Yours Fun Portal !
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Colin!
Colin who?
Colin the doctor, I feel ill!
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Collier!
Collier who?
Collier big brother see if I care!
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Cologne!
Cologne who?
Cologne me names won’t help!
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Coolidge!
Coolidge who?
Coolidge a cucumber!
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Conga!
Conga who?
Conga go on meeting like this!
A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced, so he went to the market looking for a rooster. He was hoping he could get a special rooster – one that would service all of his many hens.
When he told this to the market vendor, the vendor replied, “I have just the rooster for you. Henry here is the horniest rooster you will ever see!”
So the farmer took Henry back to the farm. Before setting him loose in the hen house though, he gave Henry a little pep talk. “Henry”, he said, “I’m counting on you to do your stuff.” And without a word, Henry then strutted into the hen house.
Henry was as fast as he was furious, mounting each hen like a thunderbolt. There was much squawking and many feathers flying, till Henry had finished having his way with each hen. But Henry didn’t stop there, he went in to the barn and mounted all the horses, one by one and still at the same frantic pace. Then he went to the pig house where he did the same.
The farmer, watching all of this with disbelief, cried out, “Stop, Henry, you’ll kill yourself.” But Henry continued, seeking out each farm animal in the same manner.
Well the next morning, the farmer looked out and saw Henry lying there on his lawn. His legs were up in the air, his eyes rolled back, and his long tongue hanging out. A buzzard was already circling above Henry.
The farmer walked up to Henry saying, “Oh you poor thing, look what you did, you’ve gone and killed yourself. I warned you big buddy.”
“Shhhhh,” Henry whispered, “The buzzard is getting closer.”
An executive will always return to work from lunch early if no one takes him.
One man’s hobby was fishing, he spent all his weekends near the river or lake, paying no attention to weather.
One Sunday, early in the morning, he went to the river, as usual. It was just so cold and raining that he decided to return back to his house. He entered, went to his bedroom, undressed and slipped into bed beside his wife.
“God this is terrible weather today, honey.” he said.
“Yes. And my idiot husband went fishing!”
Three men stand before St. Peter awaiting admission into Heaven.
However, St. Peter has been informed that Heaven will only admit
33% of applicants today. The admissions standard: Who died the
worst death? So, St. Peter takes each of the three men aside in
turn and asks them about how they died.
First man: “I’d been suspecting for a long time that my wife was
cheating on me. I decided to come home early from work one
afternoon and check to see if I could catch her in the act. When
I got back to my apartment, I heard the water running. My wife
was in the shower. I looked everywhere for the guy, but couldn’t
find anyone or any trace that he had been there. The last place
I looked was out on the balcony.
I found the bastard hanging from the edge, trying to get back
in! So I started jumping up and down on his hands, and he
yelled, but he didn’t fall. So I ran inside and got a hammer,
and crushed his fingers with it until he fell twenty-five floors
screaming in agony. But the fall didn’t kill the asshole. He
landed in some bushes! So I dragged the refirgerator from the
kitchen (it weighed about a ton), pulled it to the balcony, and
hurled it over the edge. It landed right on the guy and killed
him. But then I felt so horrible about what I had done, I went
back into the bedroom and shot myself.”
St. Peter nodded slowly as the man recounted the story. Then,
telling the first man to wait, he took the second aside.
Second man: “I lived on the twenty-seventh floor of this
apartment building. I had just purchased this book on morning
exercises and was practicing them on my balcony, enjoying the
sunshine, when I lost my balance and fell off the edge. Luckily,
I only fell about two floors before grabbing another balcony and
holding on for dear life. I was trying to pull myself up when
this guy came running onto what must have been his balcony and
started jumping up and down on my hands. I screamed in pain, but
he seemed really irate. When he finally stopped, I tried to pull
myself up again, but he came out with a hammer and smashed my
fingers to a pulp! I fell, and I thought I was dead, but I
landed in some bushes. I couldn’t believe my second stroke of
luck, but it didn’t last. The last thing I saw was this enormous
refrigerator falling from the building down on top of me and
crushing me.”
St. Peter comforted the man, who seemed to have several broken
bones. Then he told him to wait, and turned to the third man.
Third man: “Picture this. You’re hiding, naked, in a
refrigerator…”
Why are they having so much trouble finding a cure for AIDS?
– The scientists can’t get the little mice to butt fuck.
What job applicants really mean on their applications and resumes and in employment interviews
“I KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH STRESSFUL SITUATIONS:” I’m usually on Prozac.
When I’m not, I take lots of cigarette and coffee breaks.
“I SEEK A JOB THAT WILL DRAW UPON MY STRONG COMMUNICATION &
ORGANIZATIONAL SKILLS:” I talk too much and like to tell other
people what to do.
“I’M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION:” I’ve
used Microsoft Office.
“I’M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE:” I pilfer office supplies.
“MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES:” I hope you don’t ask
me about all the McJobs I’ve had.
“I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK:” I blame others for my mistakes.
“I’M BALANCED AND CENTERED:” I’ll keep crystals at my desk and
do Tai Chi in the lunch room.
“I HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR:” I know a lot of corny, old jokes
and I tell them badly.
“I’M PERSONABLE:” I give lots of unsolicited personal
advice to co-workers.
“I’M WILLING TO RELOCATE:” As I leave San Quentin, anywhere’s better.
“I’M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL:” I carry a Day-Timer.
“MY BACKGROUND AND SKILLS MATCH YOUR REQUIREMENTS:” You’re probably
looking for someone more experienced.
“I AM ADAPTABLE:” I’ve changed jobs a lot.
“I AM ON THE GO:” I’m never at my desk.
“I’M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED:” The minute I find a better job.
I’m outta there.
“I HAVE FORMAL TRAINING:” I’m a college drop-out.
“I INTERACT WELL WITH CO-WORKERS:” I’ve been accused of
sexual harassment.
“THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME AND CONSIDERATION:” Wait! Don’t throw me away!
“I LOOK FORWARD TO HEARING FROM YOU SOON:” Like, I’m gonna hold
my breath waiting for your stupid form letter thanking me for my
interest and wishing me luck in my future career.
Do you know why the tribes of Israel wandered in the desert for 40 years?
Because even then, men couldn’t stop to ask directions.
1. Hit the stewardess button and tell her that your friend next
to you is having a baby. Have your friend make all sorts of
noises. (Works especially well, if your friend is a guy)
2. Take the telephone out of its holder and attempt to strangle
the person sitting in front of you.
3. Hit the stewardess button as many times as possible and when
she comes, blame it on your stuffed animal. Say he gets
hyperactive riding on airplanes and does mischievious stuff.
4. Use the Call Button to ask the flight attendent on a date.
5. When the flight attendent comes around for drinks, request
food. When they ask what meal you would like, ask for a drink.
6. When you get your meal/peanuts or whatever, dump it in the
persons hair in front of you
7. Before you get on the plane go to the Sky Cap and ask them if
you can deliver this bag to Chicago, this one to Detroit, and
this one to Atlanta. If he says no, say, “Why not, you did it
last time.”
8. Have extremely loud conversations on which Olsen twin is more
talented
9. If sitting next to someone you don’t know attempt to stick
q-tips in various parts of the body (i.e. ears, nose, don’t get
too excited)
10. Bring on a CD Player and the Soundtrack to Saturday Night
Feaver. Dance until physically restrained.
11. Hold a Sing-A-Long.
12. Look out the window and point at stuff, claim you know that
person.
13. When they serve you your food ask them what it is and tell
them it dosen’t look edible. (most of the time the stewerdess
will agree with you)
14. Bring a live chicken on board. When you are given your food,
hide it and put the chicken on trey table. Press the call
button, and say your dinner needs to be cooked more.
15. Put your stuffed animal in the barf bag and say it found a
new home
16. Take off your trey table, and hand it to the person in front
of you.
17. If you are sitting at least 2 seats away from the aisle, get
up every 5 minutes to go to the bathroom. If questioned say. I
think the gum is getting to me.
18. Pull down the oxygen masks and place all three on your head
at once.
19. Bring 2 Lobsters on the Plane. Paint Numbers on the back,
and race them down the aisle. See how many people you can get to
bet on this race. Have a board stating odds.
20. Bring a sock puppet on board, and communicate with everyone
with it. (please note, this works better with people older then
4) If someone questions the words of the sock explain to them
that they have affended the sock king and will be attacked by a
giant ball of lint.
21. Clip your toe nails
22. Play with the lights for about an hour. If someone asks say
your making strobe lights.
23. Select captains and play a game of tackle football in the
aisle.
24. Two Words: Strip Poker
25. Bring on board Spam and a hot plate. Cook the spam and offer
it to other passengers.
26. When the lady comes and asks you for a drink say “Vodka
Martini shaken not stired” and when she says your not old enough
shout and scream and pound your tray until you make such a
racket that she gives in.
27. Play a game of Hungry Hungry Hippos
28. Attempt to get on the PA and start a game of Simon Says
29. Demand that you get both the arm rests and shove the persons
arm off.
30. Every few minutes press the call button and ask the
steward/stewardess “Are we there yet?”
31. When you first get on, take the empty seat next to you and
pretend your invisible friend is there. When someone trys to sit
there scream and fuss and say they can’t sit on Joe.
32. When the pilot comes over the PA system cower in fear and
scream, “It’s those voices again!”
33. When you notice someone getting up to go to the bathroom,
immidiately jump out of your seat, run down the aisle, push the
person out of the way and bolt into the bathroom, stay in the
bathroom for at least 1/2 an hour.
34. When the flight attendent gives you there drink list ask
them for drinks not on the list, keep this up for at least 10
minutes.
35. If you_re on a plane that is showing a movie, find the VCR,
and put in a porn movie, this works particularly well when you
know the first movie would be one that younger children would
like.
36. Bring a trombone on board, while playing it, attempt to hit
as many people as possible with the slide of the trombone, then
yell at them for getting in your way.
37. Using a fishing rod attempt to catch other people’s dinner
off their trey table.
38. When sitting in first class ask for a big meal. Leave the
meal alone, and just eat the napkin, when the flight attendent
comes back to check on you, say the forgot your napkin. When
they come back with a new napkin, eat that one as well, keep
this up for the remainder of the flight, making sure not to eat
any of the food that they gave you.
39. When traveling through clouds, open an umbrella. When
experiencing Turbulence scream “Earthquake!” Then run into the
cock pit and hide.
A guy is going on an ocean cruise, and he tells his doctor that he’s worry
about getting seasick.
The doctor suggests, ”Eat two pounds of stewed tomatoes before you leave the
dock.”
The guy replies, ”Would that keep me from getting sick, Doc?”
The doctor says, ”No, but it’ll look real pretty in the water.”
Q: How is Saddam like Fred Flintstone?
A: Both look out their windows and see Rubble.
Q: why don’t they let blondes swim in the ocean?
A: because they can’t get the smell out of the tuna.