One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Smithville wakes up early and goes to their local church. Before the service starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives, their families, etc.Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears!! Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away from Evil Incarnate.Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who sit calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God’s ultimate enemy is in his presence. This confuses Satan a bit. Satan walks up to the man and says, “Hey, don’t you know who I am?”The man says, “Yep, sure do.”Satan says, “Well, aren’t you afraid of me?”The man says, “Nope, sure ain’t.”Satan, perturbed, says, “And why aren’t you afraid of me?””Well, I’ve been married to your sister for 25 years.”
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Camels ass
A nun and a priest are riding a camel through the desert. After a few days the camel falls over dead.
After looking over the situation the priest figures neither one of them will survive the rest of the journey.
The priest asks the nun “I have never seen a woman’s breasts, and at this point it probably wouldn’t matter much, so could I see yours?”
The nun agrees and shows him her breasts.
“May I touch them?” The nun allows him to.
The priest comments sincerely how wonderful they are. The nun then asks “Father, I have never seen a man’s penis before, could you show me yours? The priest drops his drawers.
“May I touch it?” After she fondles his penis for a minute he sports a huge erection.
The priest says, “you know if I place my penis in the proper place it can give life!”
“Is that right” the nun replies?
“Yes.”
“Then why don’t you stick it up that camels ass and lets get the hell out of here!”
Clock shop
A guy is walking down the street and enters a clock and watch shop.
While looking around, he notices a drop dead gorgeous female clerk behind the counter.
He walks up to the counter where she is standing, unzips his pants, flops his chop out and and places it on the counter.
“What are you doing, Sir?”, she asks. “This is a clock shop!!”
He replied, “I know it is and I would like 2 hands and a face put on this!”
Shortage of parachutes
A blonde, a brunette, a movie star, the pope, and a pilot were on a plane. The plane was going down fast, and there were only four parachutes for all five of them. The pilot took one and jumped, then the movie star took one and jumped, and then the blonde took one and jumped. The pope told the brunette to take the last one. The brunette said, “There are still 2 parachutes left! The blonde took my backpack!”
Body parts
Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. On this particular day, the teacher wanted to ask her class which part of the body went to heaven first.
One little girl raised her hand and said, “I think your mind goes to heaven first because you have to have a mind in order to believe in God. The teacher praises the little girl, as a little boy raised his hand.
The little boy says, “I think your heart goes to heaven first because God is all about love. “Very good” said the teacher.
The teacher looked up and saw Little Johnny’s hand up. “Oh no”, she thought, “I’m not gonna like this. Little Johnny, which part of the body do you think goes to heaven first?”
Little Johnny thinks for a minute and says, “Your feet.” The teacher asked him why he thought your feet go to heaven first.
He replied, “Well, I was walking past my parents’ bedroom last night and my mom had her feet up in the air and she said, ‘Oh God, I’m coming!'”
Bad Dog, Put Fluffy
This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbor’s pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is dead and the guy panics. He thinks the neighbors are going to hate him forever, so he takes the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house and gives it a bath, blow dries its fur and puts the rabbit back into the cage at the neighbor’s house, hoping they will think it died of natural causes. A few days later, the neighbor is outside and asks the guy, ‘Did you hear that Fluffy died?’ The guy stammers and says, ‘Um…no…um…what happened?’. The neighbor replies, ‘We just found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him we went outside and someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage. There must be some real sick people out there!’
Knock Knock 189
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Walt!
Walt who?
Walt till your father gets home!
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Walter!
Walter who?
Walter-wall carpeting!
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Wanda!
Wanda who?
Wanda buy some Girl Scout cookies!
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Wannetta!
Wannetta who?
Wannetta time please!
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Warner!
Warner who?
Warner you coming out to play!
Lick that
Tommy, Johnny and Harry were standing around bullshitting about how tough their fathers were.”My dad went 12 rounds with Mike Tyson. Lick that!” said young Harry.”Well, my dad did two tours of Vietnam and killed 19 men… so lick that!” Tommy said.”That’s nothing!” declared little Johnny. “My dad hasn’t wiped his ass in 10 years… so lick that!”
Funny You Should Ask
One day a middle-aged Jewish man named Leo hears from his son attending
university. “I’ve decided to become a Christian, Dad.”
Leo panics. “What do I do?” he asks himself. The only thing he can think to do
is call his rabbi.
“Funny you should come to me with this problem, Leo,” says the rabbi. “Not 2
years ago my son comes to me with the same speech. I had no idea what to do. I
panicked, and the only thing I could think to do was go to God.”
“What message do you think you got from God?” asks Leo.
The rabbi laughed. “God said to me, funny you should come to me with this
problem …'”
Muere James Bond y llega
Muere James Bond y llega al Cielo con San Pedro:
“�Cu�l es tu nombre, hijo?”
“Soy Bond, James Bond”.
“S�, a huevo, eso dicen todos los que llegan, pero aqu� lo tienes que demostrar”.
“�Qu� desea que haga?”
“Mira, d�jame aqu� en la puerta una identificaci�n y p�sale a buscar a Ad�n; si lo traes, quiere decir que en realidad eres James Bond”.
Pasan unos minutos y �ste llega con Ad�n de la mano.
“Bueno, aqu� tiene a Ad�n”.
“�C�mo lo encontraste entre tantos?”, le pregunta San Pedro sorprendido.
“Muy f�cil, s�lo busqu� al �nico hombre que no tiene ombligo”, le responde con su t�pica flema inglesa.
“Tienes raz�n, fue muy sencillo, por lo cual no cuenta”.
Entonces, San Pedro pone un parche a todo mundo en el ombligo y le dice a Bond que no se los puede quitar para identificarlos; regresa a Ad�n al Cielo y lo mezcla entre la gente. Entonces manda a Bond a buscarlo.
A los pocos minutos llega Bond con Ad�n:
“Aqu� est� de nuevo”.
“�Puta, hijo! �C�mo le hiciste?”
“Fue muy sencillo, busqu� a quien le faltaba una costilla y ese solamente es Ad�n”.
“Tienes raz�n, fue muy sencillo… es m�s, no cuenta”.
Entonces, San Pedro convierte en momias a todos los habitantes del Cielo, incluyendo a Ad�n, y los mete en un cuarto en el que �nicamente se pod�an ver siluetas por la falta de luz.
Entra Bond a buscarlo; se cierra la puerta del cuarto y se comienza a escuchar un gran alboroto.
Sale James Bond ensangrentado y golpeado en todo el cuerpo, pero con Ad�n a un lado.
“Aqu� est� Ad�n de nuevo, �ahora s� puedo pasar?”
“�Claro, hijo, el Cielo es tuyo! Nada m�s dime: �c�mo le hiciste para encontrarlo?”
“Muy f�cil, entr� al cuarto y le dije a el todo mundo: �Vayan y chinguen a su madre! El �nico que no brinc� a golpearme fue �l”.
They both put the power of an up right in to the p
Q: What do Viagra and the dirt devil have in common?
A: They both put the power of an up right in to the palm of your hand.
Custer’s Last Thoughts
The curator of an art gallery asked an artist for a painting depicting General Custer’s last thoughts.
Two weeks later, the artist unveiled the painting, an enormous canvas with a lovely blue lake painted in its center, with a fish leaping from the water with a shining halo around its head. On the shores of the lake were the most detailed pictures of Indians fornicating.
After gaping at the painting for some time, the enraged curator demanded to know what the theme was supposed to be.
The artist said, “You asked for a painting of Custer’s last thoughts,” he explained. “That’s it. Custer was thinking, ‘Holy mackerel, where did all those fucking Indians come from?'”