Your momma is so fat that every time she exhales Pluto goes farthere out into space.
Author: admin
What Is Love
Love is a sensation caused by temptation.
When a man sticks his inspiration
into a girl’s combination,
to increase the population
of a younger generaration.
Do you get my conversation,
or do you need a demonstration.
Eat me, Beat me, Bite me, Blow me,
Fuck me, Suck me, very slowly.
If you hate it, don’t make it hasty,
add the tongue and make it tasty.
I like your style, I like your class,
but most of all, I like your ass.
Martha’s Life In Jail
I’m picturing lovely ribbons winding like candy canes down the iron
bars, and useful storage containers she’s built that glide easily below
her bunk bed in which she’ll store sheets and linens from K-Mart’s
going-out-of-business sale.
The lone toilet will be transformed into a bouquet spilling over with
toilet paper flowers, into which a trickling cascade of water will flow
from the sink in a bird bath-like fashion, in an effort to attract sparrows
through the open bars of her window.
Once trapped in her cell, the sparrows will be slowly roasted with
matches for which Martha will have gotten by beating up her cellmate.
They will be stuffed with acorns found in the prison courtyard. I hear
it’s Martha’s intention to collect enough birds to offer a Thanksgiving
feast to all those who continue to subscribe to her magazine, even
while in prison, although she has asked that each of them commit
to a year of service as part of her newly appointed staff.
I believe she plans to save all the rolls from her dinner tray to build a
decorative wall between her bed and that of her cellmate, as Sam
Waksal’s taste clashes wildly with hers.
Her future plans include melting down the gold she plans to collect
from the teeth of other inmates, with which she will guild invitations
to her own escape. With a spoon she has forged into the shape of a
melon baller, Martha plans to scoop out marble-sized bits of her cell
floor until she has made it safely under the prison walls to freedom.
Any prison guards in pursuit will lose their footing immediately on the
thousands of marbles she plans to leave in her wake, each one
perfectly round.
As a parting gesture, Martha plans to moon the prison. Tattooed on
her cheeks is written: “It’s a good thing.”
Never volunteer for anything.
Never volunteer for anything.
Not the Happiest Birthday
Two weeks ago was my 44th birthday and I wasn’t feeling too hot that morning.
I went down to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say “Happy
Birthday” and probably have a present for me. She didn’t even say “Good
Morning”, let alone any “Happy Birthday.” I thought, “Well, that’s wives for
you. The children will remember. “The children came down to breakfast and didn’t
say a word.
When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I
walked into my office, my secretary, Janet said, “Good Morning, Boss, Happy
Birthday.” I felt a little better. Someone had remembered. I worked until noon,
then Janet knocked on my door and said, “You know it is such a beautiful day
outside and it is your birthday, let’s go to lunch, just you and me.” I said,
“By George, that’s the greatest thing I’ve heard all day. Let’s go.
We went to lunch. We didn’t go where we normally go. We went out into the
country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch
tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, “You know it is such a
beautiful day; we don’t need to go back to the office, do we?” I said, “No, I
guess not.” She said, “Let’s go to my apartment.”
After arriving at her apartment she said, “Boss, if you don’t mind, I think
I’ll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable. Sure,” I
excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes she came
out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children and dozens of
our friends. They were all singing Happy Birthday…….and there I sat on the
couch…….naked.
Un d�a en la escuela
Un d�a en la escuela la profesora estaba pasando lista:
“�Lola Lopez?”
“Presente.”
“�Miguel Soles?”
Presente.
Y as� sigue, hasta que llega hasta Pepito, que era el mas vulgar.
“Pepito Angulo.”
“Me pica el culo.”
La profesora sale enojada del sal�n de clase y se va donde la directora, esta le dice que diga el nombre al rev�s y punto.
Al d�a siguiente pasa lista muy confiada:
“Reyes Adri�n.”
“Presente.”
Hasta que lleg� donde Pepito, pensando “te jodi, Pepito”.
“Angulo Pepito.”
“�Me pica igualito!”
Esta era una competencia de
Esta era una competencia de nataci�n muy especial, pues se trataba de ver quien nadaba 100 metros sin que lo devoraran los cocodrilos que estaban dentro de la alberca.
Entra un japon�s y le cuentan: 10, 20, 30, 40, 50, 60, 70 metros, y se lo engullen los cocodrilos.
Sigue el franc�s y le cuentan: 10, 20, 30, 40, 50, 60, 70, 80 metros, y los cocodrilos lo devoran.
Despu�s de eso, nadie se atrev�a a participar, por lo que a trav�s de altoparlantes solicitaban m�s participantes.
“�Qu� tenemos aqu�? Un mexicano”, dice el anunciador, y le cuentan: 10, 20, 30, 40, 50, 60, 70, 80, 90, 100 metros.
“Bueno tenemos un ganador”, anuncian. “�Algo que quiera decir al p�blico?”, entrevistan al atleta.
�Qu� chingue a su madre el que me avent�!, estalla el nadador.
Id man
where does sadam housan keep his cds?
in irak
Occupational description
Barry and Thomas found themselves out of a job when the underwear factory in town shut down. But their boss said they could go to the LSU office, you know, the Louisiana State Unemployment office.So as Thomas waited, Barry sat down at the desk and was interviewed by the woman at the desk.”And what was your former occupation?” she asked.”Me, I was a crotch stitcher. I specialised in ladies’ underpants.” Barry proudly replied.So the lady looks it up in her big book and say, “OK, you’re eligible for $50 a week.””Hot damn, you mean I don’t gotta do nothin’ and I can get $50 a week. Man, that even beats crawfishin’!” Barry shouted.Then Thomas sat down and the lady asked him the same question. Thomas looked her straight in the eye and said, “I was a diesel fitter.”She looked up in her big book again and said “Very good then, you’re eligible for $100 a week in unemployment benefits.””WAIT A HOT DAMN MINUTE!” Barry shouted. “How come he gets $100 a week, and me, I only get $50. I told you I used to be a crotch stitcher; you know you gotta be real good to do that kind of work so the seams are all nice a straight and smooth so nothing scratches you down there. And Thomas here, he’s only a diesel fitter. And he’s gonna make twice than I’m making?””Oh,” the lady replied, “but he’s a skilled labourer with an education. Diesel fitters are in high demand especially by oilfields and heavy equipment users. There’s not many diesel specialists around.””Whoa, whoa, whoa, lady,” Barry continued, “you got it all wrong. Yeah, Thomas’s a diesel fitter, all right. But what that means is that after I do all the fine work on the ladies’ drawers, he picks them up, looks ’em over and stretches them this way and that, and then says, ‘Yep, dese’ll fit her!'”
Red Square Christmas
An elderly couple visiting Russia are taken on a tour of Red
Square by a young man named Rudolph. The weather is frigid.
After a short time, it begins to rain. The husband (evidently
not used to cold weather) remarks, “It’s snowing!”
To which young Rudolph replies, “No, it’s raining.”
The elderly man, miffed, states again, “It’s snowing!”
Rudolph repeats, “It’s raining.”
The older man’s wife turns to her husband. “Rudolph the Red
knows rain, dear.”
what does your dad d
WHAT DOES YOUR DAD DO ??? > > > >It’s the first day of school and the teacher thought she’d get to know the > >kids by asking them their name and what their father does for a living. > >The first little girl says: “My name is Mary and my daddy is a postman.” > >The next little boy says: “I’m Andy and my Dad is a mechanic.” > >Then one little boy says: “My name is Jimmy and my father is a striptease > >dancer in a cabaret for gay men.” > >The teacher gasps and quickly changes the subject, but later in the school > >yard the teacher approaches Jimmy privately and asks if it was really true > >that his Dad dances nude in a gay bar. > >He blushed and said, “I’m sorry but my dad plays hockey for Team USA, > >and I was just too embarrassed to say so.” > >
Zoo time
A young man is wandering around the zoo looking at the animals. He suddenly remembers about an appointment that he scheduled. Unfortunately, he forgets his watch. He searchs for someone who could give him the time.
He sees a zoo keeper standing next to an elephant. “Excuse me sir,” says the young man “do you know what time it is?”
The zoo keeper reaches under the elephant, grabs his balls and starts playing with them.
“Mmmmm, it is about 3:00” the zoo keeper responds.
The young man looks at him in awe, “How did you know that?” The zoo keeper looks back at the man, “I looked at the clock on the wall right behind you.”