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Psychiatric Christmas Carols

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Schizophrenia — Do You Hear What I Hear?

Multiple Personality — We Three Queens Disoriented Are

Dementia — I Think I’ll Be Home For Christmas

Narcissistic — Hark the Herald Angels Sing (About Me)

Mania — Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and… or
Deck the Halls and Spare No Expenses

Borderline Personality — Thoughts of Roasting in an Open Fire

Paranoia — Santa Claus is Coming To Get Me

Personality Disorder — You Better Watch Out, I’m Gonna Cry.
I’m Gonna Pout, then MAYBE I’ll Tell You Why

Depression — Silent Anhedonia, Holy Anhedonia. All is Calm, All is Pretty Lonely

Obsessive Compulsive — Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell,
Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock…

Passive Aggressive — On the First Day of Christmas My Mother
Gave to Me…
(And Then Took it All Away)

Cross Examined

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In a murder trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining a pathologist.

Here’s what happened:

Attorney: Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the pulse?

Coroner: No.

Attorney: Did you listen to the heart?

Coroner: No.

Attorney: Did you check for breathing?

Coroner: No.

Attorney: So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren’t sure the man was dead, were you?

Coroner: Well, let me put it this way. The man’s brain was sitting in a jar on my desk. But I guess it’s possible he could be out there practicing law somewhere.

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

Sick. Just Sick.

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A man went to a whorehouse to get some practice performing oral sex on his old lady. The woman at the front desk gave him a key and told him to go to room 319. He went in and there he saw his lady of the evening. He told her why he was there and she gave him a few pointers and told him to get down to it.

He began performing oral sex and was, by her reaction, pretty good at it. but something strange happened. About five minutes into the deed he felt something in his mouth. He stealthily spit it into his hand and saw to his amazement that it was a piece of carrot.

“Oh man, that’s fuckin nasty!” he thought, but he said nothing and continued. Five minutes later he came up with a pea.

“Christ! I can’t take this much more. There’s something wrong with this bitch.” But again he said nothing and gave it one more shot. This time it was a piece of chicken. He could stand it no longer.

“Fuck! I can’t do this anymore! I’m gonna throw up!”

“That’s funny,” the hooker said,”That’s what the last guy did.”

CAMP NO-NO’S

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Here’s a list of camps you may NOT want to send your kids to:
Tommy Lee’s Camp Kickachick.
Monica Lewinsky’s Camp Suckaweewee.
President Clinton’s Camp Getahoochie.
Ellen DeGeneres’s Camp Lickacoochie.
Kenneth Star’s Camp Catchacrook.
O.J. Simpson’s Camp Killachick.
Lorena Bobbit’s Camp Cutaweewee.
Tonya Harding’s Camp Clubaknee.
Susan Smith’s Camp Blameabrotha.
Pamela Lee’s Camp Lottatatas.

Jail Break

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There were these three women who escaped from prison. A blonde and two brunets. So to get away from the cops they hid in an abandoned farm house. In the farm house there were three burlap sacks sitting around. So they hid in them. When the cops came to the farm house the one of the cops saw the sacks, the officers yells, “There’s just three burlap sacks in here!” To which his partner replies, “Then kick them just to be sure it’s not them hiding”. The officer goes and kicks the one with the brunet in it and she yells, “MEEEYYOWW!” the officer said “Oh, its just a stupid cat in there.” So he kicks the one with the other brunet in it and she yells, “RUUFFF RUFFF!”, so the officer says, “Oh, it’s just a stupid dog!” Then he kicks the sack with the blonde in it and she yells, “POTATOES!”

Accident on the Golf Course

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A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch.
Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. When he finally gets himself to the
doctor, he says,” How bad is it doc? I’m going on my honeymoon next week and my
fianc�e is still a virgin in every way.”

The doc said, “I’ll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep
it straight. It should be okay next week.” So he took four tongue depressors and
formed a neat little four-sided bandage, and wired it all together; an
impressive work of art.

The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries, and on his honeymoon night
in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts.
This was the first time he had seen them. She says, “You’ll be the first, no one
has ever touched these breasts.”

He whips down his pants and says, “Look at this; it’s still in the CRATE!”

Pee in Church

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A mother took her little boy to church.

While in church the little boy said, “Mommy, I have to pee.”

The mother said to the little boy, “It’s not appropriate to say the word ‘pee’ in church. So, from now on whenever you have to ‘pee’ just tell me that you have to ‘whisper’.”

The following Sunday, the little boy went to church with his father and during the service said to his father, “Daddy, I have to whisper.”

The father looked at him and said, “Okay, why don’t you whisper in my ear.”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman

Show Me The Money!

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A fool and his money are asked to go everywhere! A fool and his money are soon elected. A fool and his money are soon popular. A fool and his money is my kind of customer! If money’s the root of all evil, why do churches want it? All I ask is to prove that money can’t make me happy. Come to Florida, bring money, BUT GET THE HECK OFF OUR BEACH! Even the blind can see money. Expert – Someone who knows less, but makes more money. It’s not the money I want, it’s the stuff. Life is a game. Money is how we keep score. Money burns a hole in my pocket…how about yours? Money is like an arm or leg, use it or lose it. Money is the root of all bills. Money may buy “friendship,” but it cannot buy love. Money Talks – and it usually says NO!! Never forget a friend, especially if he owes you money. Political Motto: I had some morals; sold them for money. This country has the best politicians money can buy. Time and Money. Two things we don’t have enough of…. Turbo-Tax took money out of my Quicken directory. Visit your money this year – vacation in Washington D.C. When money talks, it usually says “Bend over.” You infernal machine! Give me a soda or my money back! Alimony? …sounds kind like all yer money No one kills over drugs … They kill over money. Massachusetts has the best politicians money can buy.