Two guys were traveling through the upper mid-west one February when it started to snow. Being guys, of course they pressed on even when road conditions were totally white-out, and they ended up in a ditch. Try as they might, they couldn’t get the car un-stuck. One of the travelers spotted a light on the hill next to the road and said, ‘That looks like a farm up there, lets go up and see if we can get out of this blizzard.’ The other guy agrees and up the hill they go. When they got to the farm they found the occupant was a real nice lady and they asked if they can stay in the barn until the storm blows over, and they can dig their car out. The lady invites them in and makes them some hot coffee, as clearly they’re very chilled.. During the conversation over the warm brew, they learn that she is a widow, living alone.After several cups of coffee, she announces that she sees no reason for such nice guys to sleep in the barn when she has this big empty comfortable 4 bedroom house and it won’t be necessary for them to stay in the barn as there is plenty of room in the house.After some more pleasant conversation everyone turns in. The next morning the roads are clear and after a nice big breakfast the two guys thank the widow for her hospitality and depart. About nine months later one of the guys receives a registered letter from a law firm in the state where they met the widow. He calls his buddy and asks, ‘Do you remember the night we stayed with that lady during the big blizzard?’ ‘Sure,’ his buddy replied. ‘Why?’ ‘Did you sneak into her room, make love and give her my name as yours?’ ‘Well yes,’ his friend said, ‘but you are single and sleeping around and I’m married, so I thought that you’d understand and not mind.’Naw, thats fine,’ his buddy replied. ‘Just wanted you to know she died and left me her farm.’
Author: admin
Bono & hitchhikers
Bono is known as charitable but he’s cautious too. I mean, he’ll pick up hitchhikers then make them ride in the trunk.
The Top 13 Rejected Global Disaster Movie Premises
13. “Mitzi the Kitten Goes Postal”
12. “Armageddon ’98” — A giant chunk of Bill Gates’s wallet breaks loose and threatens to destroy the earth!
11. “Starring Kevin Costner!”
10. A gigantic bolt of inter-stellar chintz hurtles toward to earth threatening to drape the entire planet in *last* year’s color.
9. “Coffee Shortage!”
8. Mysterious geological forces speed up the Earth’s rotation, flinging everybody off into space — except a group of research scientists in Antarctica, who just get incredibly dizzy.
7. “Acnephobia” — Where will the next one pop up?!
6. “Starbuck Wars” — Luke Warmwater uses the Dark Roast to save the galaxy from over-priced espresso
5. “Flat Grape Fanta!”
4. “Parmageddon” — Desperate chefs race to prepare a mammoth bowl of pasta to thwart a mile-wide cheese boulder hurtling toward Earth.
3. “The Day the List Stood Still”
2. “Killer Bugs” — Handsome computer programmers endure 12 hour work days, risking Carpel Tunnel Syndrome, to save Earth (and a group of buxom supermodels) from deadly bugs from Galaxy Y2K.
1. Fran Drescher in: “Megaphone!”
Blonde Ambition:…
Blonde Ambition:
- Percentage of American women born blonde: 16.
- Percentage of women who have blonde hair today: 33.
- Percentage of TV newscasters who are blonde: 64.
- Percentage of Miss Americas who are blonde: 65.
- Percentage of Playboy Playmates who are blonde: 73.
– Playboy
With a new elderly patient
While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I
asked, “How long since you have been bedridden?” After a look of complete
confusion she answered, “Why, not for about twenty years . . . when my husband
was still alive.”
Things You’d Love to Say at Work!
Things You�d Love to Say at Work!
1. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be���..?
2. Do I look like a people person?
3. This isn�t an office. It�s Hell with fluorescent lighting!
4. I started out with nothing and still have most of it left.
5. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
6. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
7. You!��..Off my planet.
8. Does your train of thought have a caboose?
9. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
10. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
11. A PBS mind in an MTV world.
12. Allow me to introduce my selves.
13. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
14. I�m trying to imagine you with a personality.
15. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
16. Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven�t fallen asleep yet.
17. Can I trade this job for what�s behind door #1?
18. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
19. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
20. Chaos, Panic, and Disorder ��.. My work here is done.
21. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
22. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
The Fruits of Technology – 1
An Orange has more power than your new Macintosh.
– Alex Gill
Warning Signs that you Might Need a Different Lawy
He tells you that his last good case was a Budweiser.
When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each other.
He picks the jury by playing “duck-duck-goose.”
He tells you that he has never told a lie.
A big sign in his office says: “Don’t ask me.”
A prison guard is shaving your head.
Describing your wife’s . . .
A married man thought he would give his wife a birthday surprise by buying her a bra. He entered a ladies shop rather intimidated, but the girls took charge to help him. ”What color?” they asked. He settled for white. ”How much does it cost?” he asked. ”Twenty dollars.” ”Very good,” he thought. All that remained was the size, but he hadn’t the faintest idea. ”Now sir, are they the size a pair of melons? Coconuts? Grape fruits? Oranges?” ”No,” he said, ”nothing like that.” ”Come on, sir, think. There must be something your wife’s bust resembles.” He thought long and hard and then looked up and said, ”Have you ever seen a Spaniel’s ears?”
2 plus 2
A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked “How much is 2 plus 2?”
The housewife replies: “Four!”
The accountant says: “I think it’s either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures
through my spreadsheet one more time.”
The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a hushed voice, “How
much do you want it to be?”
Dad’s Fat!!
This little boy wakes up 3 nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound
coming from his parent�s room. Finally one morning he goes to his mom and says,
“Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noises and when I look in your
bedroom you’re bouncing up and down on him.”
His mom is taken by surprise and says, “Oh… well…ah…. well I’m bouncing
on his stomach because he’s fat and that makes him thin again.”
And the boy says, “Well, that won’t work!”
His mom says, “Why?”
And the boy replies, “Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each
day and blows him back up!”
How to Avoid Bubba
First Lady Hillary Clinton and Attorney General Janet Reno were having one of
those girl-to-girl talks, and Hillary says to Janet, “You’re lucky that you
don’t have to put up with men having sex with you. I have to put up with Bill,
and there is no telling where he last had his pecker.”
Janet responded, “Just because I am esthetically challenged (that’s
“politically correct” for ugly) doesn’t mean I don’t have to fight off unwelcome
sexual advances�.
Hillary asks, “Well, how do you deal with the problem?”
Janet, “Whenever I feel that a guy is getting ready to make a pass at me, I
muster all my might and squeeze out the loudest, nastiest fart that I can.”
That night, Bill was already in bed with the lights out when Hillary slips
into bed. She could hear him start to stir, and knew that he would be want some
action. She had been saving her farts all day, and was ready for him.
She tenses up her butt cheeks and forces out the most disgusting sounding fart
you could imagine.
Bill rolls over and says, “Janet, is that you?”