Author: admin

Job application

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This is an actual job application someone submitted at a fast-food
establishment…

NAME: Greg Bulmash

DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever’s available. If I
was in a position to be picky, I wouldn’t be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style
severance package. If that’s not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I’m worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it
notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they’re better suited to a more
intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO
50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be “Do
you have a car that runs?”

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a
winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a
fabulously wealthy super model who thinks I’m the greatest thing since sliced
bread. Actually, I’d like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR
KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.

SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising.

Playing The Slots

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Three buddies decided to take their wives on vacation for a week
in Vegas. The week flew by and they all had a great time. After
they returned home and the men went back to work, they sat
around at break and discussed their vacation.

The first guy says, “I don’t think I’ll ever do that again! Ever
since we got back, my wife flings her arms and hollers, ‘7 come
11′ and I havent had a wink of sleep!”

The second guy says, “I know what you mean. My wife played
blackjack the whole time we were there and she slaps the bed all
night and hollers, ‘Hit me light or hit me hard!’ and I haven’t
had a wink of sleep either!”

The third guy says,”You guys think that’s bad! My wife played
the slots the whole time we were there and I wake up each
morning with a sore dick and an ass full of quarters.”

Marketing translations

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Cracking an international market is a goal of most growing corporations. It
shouldn’t be that hard, yet even the big multi-nationals run into trouble
because of language and cultural differences. For example, observe the following
examples below.

The name Coca-Cola in China was first rendered as Ke-kou-ke-la. Unfortunately,
the Coke company did not discover until after thousands of signs had been
printed that the phrase means, “bite the wax tadpole” or “female horse stuffed
with wax” depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 Chinese
characters and found a close phonetic equivalent, “ko-kou-ko-le,” which can be
loosely translated as “happiness in the mouth.”

In Taiwan, the translation of the Pepsi slogan “Come alive with the Pepsi
Generation” came out, as “Pepsi will bring your ancestors back from the dead.”

Also in Chinese, the Kentucky Fried Chicken slogan “finger-licking’ good” came
out as “eat your fingers off.”

The American slogan for Salem cigarettes, “Salem – Feeling Free,” got
translated in the Japanese market into “When smoking Salem, you feel so
refreshed that your mind seems to be free and empty.”

When General Motors introduced the Chevy Nova in South America, it was
apparently unaware that “no va” means “it won’t go.” After the company figured
out why it wasn’t selling any cars, it renamed the car in its Spanish markets to
the Caribe.

When Parker Pen marketed a ballpoint pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to
say, “It won’t leak in your pocket and embarrass you.” However, the company
mistakenly thought the Spanish word “embarazar” meant embarrass. Instead the ads
said that “It won�t leak in your pocket and make you pregnant.”

An American t-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the spanish market which
promoted the Pope’s visit. Instead of the desired “I Saw the Pope” in Spanish,
the shirts proclaimed “I Saw the Potato.”

Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious
porno magazine.

In Italy, a campaign for Schweppes Tonic Water translated the name into
Schweppes Toilet Water.

First, or maybe second, aid

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A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at 2am, at which time he is extremely drunk. When he enters his house, he doesn’t want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tiptoeing up the stairs. Halfway up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear end. That wouldn’t have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets and they broke, so the broken glass carved up his buttocks terribly. But, he was so drunk that he didn’t know he was hurt. A few minutes later as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up something terrible. Well, he repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed. The next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom. ‘Well, you really tied one on last night,’ she said. ‘Where’d you go?’ ‘I worked late,’ he said, ‘and I stopped off for a couple of beers.’ ‘A couple of beers? That’s a laugh,’ she replied. ‘You got plastered last night. Where the heck did you go?’ ‘What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?’ ‘Well,’ she replied, ‘my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror.’

Classes For Women

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Women think they already know everything, but wait… training courses are now available for women on the following subjects: 1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before 2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits 3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits 4. Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait Till After The Game 5. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too 6. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His 7. Communication Skills I: Tears – The Last Resort, not the First 8. Communication Skills II : Thinking Before Speaking 9. Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without Nagging 10. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire 11. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up 12. Introduction to Parking (hahahahahahaha) 13. Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space 14. Water Retention: Fact or Fat 15. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter 16. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption 17. Cooking III: How Not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People 18. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully 19. Dancing: Why Men Don’t Like To 20. Classic Footwear: Wearing Shoes You’ve Worn Before

Hyphenated Yellow Page Words

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In a recent readers’ contest, The Washington Post asked contestants to take any hyphenated heading at the top of any page of the Yellow Pages and create a definition for the compound word they formed. Some of our favorite entries:

Advertising-Air: Touting a product when you already have a monopoly with no alternatives. “Seeing ads for U.S. postage stamps is like advertising-air.”

Alcohol-Apartments: Universities used to call these “dormitories.”

Artificial-Asphalt: Polenta.

Balancing-Balloons: Silicone implants on just one side to “even things up.”

Banquet-Beauty: A euphemism for a plus-size woman.

Child-Duct: An FCC-acceptable euphemism for part of the female anatomy.

Chiropractors-Christmas: A forecast of freezing rain and heavy, wet snow.

Curtain-Dancing: What burlesque queens resort to when they’ve lost the figure for fan-dancing.

Demolition-Dentists: Let us rearrange your mouth in a single visit.

Foam-Foods: The nation’s top supplier of airline meals.

Granite-Grocers: Specializing in those holiday fruitcakes.

House-Human: The token normal person at Michael Jackson’s home.

Iron-Jewelers: For the gift that tells her you’d tolerate her all over again.

Kitchen-Labor: Term of endearment likely to go over even less well than “the old ball and chain.”

Lawn-Lawyers: Little statues of guys in business suits holding attache cases — for the discriminating homeowner who’d never have a lawn jockey.

Movers-Moving and Nurses-Nursing: What I got on the 13th and 14th days of Christmas.

Piano-Pizza: An industry term for household pets that get in the way of furniture movers.

Radio-Ready: Less than photogenic. “That guy has a face that’s radio-ready.”

Rental-Reporters: The memo line on Armstrong Williams’ pay stub.

Rubber-Safe: Where the bank puts the bounced checks.

Sheet-Social: Code phrase for a KKK rally.

Stools-Storage: Label on a vault in Howard Hughes’ home.

Wedding-Welding: Up to 40 percent less likely to be put asunder!

Eclipse

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There was a fantastic and very long total eclipse of the moon last night, best seen in Melbourne and the longest period of totality for the next thousand years. The sky was clear and dry, the weather freezing cold, the stars bright enough to burn, as I watched the brilliant full moon gradually being consumed by the shadow of the earth.I had the telescope out and I watched as the blinding disk slowly darkened and took on the ghostly red color of earthlight. I watched the eerie spectre slowly tracking across the background of the Milky Way, occulting several stars. And right on the limb of the shadow of the earth, just to spoil it all, you could see the shadow of some bastard in South Africa making bunny ears.