10. Reach in and grab the giblets!
9. Whew…..that’s one terrific spread!
8. I’m in the mood for a little dark meat.
7. Tying the legs together will keep the inside moist.
6. Talk about a huge breast!
5. “And he forces his way into the end zone”
4. She’s 5000 pounds fully inflated and it takes 15 minutes to hold her down.
3. It’s cool whip time!!
2. If I don’t unbuckle my pants, I’m going to burst.
1. It must be broken ’cause when I push on the top, nothing squirts out.
Author: admin
Space
Once upon a time NASA decided to send three astronauts to space for two years.
One was American, One was Russian and the other was English.
NASA allowed each of them to take 200 pounds of baggage each.
The American decided to take along his wife, the Englishman decided to take along books to learn how to speak German, and the Russian decided to take along cigarettes.
Two years later, when the space shuttle landed, there was a big crowd waiting to welcome them home.
First came the American and his wife and each of them had a baby in their arms.
Next came the Englishman speaking fluent German. They both gave their speeches and got a rousing round of applause.
Suddenly, out came the Russian with a cigarette in his mouth. He walked up to the podium, snarled at the crowd, and asked “Has anyone got a match?”
Dicen que Dios cre� al
Dicen que Dios cre� al burro y le dijo:
“Ser�s burro, trabajar�s de sol a sol, cargar�s sobre tu lomo lo que te pongan, y vivir�s 30 a�os”.
“Se�or, ser� y har� lo que t� quieras, pero… �30 a�os es mucho tiempo! �Por qu� no mejor 10 a�os?”, demanda el burro.
Y Dios complaci� al burro.
Despu�s, Dios cre� al perro y le dijo:
“Ser�s perro, cuidar�s de la casa de los hombres, comer�s lo que te den, y vivir�s 25 a�os”.
“Se�or, ser� y har� lo que me pidas, pero… �25 a�os es mucho tiempo! �Por qu� no mejor 10 a�os?”, solicita el perro.
Y Dios complaci� al perro.
Luego Dios cre� al mono y le dijo:
“Ser�s mono, saltar�s de �rbol en �rbol, har�s payasadas para divertir a los dem�s, y vivir�s 15 a�os”.
“Se�or, ser� y har� todo lo que me pidas, pero… �15 a�os es mucho tiempo! �Por qu� no mejor 10 a�os?”, suplica el mono.
Y Dios complaci� al mono.
Y finalmente, Dios cre� al hombre y le dijo:
“Ser�s hombre, el animal m�s inteligente de la Tierra. Dominar�s el mundo y vivir�s 30 a�os”.
“Se�or, ser� todo lo que me pidas, pero… �30 a�os es poco tiempo! �Por qu� no me das los 20 que no quiso el burro, los 15 que no quiso el perro, y los 5 que no quiso el mono?”.
Y Dios complaci� al hombre.
Y as� es que el hombre vive 30 a�os como hombre. Luego se casa y vive 20 como un burro, trabajando de sol a sol y cargando sobre su espalda el peso de la familia. Luego se jubila y vive 15 a�os como un perro, cuidando la casa y comiendo lo que le dan, y los �ltimos 5 a�os de su vida los vive como un mono, saltando de casa en casa de los hijos, y haciendo payasadas para divertir a los nietos.
Un borracho est� frente al
Un borracho est� frente al palacio presidencial gritando:
“�EL PRESIDENTE ES UN PENDEJO, EL PRESIDENTE ES UN PENDEJO!”
R�pidamente, aparecen dos guaruras y le empiezan a dar de golpes por todos lados, y se lo llevan a rastras.
El pobre borracho empieza a implorarles:
“�Pero si me refer�a al presidente de Estados Unidos!”
Y un guarura le contesta:
“�No trates de confundirnos, cabr�n! �Nosotros sabemos cual es el pendejo!”
Spelling
If GH stands for P as in Hiccough
If OUGH stands for O as in Dough
If PHTH stands for T as in Phthisis
If EIGH stands for A as in Neighbor
If TTE stands for T as in Gazette
If EAU stands for O as in Plateau
The right way to spell POTATO should be GHOUGHPHTHEIGHTTEEAU!
Before and After in Marriage
Before – You take my breath away.
After – I feel like I’m suffocating.
Before – She loves the way I take control of a Situation.
After – She called me a controlling, manipulative, egomaniac.
Before – Ricky & Lucy.
After – Fred & Ethel.
Before – Saturday Night Live.
After – Monday Night Football.
Before – He makes me feel like a million dollars.
After – If I had a dime for every stupid thing he’s done…
Before – Is that all you are eating?
After – Maybe you should just have a salad, honey.
Before – Wheel of Fortune.
After – Jeopardy.
Before – It’s like living a dream.
After – It’s a nightmare.
Before – Turbocharged.
After – Needs a jump-start
Before – We agree on everything!
After – Doesn’t she have a mind of her own?
Before – Idol.
After – Idle.
Before – He’s lost without me.
After – Why can’t he ask for directions?
Before – When together, time stands still.
After – This relationship is going nowhere.
Before – Oysters.
After – Fishsticks.
Before – I can hardly believe we found each other.
After – How did I end up with someone like you?
Bermuda triangle
Q: What do blondes and the Bermuda triangle have in common?
A: They have both swallowed a lot of seamen.
Submitted by curtis
Edited by calamjo
F*ck sayings
Famous sayings involving ‘fuck’.
Mayor of Hiroshima
“What the fuck was that?”
General Custer
“Where did all these fucking Indians come from?”
Captain of the Titanic
“Where the fuck is all this water coming from?”
John Lennon
“That’s not a real fucking gun.”
Richard Nixon
“Who’s gonna fucking find out?”
Anne Boleyn
“Heads are going to fucking roll.”
Commander of Challenger
“Let the fucking woman drive.”
Albert Einstein
“Any fucking idiot knows that.”
Picasso
“It does so fucking look like her!”
Pythagoras
“How the fuck did you work that out?”
Michaelangelo
“You want what on the fucking ceiling?”
Walt Disney
“Fuck a duck.”
Edmund Hilary
“Why?- Because its fucking there!”
Joan of Arc
“I don’t suppose its gonna fucking rain?”
Noah
“Scattered fucking showers my ass.”
John F. Kennedy-
“I need a parade like I need a fucking hole in my head.”
Women and police cars have in common
Q. What do women and police cars have in common?
A. They both make a lot of noise to let you know they are coming.
Turmoil In Heaven
Turmoil rocked Heaven this morning as allegations arose that God had had an affair with a former worshiper.
The scandal was begun when a 21 year old woman, known only as Mary, claimed that she had given birth to God’s “only son” last week in a barn in the hamlet of Bethlehem.
Sources close to Mary claim that she “had loved God for a long time,” that she was constantly talking about her relationship with God, and that she was “thrilled to have had his child.”
In a press conference this morning, God issued a vehement denial, saying that “No sexual relationship existed” and that “the facts of this story will come out in time, verily.”
Independent counsel Kenneth Beazulbub immediately filed a brief with the Justice department to expand his investigation to cover questions of whether any commandments may have been broken, and whether God had illegally funneled laundered money to his illegitimate child through three foreign operatives identified only as the “Wise Men”.
Beazulbub has issued subpoenas to several angels who are rumored to have acted as go-betweens in the affair.
Critics have pointed out that these allegations have little to do with the charges that Beazulbub was originally appointed to investigate, that God had created large-scale flooding in order to cover up evidence of a failed land deal.
In recent months, Beazulbub’s investigation has already been expanded to cover questions surrounding the large number of locusts that plagued God’s political opponents in the last election, as well as to claims that the giveaway of a parcel of public land in Promised County to a Jewish special interest group was quid pro quo for political contributions.
Some journalists have speculated that the destruction of the cities of Sodom and Gommorah may have been to divert attention away from God’s political problems. If these allegations prove to be true, this could be a huge blow to God’s career, much of which has been spent crusading for stricter moral standards and harsher punishments for wrongdoers.
Known for his fiery oratory, God has sometimes been criticized for his political theatrics, as when he introduced the bill he styled “The Ten Commandments” by appearing as a burning bush on the Senate floor.
Regardless of the outcome of the investigation, however, it is unlikely that a sitting God can be removed from power. Most legal scholars are in agreement that indicting God would constitute taking His name in vain.
Hunting with the Missus
It was Saturday morning as Jake, an avid hunter, woke up ready to go bag the first deer of the season. He walks down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise he finds his wife, Alice, sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage.
Jake asks her: “What are you up to?”
Alice smiles: “I’m going hunting with you!”
Jake, though he had many reservations about this, reluctantly decides to take her along. Later they arrive at the hunting site. Jake sets his wife safely up in the tree stand and tells her: “If you see a deer, take careful aim on it and I’ll come running back as soon as I hear the shot”.
Jake walks away with a smile on his face knowing that Alice couldn’t bag an elephant–much less a deer. Not 10 minutes pass when he is startled as he hears an array of gunshots.
Quickly, Jake starts running back. As Jake gets closer to her stand, he hears Alice screaming: “Get away from my deer!”
Confused, Jake races faster towards his screaming wife. And again he hears her yell: “Get away from my deer!” followed by another volley of gunfire.
Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Jake is surprised to see a cowboy, with his hands high in the air.
The cowboy, obviously distraught, says: “Okay, lady, okay!!!! You can have your deer!!! Just let me get my saddle off it!”
Eighty percent of all people
Eighty percent of all people consider themselves to be above average.