Car Problems

There are three engineers in a car; an electrical engineer, a
chemical engineer and a Microsoft engineer. Suddenly the car
just stops by the side of the road, and the three engineers look
at each other wondering what could be wrong.

The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics
of the car and trying to trace where a fault might have occurred.

The chemical engineer, not knowing much about cars, suggests
that maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked
somewhere.

Then, the Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything,
comes up with a suggestion: If we close all the windows, get
out, get back in, then open the windows again, maybe it’ll
work!?”

Knock Knock 39

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Colin!
Colin who?
Colin the doctor, I feel ill!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Collier!
Collier who?
Collier big brother see if I care!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Cologne!
Cologne who?
Cologne me names won’t help!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Coolidge!
Coolidge who?
Coolidge a cucumber!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Conga!
Conga who?
Conga go on meeting like this!

Impossible Wish

A man walking along a beach stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up, rubbed it, and out popped a genie. The genie said, “Okay…you released me from the lamp… blah, blah, blah. You get one wish!” The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, “I’ve always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I’m afraid to fly as I get a sick feeling within. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?”The genie laughed and said, “That’s impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Also, think of how much concrete would be needed…how much steel!! No, you must think of another wish.”The man said, “Okay,” and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, “I’ve been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don’t care about them and that I’m insensitive. So, I wish I could understand women, know how they feel inside, what they’re thinking when they give me the silent treatment, know why they’re crying, know what they really want when they say ‘nothing,’ know how to make them truly happy…”The genie looks at the man and asks, “You want that bridge two lanes or four?”

Mother Nature and the Golfer

Two guys are out one day golfing. One slices off to the right, one hooks off to the left and they both go to retrieve their balls. The guy on the right is hacking and hacking at the ball but just can’t lift it out of the buttercups. It has become lodged in. All of a sudden, up from the ground comes Mother Nature and is she mad!”What the hell are you doing to my beautiful buttercups?” she asks.”I’m just trying to get my golf ball out of them, lady”, replies the golfer.”Well, you are really making me mad. Just look what you’ve done to my buttercups. For this I must punish you. Your punishment will be an entire year without butter!!”The golfer starts laughing hysterically which by now has just about worn out Mother Nature’s patience.”What in the hell do you think is so funny about no butter for a year?” she screams at him.”I’m not laughing about that – I’m laughing about my friend over there whacking the hell out of your pussy willows!

Horny Rooster

A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced, so he went to the market looking for a rooster. He was hoping he could get a special rooster – one that would service all of his many hens.

When he told this to the market vendor, the vendor replied, “I have just the rooster for you. Henry here is the horniest rooster you will ever see!”

So the farmer took Henry back to the farm. Before setting him loose in the hen house though, he gave Henry a little pep talk. “Henry”, he said, “I’m counting on you to do your stuff.” And without a word, Henry then strutted into the hen house.

Henry was as fast as he was furious, mounting each hen like a thunderbolt. There was much squawking and many feathers flying, till Henry had finished having his way with each hen. But Henry didn’t stop there, he went in to the barn and mounted all the horses, one by one and still at the same frantic pace. Then he went to the pig house where he did the same.

The farmer, watching all of this with disbelief, cried out, “Stop, Henry, you’ll kill yourself.” But Henry continued, seeking out each farm animal in the same manner.

Well the next morning, the farmer looked out and saw Henry lying there on his lawn. His legs were up in the air, his eyes rolled back, and his long tongue hanging out. A buzzard was already circling above Henry.

The farmer walked up to Henry saying, “Oh you poor thing, look what you did, you’ve gone and killed yourself. I warned you big buddy.”

“Shhhhh,” Henry whispered, “The buzzard is getting closer.”