Johny Deeper

Johny Deeper is a Freshman in high school and has a hot,
blonde female teacher. He’s decided its time to make his move.
After school one day Johny stays after school. He goes up to
his teacher and says to her, take off your clothes. She says
no. Johny said , well if you don’t I’ll tell my mama, my mama
will tell my daddy, the principle and you’ll get fired. The
dumb blonde teacher unwillingly takes of her clothes. Then
Johny tells the teacher to get on the desk and screw him. She
says no. Johny said , well if you don’t I’ll tell my mama, my
mama will tell my daddy, the principle and you’ll get fired.
The teach once again submits and does what he told her to do.
When they are screwing on the desk Johny’s parents come in to
see were Johny was. Johny’s dad screams Johny Deeper!

3 Docs at heavans gate!

Three doctors arrived in heaven. St. Peter asked the first one why he should be let into heaven.

The doctor said “Because I won the Nobel Peace Prize for my work.”

The second doctor was a little worried when his turn came. He said, “I haven’t won any prizes, but I’ve started free clinics and helped those in need for free.” St. Peter let him in.

The third doctor said, “I’m responsible for all the HMO’s across the United States.”

St. Peter thought about it for a minute and said, “OK… I’ll let you in, but only for three days!”

A horse and chicken

On a farm the was a horse and a chicken who were friends. One
day they were mucking around on the farm in a paddock where
there was a big deep hole, which the horse fell into.

“Help me” neigh the horse.

“OK I’ll go get the farmer.” Clucked the chicken. And so the
chicken went to get the farmer but he could not be found. So he
went into the barn and got into the farmers new BMW and drove
out to the horse, put a rope around the horse and pulled him out
of the hole.

The next day not having learned the lesson the horse and the
chicken were playing near the hole again. But this time the
chicken fell in.

“Help me” clucked the chicken, but instead of running to get the
farmers car the horse lowered his cock into the hole and picked
up the chick.

MORAL OF THE STORY:

If your hung like a horse you dont need a BMW to pick up chicks.

Actual Court Sayings!

30 things people actually said in court

Question 1.
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15th
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Question 2.
Q: What gear were you in the moment of impact?
A: Gucci sweets and Reeboks.

Question 3.
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you have forgotten?

Question 4.
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: 38 or 35, I can’t remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: 45 years

Question 5.
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said “Where am I, Cathy?”
Q: And why did that upset you?
A My name is Susan.

Question 6.
Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximatly milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

Question 7.
Q: Sir, What is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

Question 8.
Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.

Question 9.
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, Voodoo.

Question 10.
Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendent, were you red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes
Q: Did the defendent say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes sir
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?

Question 11.
Q: Now doctor, isnt it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesnt know about it until the next morning?

Question 12.
Q: The youngest son, the 22 year old, how old is he?

Question 13.
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Question 14.
Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

Question 15.
Q: Did he kill you?

Question 16.
Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of collision?

Question 17.
Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

Question 18.
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

Question 19.
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: What were you doing at the time?

Question 20.
Q: She had three children right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: none.
Q: Were there any girls?

Question 21.
Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: yes
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Question 22.
Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather eleborate honeymoon, didnt you?
A: I went to Europe, Sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?

Question 23.
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Question 24.
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Question 25.
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male or female?

Question 26.
Q: Doctor how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Question 27.
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK,? What school did you go to?
A: Oral

Question 28.
Q: Do you recall the time you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Question 29.
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

Question 30.
Q:Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So it was possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brains was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patien have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he coulkd have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

TYPICAL

Three men were due to be executed one day – one University of Alabama
graduate, one Florida State graduate and one Auburn University graduate.
The Alabama grad was the first to be brought in front of the firing squad.
Just when they were about to fire, he shouted, “Tornado!” The guards all turned
around, and he escaped by jumping over the wall.
Next in line was the Florida State grad, now confident that he too will be
able to escape. So, just when they were about to fire, he shouted, “Flood!” The
guards turned around and he too managed to escape.
Now it was the turn of the Auburn grad, wondering what disaster he could use
(now that tornado and flood had been used). Finally, just when the guards were
about to shoot, he shouted, “Fire!”

Doorknob

A husband and wife were in the bathroom getting ready to go to work when the husband looked at his wife and said, “I gotta have you!”

He backed her up against the bathroom door, ripped her knickers off and gave her one there and then.

When he finished he started putting his clothes on and saw his wife still writhing around against the door.

“What’s wrong? Didn’t you come? Do you want more?”

His wife said, “No, no, it’s not that. I’m just trying to get the doorknob out of my ass!”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman

The Fight!

Kelly limps into his favorite pub…

My god! What happened to you?” the bartender asked Kelly as he hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a cast.

“I got in a tiff with Riley”, whispered Kelly to the beertender.

“Riley? He’s just a wee fellow,” the barkeep said surprised.
“He must have had something in his hand.”

“That he did,” Kelly said. “A shovel it was.”

“Dear Lord. Didn’t you have anything in your hand?”

“Aye, that I did – Mrs. Riley’s right tit.” Kelly said.
“And a beautiful thing it was, but not much use in a fight!”

Three guys in hell

Three guys went to hell and saw a green laidy crying the divil heard and came in saying what the fuck are you crying about the laidy says i left my green baby then the divil tell the three men if you get this woman a green baby i wll set you free the men says cool the white guy trys nine month later a white baby come the white guy says i have failed the black guy trys with a green condom nine month later its a black baby he says i have also failed then the chinese guy fucks the lady nine month later a green baby apeers the divil says to the chinese guy you are free but tell me how did you gat a green baby to come out?
The chinese guy says ME CHINESE ME PLAY TRICK ME PUT CLOROXS ON MY DICK.

14 pints of Guinness

A bloke goes into a pub.
The barmaid asks what he wants.

‘I want to put my head between your tits, and lick the sweat off,’ he
replies.

‘You dirty bastard!’ shouts the barmaid, ‘Get out before I get my
husband.’

The bloke apologizes and says he will never do it again.

The barmaid, disgusted, accepts his apology and asks what he wants again.

‘I want to pull down your knickers, spread cottage cheese between your arise
cheeks and lick it off,’ he replies.

‘What???’ screams the barmaid, ‘that’s it! You’re barred, you dirty, filthy,
perverted bastard, get out now.’

Once again the bloke apologizes, and says he will never, ever do it again.

‘Right. I’ll give you one last chance,’ says the barmaid. ‘Now, what do you
want?’

‘I want to turn you upside down, fill your pussy with Guinness and
drink it all out of you.’

The barmaid starts crying and runs upstairs to her husband, who is sitting
down watching the tally.

‘What’s up, love?’ says the husband.

‘There’s this disgusting bloke downstairs. When I asked him what he wanted, he
said that he wanted to put his head between my tits and lick the sweat off,’ she
says in a flood of tears.

‘What? He’s a dead man,’ shouts the husband getting out of his chair.

‘Then he said he wanted to pull down my knickers, spread cottage cheese
between my arise cheeks and lick it off,’ screams the wife.

‘Right, he’s going to need a body bag, the bastard,’ shouts the husband
rolling up his sleeves and picking up a baseball bat.

‘Then he said he wanted to turn me upside down, fill my pussy with Guinness
and drink it out of me,’ she concludes.

When he hears this, the husband puts the baseball bat down and sits back down
in his chair.

‘Aren’t you going to do something?’ shouts the wife in hysterics.

‘Listen love, I’m not messing with someone who can drink 14 pints of
Guinness…’