The Preacher and the Taxi Driver.

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who’s dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses this guy, “Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?”

The guy replies, “I’m Joe Cohen, taxi driver, of Noo Yawk City.” Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi driver, “Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.”

The taxi driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it’s the minister’s turn. He stands erect and booms out, “I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary’s for the last forty-three years.”

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, “Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.”

“Just a minute,” says the minister. “That man was a taxi driver and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?”

“Up here, we work by results,” says Saint Peter. “While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed!”

ABC’s overnight news show, World News Now,…

ABC’s overnight news show, World News Now, has a recurring segment called
“World News Then”, where they air pieces of ABC News broadcasts as they
covered various important events of the past. Last April 1st,
they decided that instead of running a piece from a few decades ago, it
would be more interesting to go back a few millennia. One of the stories
they rebroadcast was the following report from 2400 BC:

“Egypt’s emerging papyrus technology continues to alarm parents and law
enforcement. A new bill introduced today would let the government
regulate material found on papyrus. Legislators said paperspace, as it
is known to so-called ‘writers’, is becoming a haven for monotheists,
con artists and worse hoping to prey on the young and gullible. A little
bit later in this broadcast we will have some tips on how to shield your
children from offensive and dangerous material found on the dangerous
papyrus.”

Me and My Boss

When I take a long time
I am slow
When my boss takes a long time
He is thorough
———————————-
When I don’t do it
I am lazy
When my boss doesn’t do it
He is too busy
———————————-
When I do something without being told
I am trying to be smart
When my boss does the same
That is initiative
———————————-
When I please my boss
I’m ass-kissing
When my boss pleases his boss
He’s co-operating
———————————-
When I do good
My boss never remembers
When I do wrong
He never forgets
———————————-

Final Respects

A foursome of men in their eighties was playing a round of golf. As they were approaching the 12th hole a funeral procession rode by the course. One man stopped, faced the procession, took off his hat and placed it over his heart. After the last car passed by, the man put his hat back on and continued on the course. One of his buddies piped up and said,”That was a very nice thing to do.”

The man replied, “It was the least I could do for my wife of 60 years!”

Santa on Trial

Santa on Trial

You are accused, Mr. Santa Claus, alias Saint Nick, alias Kris Kringle, age unknown, of no fixed abode, with the following charges:

Failing to apply for landed immigrant status from Finland to the North Pole

Crossing the Canadian-USA border illegally on December 25 of each year as far back as records go

Failing to operate a union toy shop, and not paying your elves and dwarfs the minimum wage, provide paid vacations and wages at time and a half for more than 40 hour work weeks, or meeting the standards of the Worker’s Compensation Boards Failing to transmit unemployment insurance payments, income tax deductions and Canada Pension payments to the proper authorities on behalf of your employees

You are accused of the illegal entry of millions of Canadian homes on December 25 of each year

Violating the Federal Anti-Combines Investigation Act by operating a tight monopoly

Failing to file a flight plan for your travels

Failing to equip your vehicle with seat belts or properly fitting your reindeer with emission control devises Not declaring as taxable income the cookies and milk left for you by millions each year

Illegally competing with the Canadian Post Office, and possible breaking drug laws by administering an unauthorized drug to Rudolph to make his nose light up

And finally, parking in a no parking zone, namely rooftops, and having no record of either a driver’s or pilot’s licence ever being issued to a Mister Claus in any of the ten provinces and two territories.

Faced with all these accusations and understanding their severity, have you any statement to make before I . . . wish you a . . Merry Christmas, a Happy New Year and dismiss these charges?

Santa Cluase was

Santa Cluase was arrested yesterday because he blew-up a chlidren’s hospital. HE said he did it because he was tired of them damn kids asking for a poney and a bike.Why cant they just ask for a barbie or a toy car like every other kid,and when i get to there place there is no food for me there is a empty plate with crumbs on it and an empty glass with a drop of milk.So I get mad.

Warning Labels On Booze!

THE MINISTRY OF HEALTH HAS PROPOSED THAT WARNING SIGNS BE PLACED ON BOOZE BOTTLES TO TIP OFF DRINKERS ABOUT THE POSSIBLE PERIL OF POUNDING A PINT OR TWO.

1. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with breath that could knock a buzzard off a sewer truck at 100 yards.

2. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.

3. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.

4. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

5. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you REALLY think while photocopying your butt at the office Christmas party.

6. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.

7. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell ever happened to your pants anyway.

8. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can’t remember).

9. WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burn on the forehead.

10. WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Psycho.

The Top 15 Problems With Rock Stars These Days

15. Angst in their pants.

14. Oh, sure, with the cheap materials they use these days, *anyone* can smash the hell out of a guitar.

13. Addition of that fourth chord makes the music too complicated for enjoyment.

12. Rather than doing 17 year olds backstage, they do themselves in public restrooms.

11. The Beatles used mind-expanding drugs to write songs that would change the world. Phish use mind-expanding drugs to debate whether Mrs. C. and the Fonz got it on in the episode where Mr. C. took Richie to the lodge convention.

10. Too much blood in their alcohol systems.

9. STILL haven’t figured out the lyrics to “Louie, Louie.”

8. They’re not feminine enough. And don’t get me started on the *women*!

7. It used to take DECADES before your number one hit was corrupted into the theme song for some bland, inane commercial.

6. We helped stop a war. They help Noel Gallagher stumble to the stage to pick up his MTV Video Music Award.

5. You need a Ph.D. in computer widget thingies to play the friggin’ instruments!

4. No one wears codpieces anymore.

3. These kids are spoiled, what with the high quality of drugs these days. No one appreciates the sheer *quantity* of drugs that were necessary to get on a decent buzz back in the ’70s.

2. The only people delivering more angst are mail carriers.

1. Earplugs?! Feah! In *our* day, we bled from the ears every night — and LIKED it!

[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White ]

[ The Top 5 List [email protected] http://www.topfive.com]