A prisioner in jail received a letter from his wife: “I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?” The prisioner, knowing that the prison guards read all the mail, replied in a letter: “Dear Wife, whatever you do, DO NOT touch the back garden! That is where I hid all the gold.” A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife: “You wouldn’t believe what happened. Some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up the whole back garden.” The prisoner wrote another letter: “Dear wife, NOW is the best time to plant the lettuce!”
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Aunt Carol
A Teacher was trying to get her class to pay attention the last few days of school so she came up with a project that her students had to go home and make their parents tell them a story and have a moral to it. The next day all the kids had great stories and then Jimmy raised his hand and the teacher asked him if he had a story and he said you bet”Its about my Aunt Carol,she was a pilot flying over Iraq and she got shot down and all she had was a pistol,a knife and a bottle of wisky! so she quickly drank the bottle of wisky because she figured she fall into a group of Iraqies! So,sure enough she fell into a group of 12 Iraqies,she shot 9 of them with her pistol,2 of them with her knife until it broke and strangled 1 with her bare hands” and asked if it had a moral to it and he said “You bet, don’t mess with my Aunt Carol when she is drinking.”
Aussis Accident
An American was knocked unconscious in a serious accident while travelling in Australia. The ambulance took him to a local hospital for treatment. While he finally woke up he asked the nurse, “Was I brought here to die?””No,” said the nurse.”You were brought in here yesterday.”
What Do You Call A S
What do you call asmart blonde? A Golden Retriever
Busch Berea
Busch Berea very sexy redhead walks into a pub and takes a seat at the end of
the bar.
The bartender says to her, “What can I get yaw?”
The woman replies, “Give me a Busch Beer.”
The bartender gets the beer and sets it in front of her. The woman immediately
picks up the beer, slams it down and passes out cold. Three men from the bar
drag her out back and have their way with her.
The following night, the same woman goes back to the same pub, takes a seat at
the same place at the end of the bar, and the same bartender asks, “What can I
get yaw?”
The woman replies, “Give me a Busch Beer.”
The bartender gets the beer and sets it in front of her. The woman immediately
picks up the beer, slams it down and passes out cold. Four men from the bar drag
her out back and have their way with her.
The following night, the same woman goes back to the same pub, takes a seat at
the same place at the end of the bar, and the same bartender says, “I know, you
want a Busch…”
The woman stops him and says, “No, you better make it a Bud Light, that Busch
makes my pussy hurt�.
Deaf Society
An Englishman ,a Scotsman, and an Irishman are all to give speeches to the Deaf Society. All were keen to make an impression on their audience.
The Englishman goes first and to the surprise of his colleagues starts by rubbing first his chest and then his groin. When he finishes the Scotsman and Irishman ask him what he was doing. “Well” he explained” By rubbing my chest I indicated breasts and thus Ladies and by rubbing my groin I indicated balls and thus Gentlemen. So my speech started “Ladies and Gentlemen”.
On his way up to the podium the Scotsman thought to himself I’ll go one better than that English bastard and started his speech by making an antler symbol with his fingers above his head before also rubbing his chest and his groin. When he finished his colleagues asked what he was doing. “Well” he explained “By imitating antlers and then rubbing my chest and groin I was starting my speech by saying Dear Ladies and Gentlemen”.
On his way up to the podium the Irishman thought to himself I’ll go one further than those mainland bastards and started his speech by making an antler symbol above his head, rubbing his chest, and then his groin, and then masturbating furiously. When he finished his colleagues asked him what he was doing. “Well” he explained,” by imitating antlers, rubbing my chest and then my groin and then masturbating I was starting my speech by saying Dear Ladies and Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure…….”
Pierced ears for pirates
How much do pirates pay to get their ears pierced?
A Buccaneer!
The eyes
One Sunday, little Benny�s grandpa asks him a question, �Do you know what one
eye said to the other eye?�
�No, Zeida.�
�It said, �Between you and me, something smells.��
The dog and neutron
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces: “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.” A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, “How much for a beer?” The bartender replies, “For you, no charge.”
ouch!
A man walks into a bar
Ouch!
Stealing From Work
What do you call a prostitute with her hands under her skirt?
Self-employed.
Indian having children
An Indian chief had three wives, each of whom was pregnant. The first gave birth to a boy. The chief was so elated he built her a teepee made of deer hide. A few days later, the second gave birth, also to a boy. The chief was very happy. He built her a teepee made of antelope hide. The third wife gave birth a few days later, but the chief kept the details a secret. He built this one a two story teepee, made out of a hippopotamus hide. The chief then challenged the tribe to guess what had occurred. Many tried, unsuccessfully. Finally, one young brave declared that the third wife had given birth to twin boys. “Correct,” said the chief. “How did you figure it out?” The warrior answered, “It’s elementary. The value of the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.”