I is a college student.
Author: admin
Competition
A shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read ‘BEST DEALS.’
He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading ‘LOWEST PRICES.’
The shopkeeper panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop. It read ‘MAIN ENTRANCE’.
Ventriloquist Cowboy
A ventriloquist cowboy walks onto a ranch…
Cowboy to Rancher:
Cowboy: Is that your dog?
Rancher: Yup.
Cowboy: Mind if I talk to him?
Rancher: Durn fool, don’t you know dogs don’t talk.
Cowboy: So what’s the harm? May I?
Rancher: Go right ahead.
Cowboy to dog:
Dog; Howdy.
Dog: Hello. (Rancher’s eyes pop out)
Cowboy: Is this your master? (pointing to the rancher)
Dog: Yep, sure is.
Cowboy: Does he treat you alright?
Dog: Sure does, every day he takes me for a walk, he feeds me all kinds of great food, and once a week he takes me to the lake to play.
Rancher is standing there dumbfounded.
Cowboy to Rancher:
Rancher: Is that your horse over there?
Rancher: Yes.
Cowboy: Mind if I speak to him?
Rancher: I know the dog spoke to you, but I know for a fact that horses can’t talk.
Cowboy: Well then what would it hurt?
Rancher: Go right ahead.
Cowboy to horse:
Cowboy: Hello.
Horse: Hello.
Rancher can’t believe it.
He stands there with his jaw wide open.
Cowboy: Is that your owner?
Horse: Yup, sure is.
Cowboy: He treat you OK?
Horse: Sure, he rides me every day, brushes me down at the end of the day, and he keeps me in the barn away from the elements.
Cowboy: Sounds good. (turns to the rancher) are those your sheep out here?
Rancher is beside himself:
Rancher: Th-Th-Th-Them sheep out there, they’re nuttin but a bunch of liars!!
A young Jewish man
A young Jewish man calls his mother and says, “Mom, I’m bringing home a
wonderful woman I want to marry. She’s a Native American and her name is
Shooting Star.” “How nice,” says his mother? “And I have an Indian name too,” he
says. “It’s ‘Running Deer’ and I want you to call me that from now on.” “How
nice,” says his mother? “You should have an Indian name too, Mom,” he says. “I
already do,” says the mother. “You can call me Sitting Shiva.”
Monkey in bar
A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. He sips it and sets it down a monkey swings across the bar and pisses in the pint. The man asks the barman who owns the monkey. The barman replies the piano player. The man walks over to the piana player and says “Do you know your monkey pissed in my beer.” The pianist replies “No, but if you hum it I’ll play it.”
Who really pays for the toys????
A man returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi at the airport after midnight, and while enroute to his home, asked the driver if he would be a witness, as he suspected his wife was having an affair, and expected to catch her in the act. The driver agreed, and they both tiptoed into the bedroom, turned on the lights pulled the blanket back and found the wife in bed with another man. The husband put his gun to the man’s head, and the wife shouted, “Don’t do it, this man has been very generous. Who do you think paid for the Corvette I said I bought for you, who do you think paid for our new boat, he did!” The husband, looked over at the cab driver, and said, “What would you do in a case like this?” The cabbie smiled, and said, “I’d cover him up before he catches cold.”
Lawyers & Sperm
What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
One in a million become a human being.
Things that i learned in college
– That it didn’t matter how late I scheduled my first class; I’d sleep right
through it.
– That I could change so much and barely realize it.
– That college kids throw airplanes too.
– That if you wear polyester everyone will ask you, “Why are you so dressed
up?”
– That every clock on campus shows a different time.
– That if you were smart in high school–so what?
– That I would go to a party the night before a final.
– That Chemistry labs require more time than all my classes put together.
– That you can know everything and fail a test.
– That you can know nothing and ace a test.
– That I could get used to almost anything I found out about my roommate.
– That MOST of my education would be obtained outside of my classes.
– That I would be one of those people my parents warned me about.
– That free food served until 10:00 is gone by 9:50.
– That Sunday is a figment of the world’s imagination.
– That Psychology is really Biology, and that Biology is really Chemistry,
– That Chemistry is really Physics, and Physics is really Math.
Yo mama’s inventions
Yo Mama is so stupid, she invented glow-in-the-dark sunglasses,
solar-powered flashlight, water-proof tea bag, and condom with
sweat holes.
Most racest
what is the most racest thing int the world?
a sprinkler……….spick spick spick spick, chink, nigger nigger niger nigger.
The Six-pack!
Three guys were working on a high rise building project: Steve, Bill and Charlie. Steve falls off and is killed instantly.
As the ambulance takes the body away, Charlie says, “Someone should go and tell his wife.”
Bill says, “OK, I`m pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I`ll do it.” 2 hours later, he comes back carrying a 6-pack.
Charlie says, “Where did you get that, Bill?” “Steve`s wife gave it to me.”
“That`s unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?”
Bill says,”Well not exactly. When she answered the door, I said to her, `You must be Steve`s widow.`”
She said, “`No, I`m not a widow.”
And I said, “Wanna bet me a six-pack?”
Win the lottery
I guy comes running into his home to greet his wife. “Hunney, hunney, pack your bags, I just won the lottery.” She gasps with excitement and replies, “should i pack for warm or cold weather?” he replies, “I don’t care, just get the fuck out.”