Author: admin

George of the Jungle vs Titanic

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Prepare yourself. I have uncovered information that may shock and upset
you. Much like the Kennedy/Lincoln connections, it has come to my
attention that George of the Jungle and Titanic are basically the same
movie. While looking at the cultural values of films in my Lit class, I
accidently stumbled across this exciting news.

GEORGE: High society Ursula is engaged to the pompous, arrogant Lyle
Vandergroot but ends up in love with third class George.
TITANIC: High society Rose is engaged to the pompous, arrogant Cal Huckley
but ends up falling for third class Jack.

GEORGE: Ursula first meets George after he saves her life.
TITANIC: Rose first meets Jack when he saves her life.

GEOGRE: Ursula goes to thank George and ends up spending the rest of the
day with him.
TITANIC: Rose goes to thank Jack and ends up spending the rest of the day
with him.

GEORGE: Ursula sees George’s sensitive side when he cheers up a monkey.
TITANIC: Rose sees Jack’s sensitive side when he cheers up a little girl.

GEORGE: Ursula starts falling for George when they first dance together.
TITANIC: Rose starts falling for Jack when they first dance together.

GEORGE: George is invited to a high society party.
TITANIC: Jack is invited to a high society party.

GEORGE: Ursula’s mother forbids the love of Ursula/George
TITANIC: Rose’s mother forbids the love of Jack/Rose

GEORGE: Lyle disposes of George by locking him in a cage.
TITANIC: Cal disposes of Jack by locking him in a room.

GEORGE: Ursula gives up everything to be with George.
TITANIC: Rose gives up everything to be with Jack.

GEORGE: George sacrifices his body in order to save Ursula.
TITANIC: Jack sacrifices his life in order to save Rose.

GEORGE: George is the self-proclaimed “King of the Jungle.”
TITANIC: Jack is the self-proclaimed “King of the World”

GEORGE: Ursula wears a special necklace which reminds her of George.
TITANIC: Rose saves a special necklace which reminds her of jack.

GEORGE: Rich, snooty fiance mocks the natives for their knowledge of
photography and the ape for his choice of reading material, but they turn
out to know more than he does.
TITANIC: Rich, snooty fiance mocks his girlfriend for her knowledge of art
and her choice of reading material, but she turns out to know more than he
does.

GEORGE: George likes the feel of the wind on his face when he rides in the
limo.
TITANIC: Jack likes the feel of the wind on his face when he stands at the
bow.

GEORGE: “George just lucky I guess”
TITANIC: Jack says how lucky he is to have won the card game.

GEORGE: George doesn’t have appropriate clothing for society events.
TITANIC: Jack doesn’t have appropriate clothing for society events.

GEORGE: A benevolent ape helps George overcome his social inadequacies.
TITANIC: A benevolent passenger helps Jack overcome his social
inadequacies.

GEORGE: George returns to a dangerous situation to rescue an ape, who is
locked up and treated like an animal.
TITANIC: Jack returns to a dangerous situation to rescue a boy, who had
been locked up and treated like an animal.

GEORGE: Ursula is delighted to see unfamiliar forest creatures enjoying
their native songs.
TITANIC: Rose is delighted to see unfamiliar third-class creatures
enjoying their native songs.

GEORGE: George is left parentless due to a tragic mass-transportation
accident.
TITANIC: Jack is left lifeless due to a tragic mass-transportation
accident.

GEORGE: George dangles from a bridge to help a suicidal stranger.
TITANIC: Jack dangles from the bridge of a ship to help a suicidal
stranger.

GEORGE: George is a cartoon character brought to life through the magic of
movies.
TITANIC: Cal is a live person turned into a cartoon character through the
magic of movies.

Un joven guapo, con un

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Un joven guapo, con un cuerpazo, estaba desempleado pues acababa de terminar sus estudios. Como no ten�a ingresos, no ten�a para pagar la renta, el agua, la luz, la comida, etc. As� que decide prostituirse y pone en la puerta de su casa un letrero con letras grandes:

CAMA: $100.00
CATRE: $50.00
SUELO: $25.00

Pasa una viejita y se queda mirando muy atentamente el letrero; se va a su casa; rompe el cochinito; cuenta su dinero y se va con el joven prostituto. Al ver al joven, le extiende las monedas que lleva en la mano. El muchacho detenidamente la observa y cuenta el dinero: $100.00. El joven mira a la anciana y le dice:

“Picarona, �lo quiere en la cama?”

“Sonriendo con malicia, la viejita le responde:

“No, m’ijito… �lo quiero cuatro veces en el suelo!”

Yet more Clinton Jokes!

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One of the nation’s largest soup manufacturers announced today that they will be stocking America’s shelves this week with their newest Soup creation, “Clinton Soup”, that will honor one of the nation’s most distinguished men. It consists primarily of a small weenie in hot water!

Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honor Bill Clinton. The Dodge Drafter will begin production in Canada this year.

When Clinton was asked what he thought about foreign affairs, he replied: “I don’t know, I never had one.”

If you came across Bill Clinton struggling in a raging river and you had a choice between rescuing him or getting a Pulitzer Prize-winning photograph, what shutter speed would you use?
Chelsea asked her dad, “Do all fairy tales begin with once upon a time?”
Bill Clinton replied, “No, some begin with ‘After I’m elected’.”

Clinton’s mother prayed fervently that Bill would grow up and be president. So far, half of her prayer has been answered.

American Indians have nicknamed Bill Clinton as “Walking Eagle” because he is so full of crap he can’t fly.

Clinton only lacks three things to become one of America’s finest leaders: integrity, vision, and wisdom.

Clinton is doing the work of three men: Larry, Curly, and Moe.

Revised judicial oath: “I solemnly swear to tell the truth as I know it, the whole truth as I believe it to be, and nothing but what I think you need to know.”

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason!

The Top 13 Rejected Steps in 12-Step Programs

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13. Whenever the urge to submit to your addiction strikes, sing Barney songs until pummeled beyond recognition.

12. Humbly ask God to remove all character flaws and about 5 inches from our thighs, hips and buttocks.

11. Toast to your success!

10. Blame the friggin’ wife for spending all my hard-earned money, for chrissake!!

9. First Step: Ask Her Out And Treat Her Like A Lady

8. Do a shot of tequila every time someone says “codependent.”

7. First, you must admit to everyone you know that you have “this friend” who has a problem.

6. Come clean about that Chappaquiddick thing, for cryin’ out loud.

5. Put the lime in the coconut and drank it all up.

4. Admit that Feng Shui cannot in any way compensate for daily physiological counseling.

3. Give Yourself Over to a Higher Power: But first, take off all your clothes and have a seat in the Oval Office.

2. Steps 5 through 7: Lick it, suck it, slam it.

1. Complete program by standing in front of support group and shouting, “I’m cured, you bunch of losers!”

First hand job

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A guy has been asking the prettiest girl in town for a date and finally she agrees to go out with him.

He takes her to a nice restaurant and buys her a fancy dinner with expensive wine.

On the way home, he pulls over to the side of the road in a secluded spot.

They start necking and he’s getting pretty excited. He starts to reach under her skirt and she stops him, saying she’s a virgin and wants to stay that way.

“Well, okay,” he says, “how about a blow job?”

“Yuck!” she screams. “I’m not putting that thing in my mouth!”

He says, “Well, then, how about a hand job?”

“I’ve never done that,” she says. “What do I have to do?”

“Well,” he answers, “remember when you were a kid and you used to shake up a Coke bottle and spray your brother with it?”

She nods.

“Well, it’s just like that.”

So, he pulls it out and she grabs hold of it and starts shaking it.

A few seconds later, his head flops back on the headrest, his eyes close, snot starts to run out of his nose, wax blows out of his ear and he screams out in pain.

“What’s wrong?!” she cries out.

“Take your thumb off the end!!”

Application for White House Interns

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Greetings prospective White House interns! This year, our program is heading into its 69th year of bringing America’s best and brightest to the nation’s Capitol to help the “Head Man” do his job. We expect that 1998 will be the most exciting one yet!

Why, you might be asking yourself, do I want to be a part of this demanding, yet rewarding program? Check this out:

* Be a part of the action in the pulsing, throbbing political scene of the hottest city in the world!

* Get up close and personal with some of America’s movers and shakers!

* See rooms in the White House that even a VIP tour won’t show you!

* Get total access to plenty of sensitive Presidential activities!

Sound like it’s for you? Just listen to this testimonial from a former intern:

“I couldn’t believe it! After only a few months on the job answering phones and fetching coffee, there I was, debriefing the president. Getting involved in executive branch affairs is just fantastic.” -M. Lewinsky, Beverly Hills, CA

As you can see, being a White House intern is more than long hours, hot debates and touchy national issues. Still interested? Fill out this information form and send it back to the White House a : [email protected]

Name:

Hometown:

Sex: F__

Age:

Measurements: (required for medical purposes)

How many beers it takes to get you…

…Giggly:

…Drunk:

…Hot:

…To lie to a federal prosecutor:

Quick quiz:

You’ve always considered the White House:

a) a monument to democracy

b) the place where great leaders meet

c) vaguely erotic

d) extremely erotic

Hillary Clinton is a(n):

a) model wife and mother

b) icon of late 20th century femininity

c) obstacle

d) inappropriate companion for the leader of the free world

You’ve always wanted to know more about the President’s:

a) Israeli policies

b) childhood in Hope, Ark.

c) romper room

d) “monument to democracy”

My social life as an intern would likely consist of:

a) hitting Georgetown bars with the other interns

b) reading, study

c) late nights working at the White House

d) late nights working the White House

Score

1 point for each a,

2 for each b,

3 for each c,

4 for each d.

Scores of 16 can start tomorrow.

Scores of 12 and above, please call soon. Uncle Sam wants you.

*Please feel free to forward this form to anyone you know who might be interested in this program. The White House is an equal opportunity employer.

Bumper Crop O' B

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  • Bush happens
  • Life is like a box of chocolates. Looks like we got a bad one. (Impeach Bush)
  • Jesus loves you. Everyone else thinks you’re an asshole.
  • Vegetarians taste better
  • There is absolutely no excuse for the way I’m about to drive
  • If you’re reading this, it’s time to MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS!
  • Don’t steal. the government hates competition
  • I’m frum texas. yep, we luv ar bush. he’s jest as smrt as we ar
  • Honk if you like peace and quiet

    • Hab�a una vez un colombiano

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    Hab�a una vez un colombiano que lleg� a un pa�s extra�o. Como no se hab�a dado cuenta que en ese pa�s hablaban tambi�n el espa�ol fue a la embajada colombiana y le pregunt� a un se�or:

    “Oiga, en este pais como se dice mesero.”

    El otro, para burlarse de �l, le dice: “Marica”.

    “�C�mo se dice plato de comida?”

    “Plato de mierda.”

    “�C�mo se dice dinero?”

    “Pelos en la verga.”

    “�C�mo se dice polic�a?”

    “Hijueputa.”

    Llega a un restaurante y le dice al mesero: “Marica, marica, venga.”

    Entonces el mesero le dice: “Respete, se�or.”

    “Me da un plato de mierda.”

    “Aqu� no vendemos eso.”

    En eso va pasando un polic�a y le grita:

    “�Hijueputa, hijueputa, venga! �Es que este marica no me quiere dar un plato de mierda aunque yo tengo muchos pelos en la verga!”

    Santa Please Dont Go!

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    A older girl was waiting for santa to come.When he slid down the chimney and buiseid himself with work.Before he left she stood up and said “Oh santa Please dont go!” santa looked araound and said “Sorry miss but I have to.” at this the girl took off her shirt and said “Santa please dont go.” santa blinked but still wouldnt stay.She took off her pants.Still he said “I have to go.” she took off her bra “Say you will stay santa!” he shook his head and turned to leave.At one last otempt she took of her underwear and said seductivly “Oh santa…Pleaseeee dont go!” santa turned around and his jaw droped.”Ah well I guess ill stay…I cant go up the chimney with my cock this way!”

    Catch my eye

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    A man who lived in an apartment thought it was raining and put his hand out the window to check. As he did so a glass eye fell into his hand.

    He looked up to see where it came from just in time to see a young woman looking down.

    “Is this yours?” he asked.

    “Yes, ” She said, “could you bring it up?”

    On arrival she was profuse in her thanks and offered the man a drink.

    As she was very attractive he agreed.

    Shortly afterwards she said, “I’m about to have dinner. There’s plenty. Would you like to join me?”

    He readily accepted her offer and both enjoyed a lovely meal.

    As the evening was drawing to a close the lady said, “I’ve had a marvelous evening. Would you like to stay the night?”

    The man hesitated then said, “Do you act like this with every man you meet?”

    “No,” she replied, “Only those who catch my eye.”

    Submitted by Calamjo
    Edited by Curtis