(To the tune of “A Few Of My Favorite Things”
from the Sound of Music) Blow jobs and land deals in backwater places,
Big Macs and French fries and girls with big faces,
Lots of nice cleavage that makes Willie spring,
These are a few of my favorite things. Susan McDougal and Gennifer Flowers,
Horny young interns who while ‘way the hours,
Profits from futures that Hillary brings,
These are a few of my favorite things. Beating the draft board and getting
elected,
Naming to judgeships some hacks I’ve selected,
Conspiracy theories that blame the right wing,
These are a few of my favorite things. Golfing with Vernon and suborning
perjury,
Coming out fine after having knee surgery,
Stars in the White House who come here to sing,
These are a few of my favorite things. Meeting with Boris and Helmut and
Tony,
States of the Union with lots of baloney,
Winning debates and the joy of my flings,
These are a few of my favorite things. When that Jones bites,
When Ken Starr stings,
When I’m feeling sad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don’t feel so bad.
Author: admin
If the President were a
If the President were a woman, this scandal never would have happened,
because women always keep a box of kleenex on their desks.
– Patrice North-Rudin
Yo Mama at the Movies
Yo’ mama is so fat, when she goes to the movies, they open up a
seperate snack bar just for her.
POLITICS EXPLAINED
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, “what is politics?”
dad says, “well son, let me try to explain it this way: i’m the breadwinner of
the family, so let’s call me capitalism. your mom, she’s the administrator of
the money, so we’ll call her the government. we’re here to take care of your
needs, so we’ll call you the people. the nanny, we’ll consider her the working
class. and your baby brother, we’ll call him the future. now, think about that
and see if that makes sense.”
so the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad has said. later that
night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. he finds
that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. so the little boy goes to his
parents’ room and finds his mother sound asleep. not wanting to wake her, he
goes to the nanny’s room. finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and
sees his father in bed with the nanny. he gives up and goes back to bed.
the next morning, the little boy says to his father, “dad, i think i
understand the concept of politics now.”
the father says, “good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics
is all about.”
the little boy replies, “well, while capitalism is screwing the working class,
the government is sound asleep, the people are being ignored and the future is
in deep s***.”
More Than Murphy�s Law
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.
–Lorenz’s Law of Mechanical Repair
Identical parts aren’t.
–Beach’s Law
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
–Anthony’s Law of the Workshop
Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come.
— Tussman’s Law
If it jams, forces it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.
–Lowery’s Law
The solution to a problem changes the problem.
–Peer’s Law
There is no mechanical problem so difficult that it cannot be solved by brute
strength and ignorance.
–William’s Law
Machines should work. People should think.
–IBM’s Pollyanna Principle
The most ineffective workers shall be moved systematically to the place where
they can do the least damage.
–The Dilbert Principle
The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts.
–Ehrlich’s Law
It is a mistake to allow any mechanical object to realize that you are in a
hurry.
–Ralph’s Observation
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the
next morning you will have a flat tire.
— Cannon’s Comment
The newer the carpet the greater the likelihood that the bread will land jelly
side down.
— Law of inevitable consequences.
Living Large
One Saturday afternoon, a man was sitting in his lawn chair drinking beer and watching his wife mow the lawn.
A neighbor lady was so outraged at this, she came over and shouted at the man, “You should be hung!”
To which he calmly replied, “I am. That’s why she cuts the grass!”
Redneck quickies 29
You might be a redneck if…
You’ve been to the emergency room more than 3 times for mashing the wrong end of a thumb tack.
The number of times you’ve seen either Elvis or a UFO exceeds your I.Q.
Any of your neighbors has ever spent Halloween night at the bottom of a hole because you moved their outhouse back about four feet.
You’ve ever lost a dog to a bush hog.
You’ve ever been arrested for a DUI on a riding lawn mower.
You keep your teeth and your goldfish in the same glass.
On average, one out of every thirty words you use can be found in a dictionary.
You think Motorola is a fancy name for a car part.
You give your girlfriend long-thorned roses hoping she won’t ask for them again.
You borrow your wedding flowers from Wal-Mart.
You think Hamlet is on the McDonald’s breakfast menu.
Your kids are going hungry tonight because you had to see your maw run her car at the dirt track race.
Your dad says, “Let’s hit the road for dinner,” and then grabs a shovel.
You ever called your sister “Mom” and didn’t have to correct yourself.
The directions to your bathroom include, “Go past the big oak and hang a left at the woodshed.”
You’re in bed with your wife and you call out a name you gave to a coon you killed.
You’ve ever been arrested for where you got your girlfriend roses.
Your old car is now considered the main storage unit.
Every magazine on your coffee table has a piece of toilet paper for a bookmark.
Charlie Daniels is your commencement speaker.
Un motorista de la Guardia
Un motorista de la Guardia Civil para un coche que circula a gran velocidad:
“Buenos d�as, �se ha dado cuenta que iba usted a m�s de 180?”
“Lo siento, pero es que estoy muy borracho y no me fijo en las se�ales”.
“�Me permite su carnet de conducir?”
“No va a poder ser, me lo retiraron por atropellar dos ancianas”.
“�Los papeles del coche?”
“Es que no es m�o, lo acabo de robar”.
“Mire en la guantera, quiz�s est�n ah�”.
“�Imposible, los habr�a visto cuando puse la pistola!”
“�Qu� pistola?”
“Hombre, la pistola con la que mat� a la ni�a que llevo en el maletero…”
El guardia civil, asustado, retrocede hacia su moto y por la radio pide refuerzos. Inmediatamente se presentan varios coches de la Guardia Civil y rodean al infractor.
El comandante se acerca al conductor:
“Buenos d�as, �me permite su permiso de circulaci�n?”
“No faltaba m�s, aqu� tiene usted”.
“�Los papeles del veh�culo?”
“Por supuesto, tenga usted”.
“Ahora, con mucho cuidado… �Podr�a abrir la guantera?”
“Claro”. (Abre y se ve la guantera vac�a).
“Ahora, �brame el maletero. (El conductor abre y… �El maletero est� vac�o!)
“Perdone, pero no entiendo nada, hemos venido urgentemente porque nos hab�an dicho que estaba usted borracho, que conduc�a sin carnet, que el veh�culo era robado y sin papeles, que llevaba una pistola en la guantera, un cad�ver en el maletero…
El conductor, interrumpi�ndole, lanza:
“�No me diga m�s, seguro que tambi�n le han dicho que conduc�a con exceso de velocidad! �Verdad?”
Why Worry?
The next door neighbor of a middle-aged wife came over to inform her that her retired husband was chasing around after young prostitutes.
The woman smiled, “So what?”
The neighbor was surprised, “It doesn’t bother you that he’s running around with those women?”
The woman replied, “I also have a little dog who chases cars and buses, too.”
Fat girl
A guy goes up to this girl in a bar and says, “Would you like to dance?”
The girl says, “I don’t like this song, but even if I did, I wouldn’t dance
with you�.
The guy says, “I’m sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat
in those pants�.
Blonde at the Doctor’s Office
This blonde goes to the doctor complaining of headaches.
Noticing she hasn’t taken off her headphones at all during the
exam, he suggests they may be the cause of her headaches. He
tells her to take them off. “Oh, no. I just couldn’t,” she says,
“without them, I’d surely die.” “Oh, come now,” the doctor says,
“let me help you.” And he pulls them off her head. Sure enough,
moments later, she is dead on the floor. Curious, he picks up
the headphones and hears, “Breathe in…breathe out…breathe
in…breathe out…”
Viagra quickies 2
A man at the pharmacy to pick up his Viagra prescription exclaimed over the $10/pill price. His wife, who was with him, had a different opinion: “Oh, $40 a year isn’t too bad.”
Then there was the man who got his Viagra tablet stuck in his throat and suffered from a stiff neck.
Have you tried the new hot beverage, Viagraccino? One cup and you’re up all night.
How many doses of Viagra does it take to change a light bulb? One little tablet, and it’s a whole new bulb.
Men are being warned not to take Viagra with nitrates after five gentlemen in India did so and changed the balance of power in the region.
The Viagra computer virus turns your floppy disk into a hard drive. The Viagra Super virus then sucks all your data off the hard drive.
If you’re depressed and think you might need Viagra, see a professional. If that doesn’t work, see a doctor!
A guy named Dave emailed us that he left his Viagra tablet in his shirt pocket when he sent it to the laundry. Now, his shirt is too stiff to wear.
We received the report today that it is no longer necessary to stake tomatoes. Just dissolve a Viagra tablet in the water and they stand up straight and tall.
Viagra is now being compared to Disneyland – a one-hour wait for a 2-minute ride.