How could you tell that the whale was gay?
Because he bit the head off of the submarine and sucked out all the sea-men.
Author: admin
Q: How many armies
Q: How many armies does it take to change a lightbulb?A: At least five. The Germans to start it, the French to give up really easily after only trying for a little while, the Italians to make a start, get nowhere, and then try again from the other side, the Americans to turn up late and finish it off and take all the credit, and the Swiss to pretend nothing out of the ordinary is happening.
Dog w/o Wheels
Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Where you left it.
Bird Damage
This guy calls his wife at work and says, “Don’t worry I’m fine and the damage is minimal.”She says “Oh my gosh, what happened?”He says, “that he was coming back from lunch & a bird hit his car windshield.””How much damage did it do?” she asked.”Minimal, however I did get a ticket.””A ticket how did you get that?””Well I managed to reach the bird through the window and throw it behind me, however it hit the windshield of the car behind me. It was a highway patrol car and the officer gave me a ticket.””What for?” she asked, “damaging his windshield?””No, flipping him the bird!!!!”
You Know You’re From California When…
- The fastest part of your commute is down your driveway.
- You were born somewhere else.
- You know how to eat an artichoke.
- The primary bugs that you worry about are electronic.
- Your car has bulletproof windows.
- Left is right and right is wrong.
- Your monthly house payments exceed your annual income.
- Your mouse has only one ball.
- You need a new TV, you can run down to the local riot and pick one up.
- You dive under a desk whenever a large truck goes by.
- You can’t find your other earring because your son is wearing it.
- You drive to your neighborhood block party.
- Your family tree contains “significant others”.
- Your cat has it’s own psychiatrist.
- You don’t exterminate your roaches, you smoke them.
- You see 25 lawyers chasing an ambulance.
- More than clothes come out of the closets.
- When “the Dead” are best live.
- You go to a tanning salon before going to the beach.
- Your blind date turns out to be your ex-spouse.
- More money is spent on facelifts than on diapers.
- Smoking in your office is not optional.
- You pack shorts and a T-shirt for skiing in the snow, and a sweater and a wetsuit for the beach.
- When you can’t schedule a meeting because you must “do lunch”.
- Your children learn to walk in Birkenstocks.
- Rainstorms or thunder are the lead story for the local news.
- You’ll reluctantly miss yoga class to wait for the hottub repairman.
- You consult your horoscope before planning your day.
- A glass has been reserved for you at your favorite winery.
- When all highways into the state say: “no fruits”.
- All highways out of the state say: “Go back”.
Airline Funnies!
Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the “in-flight safety lecture” and their other announcements a bit more entertaining.
Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
1. From a Southwest Airlines employee…. “There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane…”
2. Pilot-“Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land…it’s a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern.”
3. After landing: “Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.
4. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: “Whoa, big fella. WHOA!”
5. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: “Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted.”
6. From a Southwest Airlines employee…. “Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt and if you don’t know how to operate one, you probably shouldn’t be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more.
7. Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they’ll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you or your money, more than Southwest Airlines.”
8. “Your seat cushions can be used for flotation and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments.”
9. “As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.”
10. “Last one off the plane must clean it.”
11. From the pilot during his welcome message: “We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry… Unfortunately none of them are on this flight…!
12. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, “Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what’s left of our airplane to the gate!”
13. Another flight Attendant’s comment on a less than perfect landing: “We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.”
14. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a “Thanks for flying XYZ airline.” He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, “Sonny, mind if I as you a question?” “Why no, Ma’am,” said the pilot, “what is it?” The little old lady said, “Did we land or were we shot down?”
15. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, “Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we’ll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.
16. Part of a Flight Attendant’s arrival announcement: “We’d like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you’ll think of us here at US Airways.”
Entra un tipo a un
Entra un tipo a un burdel y se dirige a la madama:
“Buenas tardes, �me podr�a dar informaci�n?”
“Claro que s�, mire, tenemos en oferta a Shannon, lo llamamos el ‘paquete ingl�s’, que incluye 2 horas continuas, striptease personal, botella de champa�a en la habitaci�n y propinas, todo por 1,500 d�lares”.
“Este… En realidad estaba buscando algo m�s econ�mico”.
“Bien, tenemos entonces el ‘paquete carioca’: una hora con Marlene; lambada privada; una botella de caipirinha y propinas, todo por �nicamente 850 d�lares”.
“�Y no tiene algo m�s barato?”
“Por 100 d�lares, le ofrezco a Lupita en el ‘paquete mexicano’: una copa de tequila; 15 minutos m�ximo y usted paga el cuarto”.
“Mire, la verdad es que s�lo traigo 10 d�lares”.
“�Por qu� no me lo dijo antes! En ese caso tenemos para usted el ‘paquete flamenco'”.
“�Y �se en que consiste?”
“�Usted se la jala y nosotras le aplaudimos!”
Yo Mama Joke
Yo mama so fat, when she was walking on the side walk,the policeman said break it up.
Sex drive
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman’s sex drive by 95 per cent.It’s called wedding cake.
Am I good at delegating?
Am I good at delegating? You Bet! I always find someone to blame!
The Smart Blonde
A blonde and a lawyer were seated next to each other on a long flight. To pass
the time, the lawyer suggested that they try to stump one another with trivia.
“If I ask you something that you don’t know, you owe me $5. The same goes if
you ask me something I don’t know.” The blonde refused.
“Okay. If you don’t know an answer, you pay me $5, but if I don�t know an
answer, I pay you $50.”
The blonde accepted. The Lawyer went first.
“What is the distance from the earth to the moon?”
The blonde didn’t say anything, but merely reached into her purse, pulled out
a $5 bill and handed it to the lawyer. Then it was her turn.
“What has four legs going up a hill, but only three coming down?”
The lawyer had no idea, so he gave her a $50 bill.
“So, what is it?”
The blonde said nothing, but merely reached into her purse and gave a $5 bill
to the lawyer.
Bragging about old times
Two men were boasting to each other about their old army days.”Why, my outfit was so well drilled,” declared one, “that when they presented arms all you could hear was slap, slap, click.””Very good,” conceded the other, “but when my company presented arms you’d just hear slap, slap, jingle.””What was the jingle?” asked the first. “Oh,” replied the other offhand, “just our medals.”