms are better than money because you can eat them.
I want to lie under a big oak tree and run a lemonade stand with my friends on a hot summer’s day.
I want to return to a time when life was simple. When all you knew were colors, multiplication tables, and nursery rhymes, but that didn’t bother you, because you didn’t know what you didn’t know and you didn’t care.
All you knew was to be happy because you were blissfully unaware of all the things that should make you worried or upset.
I want to think the world is fair and that everyone is honest and good.
I want to believe that anything is possible.
I want to be oblivious to the complexities of life and be overly excited by the little things again.
I want to live simple again.
I don’t want my day to consist of computer crashes, mountains of paperwork, depressing news, how to survive more days in the month than there is money in the bank, doctor’s bills, gossip, illness, and loss of loved ones.
I want to believe in the power of smiles, hugs, a kind word, truth, justice, peace, dreams, the imagination, mankind, and making angels in the snow.
So here’s my check book and my car – keys, my credit card bills and my 401K statements. I am officially resigning from adulthood. And if you want to discuss this further, you’ll have to catch me first, ’cause, ‘Tag! You’re it!’
Yo’ Mama Jokes
Yo’ Mama is so fat, she tried to fit into a pair of ‘BVD’s and by the time she got it on, it spelled ‘BOULEVARD’.
Yo’ Mama is so ugly, she went to the beauty parlor and it took her three hours just to get an estimate.
Yo’ Mama is so old, she went to a museum and they tried to claim her as an exhibit.
Yo’ Mama is so fat, she jumped in the air and got stuck.
Yo’ Mama is so old, when God said ‘let there be light’, she was there to flick the switch.
Yo’ Mama is so dumb, she threw a rock at the ground and missed, tripped over the wire of a cordless phone, and got hit by a parked car.
10 things not to say
Ten Things Not To Say To Your New Girlfriend’s Parents.
1. My parole officer thinks Sara has a calming effect on me.
2. Did you see that saucer that flew over town yesterday?
3. Which one of you taught Sara to give such great head?
4. Can you believe it! Those shitheads at the corner market won’t cash my welfare check!
5. We’re going to keep our relationship quiet for now. My wife can be rather vindictive at times.
6. Those home pregnancy kits aren’t very reliable, in my opinion.
7. Sara is so pretty I’ve decided to give up being bisexual just for her.
8. Nice place you got here. That painting looks expensive. I bet a nice home like this came with a safe already built in, didn’t it?
9. There ain’t nothing that beats that great feeling of knowing your HIV test results are negative! I bet Sara’s will be okay too.
10. Can I pull my car in your garage? I’m not sure how long that cop car will stay lost.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by BreeBrown