A lawyer addresses an all male jury: “Gentlemen, shall we cast this beautiful, lonely young lady into a dim cell in a prison, or shall we return her to her oceanside beach condo, Ocean City, telephone Number 555-4531?”
Author: admin
Kill blonde
how do you kill a blonde?
put a scratch and sniff pad at the bottom of the pool.
The Fottle
This bloke goes along to the Patent Office with some of his new designs. He says to the clerk, “I’d like to register my new invention. It’s a folding bottle.””OK,” says the clerk.”What do you call it?” “A fottle.” “A fottle? That’s a stupid name. Can you think of something else?” “I can think about it. I’ve got something else though. It’s a folding carton.” “And what do you call that?” asks the clerk.”A farton.” “That’s rude. You can’t possibly call it that.””In that case,” says the bloke, “You’re really going to hate the name of my folding bucket.”
Friendly Favor
George W. Bush is sitting in a hotel lobby, planning his speech to a group of
businessmen, when a little man walks up to him. “Excuse me, Mr. Bush, but my
name is Steve Case, and I’m here with an extremely important client tonight.
We’re going to see your speech tonight, and it would be a great help to me if,
when we walk by, you could impress him by saying, ‘Hello, Steve’.”
Bush readily agrees, and fifteen minutes later, the little man walks by, deep
in conversation with his client.
Bush came up and said, “Hello, Steve.”
The little man says, “F**k off, Bush! I’m in a meeting,” and keeps walking.
$3.00 Presidential funds
Q: Why are they asking for $3.00 Presidential funds in this year’s tax returns
(Last year it was only $1.00)
A: Because The condom prizes have gone up!
Edible Granny
What does a 77-year old pussy taste like ?………….. ……………………………………………………………………………………….well, Depends
Seg�n su creador y autor,
Seg�n su creador y autor, el Profesor Don Hermenegildo Torres, fundador del Partido Unico de los Pendejos.
1. Pendejo Optimista: Aquel que cree que no es pendejo.
2. Pendejo Pesimista: El que cree que s�lo �l es pendejo.
3. Pendejo Telesc�pico: Desde lejos se le nota lo pendejo.
4. Pendejo Fosforescente: Hasta en la obscuridad se le nota lo pendejo. Casi brilla de pendejo.
5. Pendejo Aplicado: Se preocupa por aprender m�s pendejadas.
6. Pendejo Esf�rico: Por el lado que lo veas, es pendejo.
7. Pendejo Laborioso: Todo el d�a se la pasa haciendo pendejadas.
8. Pendejo Petulante: Se enorgullece de sus pendejadas.
9. Pendejo Amigable: Tiene puros amigos pendejos.
10. Pendejo Enciclop�dico: Sabe un mont�n de pendejadas.
11. Pendejo Simp�tico: Sus pendejadas causan risa.
12. Pendejo Literario: Escribe un mont�n de pendejadas.
13. Pendejo Campana: �Es tan.. tan.. pero taaaan pendejo!
14. Pendejo Creyente: Cree en cualquier pendejada.
15. Pendejo Consciente: Sabe que es un pendejo.
16. Pendejo Campe�n: Nadie le gana a hacer pendejadas.
17. Pendejo Pedigree: Desciende de pendejos campeones.
18. Pendejo Alegre: Se r�e de cualquier pendejada.
19. Pendejo Introvertido: A nadie le cuenta sus pendejadas.
19b. Pendejo Extrovertido: Goza contando sus pendejadas
20. Pendejo Enamorado: Le gusta cualquier pendeja.
21. Pendejo L�der: Le siguen todos los pendejos.
22. Pendejo In�til: Ni las pendejadas las hace bien.
23. Pendejo Valiente: Se rompe la madre por cualquier pendejada.
24. Pendejo Calvo: Cree que no tiene ni un pelo de pendejo.
25. Pendejo Clandestino: Se esconde para hacer sus pendejadas.
26. Pendejo Ambicioso: Sue�a con ser un buen pendejo.
27. Pendejo Convicto: Est� preso por pendejo.
28. Pendejo Hiperactivo: Hace las pendejadas una tras otra.
29. Pendejo Fil�sofo: Se pregunta el porqu� de sus pendejadas.
30. Pendejo Pol�glota: Dice pendejadas en varios idiomas.
31. Pendejo Xerox: Se copia las pendejadas de los dem�s.
32. Pendejo Esperanzado: Cree que se le va a quitar lo pendejo.
33. Pendejo Ignorante: Todos saben que es pendejo, menos �l.
34. Pendejo A�ejo: Entre m�s viejo, m�s pendejo.
35. Pendejo Radioactivo de baja potencia: Irradia su pendej�z por doquier.
35a: Pendejo Radioactivo de alta potencia: Es aquel que todo lo que toca, se lo lleva la chingada.
36. Pendejo Insistente: Hace la misma pendejada varias veces.
37. Pendejo Vigoroso: No se cansa de hacer pendejadas.
38. Pendejo Ecol�gico: Es pendejo por naturaleza.
39. Pendejo Precavido: Es pendejo por s� acaso.
40. Pendejo Multifac�tico: El que cabe en dos o m�s clasificaciones.
41. Pendejo Desconocido: Aqu�l cuyo nombre no puede uno recordar. �C�mo se llama ese pendejo?’.
42. Pendejo de Referencia: El que se usa para indicar o se�alar un sitio. “Est� all�, junto a aquel pendejo”.
43. Pendejo Gay: El que por pendejo se hizo joto.
44. Pendejo Apestoso: Se le huele lo pendejo a leguas.
45. Pendejo Mil Usos: Hace pendejadas en cualquier actividad que desempe�e.
46. Pendejo Magisterial: Le ense�a a los dem�s a hacer pendejadas.
47. Pendejo Estudioso: Es aqu�l que para superarse, estudia las pendejadas de los dem�s.
48. Pendejo Religioso: Le reza a Dios para que lo haga m�s pendejo.
49. Pendejo Hipocondr�aco: Se enferma de sus propias pendejadas.
50. Pendejo Lento: Necesita m�s tiempo para hacer bien sus pendejadas.
51. Pendejo Ahorrativo: Se guarda sus pendejadas para cuando m�s las necesite.
52. Pendejo Despilfarrador: Hace pendejadas de m�s.
53. Pendejo Bur�crata: Solo hace pendejadas de 9 a 6 y de lunes a viernes.
54. Pendejo Ultra-Bur�crata: Igual al anterior, pero este se abstiene en los “coffee breaks”.
55. Pendejo Eg�latra: No hace m�s que hablar de sus pendejadas.
56. Pendejo Presumido: Anda contando a todos sus pendejadas.
57. Pendejo Investigador: Prueba experimentalmente sus pendejadas.
Flying Fruit
There are three guys on a plane, George Bush, Bill Clinton, and Saddam Hussein.
Bored, George Bush blurts out, “I want to see an apple fly,” so he throws one out the window and it flew.
A while later Bill Clinton says, “I want to see an orange fly,” so he throws one out the window and it flew.
A little while longer, Saddam Hussein says, “Well, I want to see a grenade fly,” so he throws one out the window and it flew.
The plane lands and the three guys are walking down a market street when they come across an old woman crying and rubbing her head.
“Whats the matter?” they ask her.
“I was sitting here tending to my shop when an apple flew from the sky and hit me on the head.”
A bit embarrassed, they continue walking down the street.
A while later they come across a man crying and cursing at the sky. “What’s the matter?” they ask him.
“I was sitting here minding my own buisness when an orange came out of the sky and hit me on the head.”
A bit concerned, they continue down the road until they come across a little boy laughing very hard.
“What’s so funny?” they ask the little boy.
The little boy leans in close and whispers, “I farted, and the house behind me blew up.”
Submitted by Mindy0206
Edited by yisman
JOKE…
JOKE
WHAT DO YOU CALL A BLIND DINISOURE???
ANSWER
DO THINK HE SAW US!!!!
You Will Forget In The Morning
A doctor comes out to a man who’s been waiting over an hour to
hear his check-up results and say to the man, “I’ve got some
good news and some bad news for you sir !” The man hesitated a
little and asked for the bad news first, The doctor repled, “I’m
afraid you only have two weeks to live!”
The man cried out, “What! Oh my God! What could possibly be good
news after that?” The doctor looked at him and smiled saying,
“The good news is that you have alzheimers disease too, so
you’ll probably forget in the morning!”
Sticks and Tables
What do you get when a stick and a table have sex?
A Wooden Table
Police arrested Patrick Lawrence, a
Police arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22-year-old white male, resident of
Dacula, GA, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38 p.m. on Friday. Lawrence will be
charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public
intoxication at the Gwinnett County courthouse on Monday.
The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch he decided to
stop. “You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one
around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn’t,” he stated in a
phone interview. Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of
the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his
purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged “need.”
“I guess I was just really into it, you know? “he commented with evident
embarrassment. In the process, Lawrence apparently failed to notice a
Gwinnett County police car approaching and was unaware of his audience
until officer Brenda Taylor approached him.
“It was an unusual situation, that’s for sure,” said officer Taylor. “I
walked up to (Lawrence) and he’s…just working away at this pumpkin.”
Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence. “I
just went up and said, “Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are
screwing a pumpkin?
“He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then looked
me straight in the face and said…………….
“A pumpkin? Damn…is it midnight already?”