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Confession — 4

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The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession. “Of course, my son,” said the priest.
“Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her.”

“That’s a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess,” said the priest.

“It’s worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors,” continued the old man.

“Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk -you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly,” said the priest.

“Thanks, Father,” said the old man.; “That’s a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?”

“Of course, my son,” said the priest. The old man asked, “Do I need to tell her that the war is over?”

Redneck Valentine

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Kudzu is green, my dog’s name is Blue And I’m so lucky to have a sweet thang like you.
Yore hair is like cornsilk A-flapping in the breeze. Softer than Blue’s And without all them fleas.

You move like the bass, Which excite me in May. You ain’t got no scales But I luv you anyway.

You’re as graceful as okry Jist a-dancin’ in the pan. Yo’re as fragrant as SunDrop Right out of the can.

You have all yore teeth, For which I am proud; I hold my head high When we’re in a crowd.

On special occasions, When you shave yore armpits, Well, I’m in hawg heaven, I’m plumb outta my wits.

And speakin’ of wits, You’ve got plenty fer shore. ‘Cuz you married me Back in ’74.

Still them fellers at work They all want to know, What I did to deserve Such a purty, young doe.

Like a good roll of duct tape Yo’re there fer yore man, To patch up life’s troubles And stick ’em in the can.

Yo’re as strong as a four-wheeler Racin’ through the mud, Yet fragile as that sanger Named Naomi Judd.

Yo’re as cute as a junebug A-buzzin’ overhead. You ain’t mean like no far ant Upon which I oft’ tread.

Cut from the best pattern Like a flannel shirt of plaid, You sparked up my life Like a Rattletrap shad.

When you hold me real tight Like a padded gunrack, My life is complete; Ain’t nuttin’ I lack.

Yore complexion, it’s perfection, Like the best vinyl sidin’. Despite all the years, Yore age, it keeps hidin’.

And when you get old Like a ’57 Chevy, Won’t put you on blocks And let grass grow up heavy.

Me ‘n’ you’s like a Moon Pie With a RC cold drank, We go together Like a skunk goes with stank.

Some men, they buy chocolate For Valentine’s Day; They git it at Wal-Mart, It’s romantic that way.

Some men git roses On that special day From the cooler at Kroger. “That’s impressive,” I say.

Some men buy fine diamonds From a flea market booth. “Diamonds are forever,” They explain, suave and couth.

But for this man, honey, These will not do. For you are too special, You sweet thang you.

I got you a gift, Without taste nor odor, Better than diamonds it’s a new ridin’ mower.

Error Haikus

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For those who don’t know – Haiku = 17 syllable 3 part Japanese poem

Imagine if your computer produced error messages in Haiku:

– – – – – – – – – – – –
A file that big?
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.
– – – – – – – – – – – –
Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.
– – – – – – – – – – – –
Wind catches lily
scatt’ring petals to the wind:
segmentation fault
– – – – – – – – – – – –
ABORTED effort:
Close all that you have.
You ask way too much.
– – – – – – – – – – – –
First snow, then silence.
This thousand dollar screen dies
so beautifully.
– – – – – – – – – – – –
With searching comes loss
and the presence of absence:
“My Novel” not found.
– – – – – – – – – – – –
The Tao that is seen
Is not the true Tao, until
You bring fresh toner.
– – – – – – – – – – – –
The Web site you seek
cannot be located but
endless others exist
– – – – – – – – – – – –
Stay the patient course
Of little worth is your ire
The network is down
– – – – – – – – – – – –
A crash reduces
your expensive computer
to a simple stone.
– – – – – – – – – – – –
Yesterday it worked
Today it is not working
Windows is like that
– – – – – – – – – – – –
To have no errors
Would be life without meaning
No struggle, no joy
– – – – – – – – – – – –
You step in the stream,
but the water has moved on.
This page is not here.
– – – – – – – – – – – –
Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.
– – – – – – – – – – – –
Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.

La rastra es un tipo

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La rastra es un tipo de cintur�n que usan los argentinos y est� de una piel tan suave como culo de princesa; est� adornada con todo lo que sea valioso: medallas, monedas antiguas y de oro, y as� por el estilo. Por lo que las rastras son muy caras; entre m�s vieja sea la rastra m�s valiosa y entre m�s adornos tenga m�s cara.

Pues hab�a un tipo que ten�a una rastra muy fregona y ah� iba montado en su caballo:

“Tucutu tucutu tucutu…”

Iba por las Pampas y como ya estaba cayendo el sol se dijo:

“Aqu� voy a hacer un alto”.

Y entonces hizo un alto, par� a su caballo, se acost� y se durmi�. Al d�a siguiente, cuando despert�, la rastra ya no estaba… Se levant� r�pido, cogi� su caballo y se fue veloz al pr�ximo pueblo y lleg� directo a la cantina; afuera dej� su caballo, se meti� y �zaz!, vio a un gaucho hijo de su Pink Floyd con la rastra de �l puesta.

Furioso se acerc� al ladr�n; se par� junto a �l y le dijo:

“Linda rastra”.

“Oh s�, linda, �eh? Linda de verdad”.

“Oiga �y debe de ser cara?”

“Car�sima, mi linda rastra”.

“Oiga �y las monedas son aut�nticas?”

“Y bueno, claro que son aut�nticas”.

“Como la puta que lo pari�, que rastra, linda… Oiga �y usted la compr�?”

“Oh, y bueno, yo no tengo dinero para comprar una cosa de �stas”.

“Pues �y entonces?”

“Pues se la rob� a un pendejo que estaba dormido en el camino… �y todav�a me lo cog� al puto!”

Y dice el otro:

“Linda rastra… Linda…”

Caring husband

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The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan. The teacher then announced, ‘Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn’t hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!’ The room really got quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand. ‘Yes?’ replied the teacher. ‘Is it alright if she carries a golf bag while we walk?’

A man walked into the bar and there was a…

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A man walked into the bar and there was a gorilla sitting on a
barstool.
The man asked the bartender what the gorilla was doing in the bar so
the bartender showed him. He took out a bat and hit the gorilla over the
head with it. The animal instantly dropped down and gave the bartender
blow job.

The Bartender then asked the man if he would like to try it.

The man said “Sure, but please don’t hit me quite so hard”.

Dog Competition

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There once was a dog show to determine the world’s smartest dog. Three dogs were in the finals. One dog belonged to a doctor. One dog belonged to an engineer. And, one dog belonged to a lawyer. For the finals each dog was given a bag of bones to see what it could make. The doctor said, “Stethascope, go!” The dog built a human skeleton. The judges were ready to award the trophy right then. But, they decided to give the other dogs a try. The engineer said, “Slide-rule, go!” (So, its an old joke.) The dog built a suspension bridge. The judges were beside themselves. Which dog would they pick? The lawyer said.”Loop-hole, go!” The dog ate the bones, got a percentage of all the tolls from the bridge and screwed the other two dogs.