Yours Fun Portal !
If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had 8 kids already,
three who were deaf, two who were blind, one mentally retarded,
and she had syphilis…. Would you recommend that she have an
abortion?
If you said yes, you just killed Beethoven. Pretty interesting,
isn’t it? Makes a person think before judging someone.
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, “Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.”
The old man says without hesitation –
“I now pronounce you man and wife.”
What’s the difference between boogers and broccoli? Kids don’t eat broccoli!
Knock KnockWho’s there?Heifer!Heifer who?Heifer cow is better than none!
To men dicussing how tight ass cold their wives had been to them about giving sex.
The first fellow says “My wife’s so cold I can put a glass of water in bed with her and the next morning its turned to ice.”
The second fellow says “Hell, every time my old lady spreads her legs the furnace kicks in!”
Two high school sweethearts who went out together for four years in high school were both virgins; they enjoyed losing their virginity to each other in 10th grade. When they graduated, they wanted both to go to the same college, but, the girl was accepted to a college on the East Coast, and the guy went to a college on the West Coast. They agreed to be faithful to each other and to spend anytime they could together.
As time went on, the guy would call the girl and she would never be home, and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return the letters. Even when he e-mailed her, she took days to return his messages. Finally, she confessed to him that she wanted to date around.
He didn’t take this very well and increased his calls, letters, and e-mails trying to win back her love. She soon became very annoyed with his persistence and now with a new boyfriend, she wanted to get him off her back.
So, what she did is this: she took a Polaroid picture of her sucking her new boyfriend’s unmentionables and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading, “I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone.”
Well, needless to say, this guy was heartbroken, but, even more, so, he was pissed. So, what he did next was awesome.
He wrote on the back of the photo the following, “Dear Mom and Dad, having a great time at college, please send more money! I’m getting pretty desperate!” and mailed the picture to her parents.
Mr. Perkins, the anatomy instructor at a posh suburban girl�s college, said
during class, “Miss Smyth, would you please name the organ of the human body,
which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size,
and define the conditions.”
Miss Smyth gasped, and then said coldly, “Mr. Perkins, I don’t think that is a
proper question to ask me. I assure you my parents will hear of this.” With
that, she sat down red faced.
Unperturbed, Mr. Perkins called on Miss Summers and asked the same question.
Miss Summers, with composure, replied. “The pupil of the eye, in dim light.”
“Correct,” said Mr., Perkins. “And now, Miss Smyth, I have three things to say
to you.
One, you have not studied your lesson.
Two, you have a dirt mind…and
Three, you will some day be faced with a dreadful disappointment.”
Politics: It all really just boils down to this:
Issue:
Criminals:
Democrats: Give them a Republicans: Give them the swift
The poor:
Democrats: Give Republicans: Give them the swift
End Democrats: Give Republicans: Give them the swift
Dictators:
Democrats: Give Republicans: Give them the swift
The uninsured:
Democrats: Give t Republicans: Give them the swift
*The cost:
Democrats: $9,000,000, Republicans: $29.95 (co
Bart Simpson’s Chalkboard Archive
I will not carve gods.
I will not spank others.
I will not aim for the head.
I will not barf unless I’m sick.
I will not expose the ignorance of the faculty.
I saw nothing unusual in the teacher’s lounge.
I will not conduct my own fire drills.
Funny noises are not funny.
I will not snap bras.
I will not fake seizures.
This punishment is not boring and pointless.
My name is not Dr. Death.
I will not defame New Orleans.
I will not prescribe medication.
I will not bury the new kid.
I will not teach others to fly.
I will not bring sheep to class.
A burp is not an answer.
Teacher is not a leper.
Coffee is not for kids.
I will not eat things for money.
I will not yell “She’s Dead” at roll call.
The principal’s toupee is not a Frisbee.
I will not call the principal “spud head”.
Goldfish don’t bounce.
Mud is not one of the 4 food groups.
No one is interested in my underpants.
I will not sell miracle cures.
I will return the seeing-eye dog.
I do not have diplomatic immunity.
I will not charge admission to the bathroom.
I will never win an emmy.
The cafeteria deep fryer is not a toy.
All work and no play makes Bart a dull boy.
I will not say “Springfield” just to get applause.
I am not authorized to fire substitute teachers.
My homework was not stolen by a one-armed man.
I will not go near the kindergarten turtle.
I am not deliciously saucy.
Organ transplants are best left to professionals.
The Pledge of Allegiance does not end with “Hail Satan”.
I will not celebrate meaningless milestones.
There are plenty of businesses like show business.
Five days is not too long to wait for a gun.
I will not waste chalk.
I will not skateboard in the halls.
I will not instigate revolution.
I will not draw naked ladies in class.
I did not see Elvis.
I will not call my teacher “Hot Cakes”.
Garlic gum is not funny.
They are laughing at me, not with me.
I will not yell “Fire” in a crowded classroom.
I will not encourage others to fly.
I will not fake my way through life.
Tar is not a plaything.
I will not Xerox my butt.
It’s potato, not potatoe.
I will not trade pants with others.
I am not a 32 year old woman.
I will not do that thing with my tongue.
I will not drive the principal’s car.
I will not pledge allegiance to Bart.
I will not sell school property.
I will not burp in class.
I will not cut corners.
I will not get very far with this attitude.
I will not belch the National Anthem.
I will not sell land in Florida.
I will not grease the monkey bars.
I will not hide behind the Fifth Amendment.
I will not do anything bad ever again.
I will not show off.
I will not sleep through my education.
I am not a dentist.
Spitwads are not free speech.
Nobody likes sunburn slappers.
High explosives and school don’t mix.
I will not bribe Principal Skinner.
I will not squeak chalk.
I will finish what I sta
“Bart Bucks” are not legal tender.
Underwear should be worn on the inside.
The Christmas Pageant does not stink.
I will not torment the emotionally frail.
When you’re having a bad day and it seems like people are trying to piss you off, just remember: it takes 42 muscles to frown, and only 4 to pull the trigger of a decent sniper rifle.
Twas The Night Before Impeachment, when all through the House,
All the Congress was stirring, even Conyers, the louse.
The Articles were hung by the Capitol with care,
In hopes that Saint Bubba would be trapped in the lair.
The Republicans were nestled, all smug with The Feds,
While visions of perjury danced in their heads.
And Barr with his rhetoric and Hyde with his trap,
Had just settled in for a long evening’s nap.
When out in The Gulf, there arose such a clatter
They clicked on CNN to see what was the matter.
When what to their wondering eyes should appear
But Tomahawk cruise missiles flying like reindeer.
With a Presidential address, so lively and quick,
They knew in a moment, it must be Saint Slick!
More rapid than eagles, his supporters they came,
And he whistled and shouted and called them by name:
“Now Conyers, now Gephardt, let’s forget about The Vixen!
On Barney! On Maxine! I’m no Richard Nixon!!!”
“From Capitol Hill to the Washington Mall,
Now dash away, dash away, dash away all !!!”
And then the Republicans heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.
As they scratched their heads and were turning around
The resilient Saint Willie scored another rebound.
No longer was he eating from his humble pie,
While assaulting Saddam with his bombs from the sky.
A bundle of weapons he had flung at Iraq,
It looked once again like Slick Willie was back.
His eyes, how they twinkled! His dimples, how merry!
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry.
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And the hair on his head was as white as the snow.
The stump of a stogie, he held tight in his teeth,
And the smoke, it encircled his head like a wreath.
He had a broad face and a little round belly
That shook when he laughed like a bowl f cull of jelly.
He was chubby and plump – a right jolly old elf,
And the Republicans wept, in spite of themselves.
And a wink of his eye and a twist of his head
Soon gave them to know they had something to dread.
He spoke the right words and went straight to his work
Hard to believe that an Intern once called him “The Jerk.”
And shaking his finger and thumbing his nose,
By “Wagging The Dog,” up the polls he rose.
He turned to his spinmeisters and gave them a whistle,
Then they cheered-on Slick Willie as he launched another missile.
They all heard him exclaim, with Impeachment out of sight,
“Happy Ramadan to all, and to all a good night.”
The housewife answered the phone and listened with relief to the voice in her
ear. “How are you, dear? What kind of day are you having?”
“Oh, mom, the baby won’t eat, the washing machine is broke, I’ve not been able
to get out of the house to shop, and I twisted my ankle and have been hobbling
around. On top of that, the house is a mess and we’re supposed to have two
couples over for dinner tonight.”
“Now dear, just stay calm. Sit down, relax, close your eyes, and I’ll be over
in 1/2 hour. I’ll do the shopping, clean up the house, and cook your dinner for
you. I’ll take care of the baby when I get there and call a repairman I know
who’ll get the washing machine fixed. In fact, I’ll call George at the office
and tell him he ought to come home and help out for once.”
“George? Who’s George?”
“Why, that’s your husband, dear.”
“Mom, I don’t have a husband.”
“Is this 234-5678?”
“Uh, no, it’s not. I think you have a wrong number.” The housewife paused.
“Uhhh, does this mean you’re not coming over?”