Q: Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
A: Chickens hadn’t evolved yet.
Author: admin
President’s day?
Did you hear about the Bill Clinton sale at clothing stores on President’s
day?
All pants half off.
Gravestones
A couple is having an argument. The husband yells, “When you
die, I’m getting you a headstone that reads, ‘Here Lies My
Wife–Cold As Ever.'”
“Yeah” she replies, “When you die, I’m getting you a headstone
that reads, ‘Here Lies My Husband–Stiff At Last.'”
Better Than Men
Women understand that babies do not come from the stork.
When a women is pregnant and craves pickle and mustard sandwich�s, the man groans and wines until they remind him that you are the one having the baby HERE! But when the man craves a six pack, she diligently goes to the store and returns five hours later with a romantic movie.
When women see a ”caution” sign, they carefully avoid it, while men assume that it was meant for someone else, and come home with every bone broken.
Women characterize the first date, by seeing how you act and eat. Men check to see if you can name at least one football, basketball or baseball star.
Women can stand to be wrong, while men make about excuses ”misunderstanding” and some how it is always the women’s fault.
When a man attends a concert, he whoops, yells, shrieks and yelps, while gobbling down anything he can get his hands on. While women enjoy the show, dancing and socializing with friends.
When women stay in the bathroom for over 45 seconds, men assume that something is wrong, and walk in to examine the situation.
Women understand about privacy, and won’t come in the room until 2 hours have passed.
When in a hospital, women will share all emotions. While men, being the ”tough” guys that they are, will ”stay calm” until someone finally notices that he has wet the chair he is sitting in.
Women love to help. Men feel you want commitment when you ask to do the dishes.
The Cesium song 13
Cesium’s Strange(Tune, People are strange – The Doors)Cesium’s strange,when you’re a strangerConsummate danger,ready to blow.Water is wicked,wet and unwanted,Folks are unfriendly,when you glow.Don’t take it out in the rain.You’re insane!You’re insane!Don’t you remember the pain?You’re insane!You’re insane!You’re insane —Cesium’s strange,pregnant with danger,Hand the next strangera kilo or two.Pour on the water,lamb at the slaughter,Bathe in the lightthat is blue, sky-blue!Don’t take it out in the rain.You’re insane!You’re insane!You’ll always remember the pain.You’re insane!You’re insane!You’re insane —— Songs of Cesium #13
El otro d�a mi abuela
El otro d�a mi abuela me escribi� una carta que dec�a textualmente as�:
Querido nieto:
El otro d�a tuve una experiencia religiosa muy buena, que quer�a compartir contigo. Fui a la librer�a cristiana y all� encontr� una calcoman�a para el auto que dec�a:
“Toc� bocina si amas a Dios”.
Dado que hab�a tenido un d�a muy malo, decid� comprarla y pegarla en el paragolpes de mi auto. Al salir manejando, llegu� a un cruce de dos avenidas que estaba muy complicado, con muchos autos. La temperatura exterior era de 37 grados y era la hora de salida de las oficinas. All� me qued� parada, porque la luz estaba roja, pensando en el Se�or y como El es bueno, no me d� cuenta que la luz se hab�a puesto verde, pero descubr� que muchos otros aman al Se�or porque inmediatamente comenzaron a sonar las bocinas. La persona que estaba detr�s de mi auto (sin duda muy religiosa) tocaba la bocina sin parar y me gritaba:
– Dale por el amor de Dios.
Dirigidos por �l, todos hac�an sonar la bocina. Yo les sonre� y los saludaba con la mano a trav�s de la ventanilla. Vi que otro muchacho me saludaba de una manera particular levantando s�lo el dedo medio de la mano. Le pregunt� a otro de mis nietos, que estaba conmigo, que quer�a decir ese saludo, contest�ndome que era un saludo Hawaiano de buena onda. Entonces yo saqu� mi mano por la ventana y salud� a todos de la misma manera.
Mi nieto se doblaba de la risa, supongo que por la bella “experiencia religiosa” que estaba viviendo. Dos hombres de un auto cercano, se bajaron y comenzaron a caminar hacia mi auto, creo que para rezar conmigo o para preguntarme a que templo voy.
Pero en ese momento fue que vi que la luz estaba verde. Entonces salud� a todos mis hermanos y hermanas y pas� la luz. Luego de cruzar, not� que el �nico auto que hab�a podido pasar era el m�o, ya que la luz volvi� a ponerse en rojo y me sent� triste de dejarlos all� despu�s de todo el amor que hab�amos compartido.
Por lo tanto par� el auto, me baj�, salud� a todos con el saludo hawaiano por �ltima vez y me fui. Ruego a Dios por todos esos buenos hombres y mujeres.
Besos, tu abuela.
Women Pass Less Gas
Why do women pass less gas than men? Because women don’t keep their mouths shut long enough to build up pressure!
Spliff Joke
With a screech of brakes, an ambulance pulls up at the local emergency room
and a hippie is wheeled out on a gurney. The doctor questions the patient’s
long-haired colleagues. ”So what was he doing then?” asks the physician.
”Acid? Cannabis?” ”Sort of,” replies one of the hippies, nervously thumbing
his caftan. ”But we ran out of gear, so I skinned up a homemade spliff.” ”And
what was in that?” asks the doctor. ”Um, I kind of raided my girlfriend’s
spice rack.” says the hippie. ”There was a bit of cumin, some turmeric and a
little paprika.” ”Well, that explains it,” the doctor replies, looking at
them gravely. ”He is in a Korma.”
Solving Bat Problem
Did you hear about the three ministers who were talking about their common problem with bats in the belfry of the church?
The first: “I shot at them with a shotgun; but it only spoiled the woodwork.”
The second: “I tried a more humane approach, netting them and releasing them 100 Km away. But they beat me back to the church!”
The third (who was looking pretty smug): “I caught them, and baptized and confirmed each one. I haven’t seen them since.”
Claude
Q: What do you call the loser in a hissing, scratching cat fight?
A: Claude.
Who’s the Boss?
When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss.
The brain said, ” I should be Boss because I control the whole body’s responses and functions.”
The feet said, ” We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go.”
The hands said, ” We should be the Boss because we do all the work and earn all the money.”
And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs and the eyes until finally the asshole spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the Boss. So the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work.
Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered.
Eventually they all decided that the asshole should be the Boss, so the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work while the Boss just sat and passed out the shit!
Moral of the story: You don’t need brains to be a Boss – any asshole will do!
Un se�or nececitaba una operaci�n
Un se�or nececitaba una operaci�n urgente al ri��n. Va al m�dico y le dice:
“Doctor, yo necesito un transplante de ri��n urgente.”
“Bueno, se�or, venga usted el lunes de la pr�xima semana a las 4pm.”
As� transcurren los d�as y el doctor no encuentra al donante hasta que llaga el lunes a las 3pm y el doctor ve pasar un perro por delante de la cl�nica. Lo lleva a la sala de operaciones y le quita el ri��n y se lo pone al se�or.
Pasa un mes y el doctor dice: “Ya me jod�, ah� viene el tipo que le puse el ri��n de perro.”
El doctor le pregunta asustado:
“�Y c�mo se siente?”
“Excelente, doctor, nada m�s que un problemita: cada vez que voy al ba�o levanto la pata para hacer pila.”