The old couple were planning to go on a second honeymoon for their 50th wedding anniversary. The old woman said, “We will go to all the same places that we did on our first honeymoon.””Uh huh,” said the old man.”We will do all the things that we did on our first honeymoon,” said the old woman.”Uh huh,” said the old man.”And we will make love like we did on our first honeymoon,” said the old woman.”That’s right,” said the old man, “except this time I get to sit on the side of the bed and cry, ‘It’s too big, it’s too big!'”
Author: admin
Engineers Won’t Say This…
1. Debug code developed 4 years ago for a rush project with absolutely no documentation? Love to!
2. More documentation? Love to!
3. Why would anyone who spends every day of the week working on a computer want to spend any of their free time playing computer games?
4. Join in a Quake game? No thanks, I’m leaving early to spend some quality time with my friends and family.
5. Please – not pizza again.
6. Who wrote this? I’ve never seen such clean code! It should take me no time at all to debug it.
7. I’m really more of a morning person myself.
8. I’d really like to work in a big corporate environment where I can wear all of my favorite ties.
9. Microsoft – all the tools and support you’ll ever need.
10. I really don’t know the answer to that question.
11. From a network guy – No I’m sure it’s not an application issue – I probably just haven’t segmented the LAN correctly – I’ll get right on that.
12. From a developer – I have complete confidence in the network so why don’t I just take a look at my code.
13. It’s too simple, need more tables.
14. This field name is too descriptive, we love mystery here.
15. Please let me copy those 800MB source files over the network with my 32MB of RAM machine.
16. Yeah, give administrator permissions to EVERYBODY.
17. It will be done before deadline, under budget and with the extra features you wanted.
18. Oh, wow, more reports!!! WooHoo!!!
19. Data integrity?!?!? we don’t need no stinkin’ data integrity.
20. Go ahead, put that zip code in the Street name field.
21. We can always manually correct all those bad entries.
22. There’s no real difference between Text Strings and Numbers, it’s all zeros and ones after all…
23. Hey! I met the deadline! Woohoo!
24. Please let me wear a shirt and tie to work… I hate flip-flops.
25. Can you make a last minute change to the data structure. I like pressure.
26. Hey, call Microsoft! I bet they have the answer!
Dog named SEX
Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him “Rover” or “Boy.” I call mine “Sex.”
Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me.
When I went to the City Hall to renew his dog license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex.
He said, “I’d like to have one too.”
Then I said, “You don’t understand. I’ve had Sex since I was nine years old.”
He said, “You must have been quite a kid!”
When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, “But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex.”
He said he didn’t want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church.
I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace.
My family is barred from the church from then on.
When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the hotel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me, and a special room for Sex.
He said, “Every room in the place is for sex.”
I said, “You don’t understand. Sex keeps me awake at night.”
The clerk said, “Me too.”
One day I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around.
I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me that I should have sold tickets.
“But you don’t understand,” I said, “I had hoped to have Sex on T.V.”
He called me a show-off.
When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, “Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married.”
The judge said, “Me too.”
Then I told him that after I was married, Sex left me.
He said, “Me too.”
Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A cop came over to me and asked, “What are you doing in the alley at 4 o’clock in the morning?”
I said, “I’m looking for Sex.”
Well now I’ve been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, “What seems to be the trouble?”
I replied, “Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me forever. I couldn’t live any longer so lonely,”
And the doctor said, “Look mister, you should understand that sex isn’t a man’s best friend, so get yourself a dog.”
Afraid of the Dark?
A little boy was afraid of the dark. One night his mother told him to go
out to the back porch and bring her the broom. The little boy turned to
his mother and said, “Mama, I don’t want to go out there. It’s dark.”
The mother smiled reassuringly at her son. “You don’t have to be afraid of
the dark,” she explained. “Jesus is out there. He’ll look after you and
protect you.” The little boy looked at his mother real hard and asked,
“Are you sure he’s out there?”
“Yes, I’m sure. He is everywhere, and he is always ready to help you when
you need him,” she said. The little boy thought about that for a minute
and then went to the back door and cracked it a little. Peering out into
the darkness, he called,
“Jesus? If you’re out there, would you please hand me the broom?
No Rejects
A prostitute visited a colleague in the hospital just before she was about to have a heart transplant.
Concerned about her friend’s welfare, the prostitute went up to the surgeon and said, “Doctor, I’m worried about my friend. What if her body rejects the organ?”
The doctor replied, “Well, she’s 34 years old and is in extremely good health, apart from her heart. How long has she been in the business?”
The patient’s friend replied, “She’s been working since she was 18 years old, but what’s that got to do with anything?”
“Well,” said the doctor, “if she’s been working for 16 years and hasn’t rejected an organ, I don’t think she’s about to start now!”
Little Johnny on Etiquette
During a good manners and etiquette class, the teacher says
to her students “If you were courting a well educated young
girl from a prominent family and during a dinner for two you needed to
go to the toilet, what would you say to her? ”
Mike replies : Wait a minute, I need to take a leak.
The teacher says : That would be very rude and improper on
your part.
Charlie replied : I’m sorry I need to go to the toilet, I’ll
be back in a minute.
The teacher says : That’s much better but to mention the word
“toilet” during a meal, is unpleasant.
And Johnnie says: “My dear, please excuse me for a moment. I
have to go shake hands with a personal friend, whom, I hope,
to be able to introduce to you after dinner. ”
The teacher passed out.
Monster Valentine
Boy Monster: “Did you get the big red heart I sent you for Valentine’s?”
Girl Monster: “Yes, I did. Thank you.”
Boy Monster: “Is it still beating?”
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman
Bird sex
Have you heard about the man who did it with a parakeet?
He contracted chirpes and the worst thing?
It was untweetable.
Cubist Poo
Did you ever hear of the artist with brown fingers?
Pic-ass-o
Knock KnockWho’s there?Francis!Francis who?Francis on
Knock KnockWho’s there?Francis!Francis who?Francis on the other side of the Channel!
Must dos at the Mall
1. Ride mechanical horses with coins fished out of the reflecting pond.
2. Try pants on backwards at the Gap. Ask the salesperson if they make your rear look big.
3. Dial 900 numbers from demonstration phones in Radio Shack.
4. Sneeze on the sample tray at Hickory Farms and helpfully volunteer to consume its now unwanted contents.
5. At the bottom of an escalator, scream ‘AAAGH! MY SHOELACES! AAAGH!’
6. Ask the sales personnel at the music store whether inflated CD prices are in pesos or rubles.
7. Teach pet store parrots new vocabulary.
8. Stomp on ketchup packets at Burger King
9. Follow patrons of Border’s around while reading aloud from ‘The Worst Case Scenario Survival Handbook.’
10. Ask mall cops for stories of World War I.
11. Construct a new porch deck in the tool department of Sears.
12. Wear pancake makeup and new clothes and pose as a fashion dummy in clothes departments, occasionally screaming without warning.
13. Test mattresses in your pajamas.
14. Ask the tobaccanist if his hovercraft is full of eels.
15. Patiently stare intently into a surveillance camera for an hour while rocking from side to side.
16. Sprint up the down escalator.
17. Stare at static on a display TV and challenge other shoppers whether they, too, can see the ‘hidden picture’.
18. Ask sales personnel if they have any TVs that play only in Spanish.
19. Hula dance by the demonstration air conditioner.
20. Ask for red-tinted lenses at the optometrist.
21. Sneak up on saleswomen at the perfume counter and spray *them* with your own bottle of Eau de Toilette.
22. Rummage through the jelly bean bin at the candy store, insisting that you lost a contact lens.
23. Leave the plastic string connecting a new pair of shoes on, and wander around the mall taking two-inch steps.
24. Ask the Hammond organ dealer if he can play ‘Jesus Built My Hotrod’.
25. Ask the personnel at Pier 1 Imports whether they sell ‘any giant things made out of straw’.
26. ‘Toast’ plastic gag hot dogs in front of the fake fireplace display.
27. Ask the information desk for a stroller, and someone to push you around in it.
28. ‘Play’ the demo modes of video games at the arcade. Make lots of explosion noises.
29. Answer any unattended service phones that ring in department stores and say, “Domino’s, at your service!”
30. If it’s summer, go into the toy store and ask where all the beach balls are hidden!
The Clerk and the Raisin Bread
A general store owner hires a young female clerk with a penchant for very short skirts. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk, and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter. ‘I`d like some raisin bread, please,’ the man says politely.The clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, located on the very top shelf. The man, standing almost directly beneath her, is provided with an excellent view.As the clerk retrieves the bread, a small group of male customers gather around the young man, looking in the same direction. Pretty soon each person is asking for raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb up and down.After a few trips the clerk is tired and irritated. She stops and fumes at the top of the ladder, glaring at the men standing below. She notices an elderly man standing amongst the throng. ‘Is yours raisin too?’ the clerk yells testily.’No,’ croaks the feeble old man….’But it’s startin’ to twitch.’Bonus Joke: If a case of the clap spreads, is it called applause?