Programmers only deal with non-programmers because when they deal
with each other they bore themselves to death.
Author: admin
Lawyers and Catfish
Know the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?
One’s a scum-sucking bottom feeder…
Junkyard Dog
A junkyard owner went to the pound to get a dog to keep the (ethnics) from stealing all his hubcaps. He saw a German Shepherd he liked, but the man said he had something better. He saw a huge doberman which had to be the one, but the man said he had something better. Then he saw a 200 pound, fat-as-shit pit bull laying in a corner cage.The dog was a gross, drooling mess and was licking his balls. The man said, “this is about the laziest and grossest animal I have ever seen? How can he possibly solve my (ethnic) problem?” The dog owner said “Sir, this dog just ate an adult (ethnic) whole!” “Holy shit! Well, why is he licking his balls?” “To get the taste out of his mouth.”
Extroverted mathematician
Q: How can you tell an extroverted mathematician?
A: He stares at YOUR shoes while talking to you.
Swimming
There’s a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde stuck on a island. They eventualy decide two swim back to the mainland, which they can just barely see in the distance.
The brunette gets 1/4 of the way there and drowns.
The redhead gets 1/2 of the way there & drowns.
The blonde is the best swimmer of the group, and makes it 3/4 of the way there, but then she starts getting tired, so she turns around and swims back.
Old couple and sexual medicine
An old couple were sitting on there porch— both around 85 years old. After a while the old man stands up and puts on his jacket. The old lady says:”Where are you going?” and the old man replies:”I’m gonna go to the doctor’s and get me some of that Viagra stuff they be sellin'”The old woman sits for a minute, then stands up and puts on her jacket. The old man says:”And where are you going?” and the old lady replies:”I’m gonna go to the doctor’s and get me a tetnus shot if you think you gonna stick that rusty thing in me”~submitted by drewie*
I Will Survive (College Version)
At first I was afraid
Now I�m petrified
That I just can�t keep my GPA
of two point five.
I spent all those stupid nights…
I was just chilling way too long
And that was wrong
But now I know I must be strong
And now they�re back
They�re in my face
I�ve got 3 finals and 2 papers
to be done in just five days!
I should never have gone out
And I should never have partied
�Cause now all this work I have
It�s all piling up on me!
And I must go
to the library oh
To do research on those papers
And study harder than before
It�s hell, I�ll tell you that
and you know it�s not a lie
But I can�t crumble
I can�t lay down and die
Oh no not I!
I will survive!
If I keep a 2 point O
At least I�ll be alive!
I�ve got five more days to live
and I think my brain will give
But I�ll survive!
I will survive!
Job Application
Young man Murphy applied for an engineering position at an Irish firm based in Dublin. An American applied for the same job and both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the Department manager.Upon completion of the test both men only missed one of the questions. The manager went to Murphy and said, “Thank you for your interest, but we’ve decided to give the American the job.”Murphy: “And why would you be doing that? We both got 9 questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish I should get the job!”Manager: “We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed.”Murphy: “And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?”Manager: “Simple. The American put down on question # 5, ‘I don’t know.’ You put down ‘Neither do I.'”
En la escuela, la maestra
En la escuela, la maestra pregunta le pregunta a Pepito:
“�Qui�n fue la primer mujer en el mundo?”
�ste se queda espiritifl�utico sin saber que responder, cuando el compa�ero de al lado le dice en voz baja:
“La primer mujer en el mundo fue Eva”.
R�pido, Pepito responde: “Ya s� maestra, la primer mujer en el mundo fue Eva”.
La maestra se da cuenta que alguien le susurr� la respuesta y pregunta:
“�Qui�n se la sopl�?”
“�Pues Ad�n!”, contesta de inmediato Pepito.
98 Legs
What has 98 legs & 23 teeth?
The front row at a Willie Nelson concert.
Yo momma so fat …..
Yo momma so fat,that when she jumped into the ocean, the whales sang”We are family,eventhough your fatter than me!”
Monkey and the Cue Ball
This guy walks into a bar with his monkey. The guy sits down next to the bartender and has a few drinks. After a while he has to go the bathroom. “Will you watch my monkey while I go the bathroom?” the guy asked the bartender. “Sure.”, says the bartender. As soon as the bartender hits the bathroom, the monkey jumps up, runs across the room to the pool tables and eats the cue-ball. “What the hell?”, the bartender exclaimed. When the guy came out of the bathroom, the bartender says. “Guess what?…your damn monkey just ate my cue-ball.” “Oh god.”, says the guy. “Here there’s $20 and after the monkey passes the cue-ball, I’ll sterilize it and bring it back to you, deal?” The bartender agrees. A week later the guy comes back with his monkey and also returns the cue-ball. He is now on good terms with the bartender. Anyway, the guy has a few drinks and after awhile he needs to go the bathroom. He looks at the bartender and says, “Will you watch my monkey while I go the bathroom?” “He isn’t going to eat the cue-ball is he?”, asked the bartender. “No he’s over that.”, explained the guy. Bartender agrees. As soon as the guy hits the bathroom, the monkey jumps up, runs across the room, and gets a peanut out of the peanut bowl. The monkey examines the peanut. Then the monkey puts the peanut up it’s ass, pulls the peanut out, and finally eats the peanut. “What innnnnnn the hellllllll”, the bartender exclaimed in a bewildered manner. The guy comes out of the bathroom. “Guess what?….your monkey just stuck a peanut up it’s ass, and then ate it afterwards.”, the bartender explained, still overcome by the act. “Oh yeah…”, the guy acknowledges. “It’s just that ever since the cue-ball, he just wants to make sure everything fits.”