Author: admin

1 day Johny and his mom were at church and johny said,”Mom, I
feel like i’m gonna throw up.” so his mom says,”Ok sweety, go
out and around to the bushes so no one will c u.”

so a minute later Johny comes back and his mom says,”did u do
it?”
and johny said,”i didn’t have to. on my way out i found a box
that said “for the sick”

Un capataz contrata a dos electricistas para hacer un trabajo, y les dice que tienen que estar trabajando todos los d�as sin falta hasta las cinco de la tarde. Debido al tipo de tarea, s�lo uno de ellos puede estar trabajando en un momento dado, as� que se van turnando para trabajar.

Un d�a uno de los electricistas le dice al otro: “Mira, esto es est�pido, estamos aqu� los dos perdiendo el tiempo porque s�lo uno de nosotros puede estar trabajando. �Qu� te parece si en vez de turnarnos cada hora, uno de nosotros viene por la ma�ana y el otro por la tarde? Adem�s, el capataz nunca esta aqu�, as� que no se enterar�.”

“Me parece una idea genial. Venga, ahora me voy a casa y volver� a mediodia.”

Dicho y hecho, el electricista llega a su casa, abre la puerta, se va al dormitorio, y alli ve al capataz encima de su esposa. Sin hacer ruido, sale silenciosamente de la casa y vuelve al trabajo.

Pero hombre, �qu� haces aqu�? �Todav�a falta mucho para mediod�a!”

“S�, pero lo he pensado mejor y esto es una mala idea, �casi me pilla el capataz!

Estaba un borrach�n afuera de su casa grit�ndole a la puerta:

“�Abracadabra! �Abracadabra!”

En eso, pasa un polic�a y le dice:

“Oiga, se�or, �de veras cree que la puerta se va a abrir dici�ndole abracadabra?”

“�Ach�s! �A poco dije abracadabra? Perd�n, me equivoqu�…”

Y entonces comienza a gritar:

“�Abre, cabrona! �Abre cabrona!”

EARTHQUAKE ROCKS PORT ADELAIDE:

A major earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter Scale hit in the early hours of yesterday morning, with the epicentre in Port Adelaide, SA.

The earthquake decimated the area causing approximately $30 worth of damage.

Several priceless collections of mementos from the Torana Appreciation Society and the Port Adelaide Progress Hall were damaged beyond repair.

Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed.

Many locals were woken well before their welfare cheques arrived. one resident – Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said “It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying.

My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Megan-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was watching Jerry Springer the next morning”.

Apparently though, looting, muggings and car crime carried on as normal.

The Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Vegemite and 70,000 bottles of Home Brew to the area to help the stricken locals.

Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, which include benefit books, Port Power jerseys,
jewellery from Priceline and bone china from Go Lo.

HOW YOU CAN HELP

This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing, parcels for those unfortunate to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought after.

Items most needed include: baseball caps, flannelette shirts, thongs and tracksuits.

Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same.

Required foodstuffs include, Yiros’ , McDonalds, KFC, ice cream and cans of Woodstock Bourbon or Bacardi Breezers.

If you would prefer to donate money, 25c buys a biro for filling in
compensation forms; $5.00 buys chips, battered fish, crisps and fizzy drinks for a family of 9; $10.00 will pay for a packet of Winfield Blues and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.

PLEASE do not send tents for shelter, as the sight of posh housing is unfair on the population of the neighbouring areas

A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him, and as he sits, the bartender asks for their order.

The man says, “I’ll have a beer” and turns to the ostrich. “What’s yours?” “I’ll have a beer too” says the ostrich.
The bartender pours the beer and says “That will be $3.40 please,” and the man reaches into his pocket and pays with the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again, and the man says “I’ll have a beer,” and the ostrich says “I’ll have the same.” Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This became a routine until late one evening, the two enter again. “The usual?” asks the bartender.”Well, it’s close to last call, so I’ll have a large Scotch” says the man. “Same for me” says the ostrich. “That will be $7.20” says the bartender. Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the bar.

The bartender can’t hold back his curiosity any longer. “Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?”

“Well,” says the man, “several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found this old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever needed to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money will be there.”

“That’s brilliant!” says the bartender. “Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you’ll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!”

“That’s right! Whether it’s a gallon of milk, or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,” says the man.
“That’s fantastic!” says the bartender. “You are a genius! … Oh, one other thing sir, what’s with the ostrich?”

The man replies, “Oh, my second wish was for a chick with long legs.”

After having been commissioned by God to take a survey of how man was doing on Earth, St.Peter now stood before his boss ready to present his findings.
“Tell me, St. Peter, what have you found out?” God asked. “I’m very sorry to have to tell you this, but the people are behaving in a sinful manner. There’s drugs, alcohol, murders, you name it – a regular Sodom and Gomorra. But the worst is this new obsession with oral sex. According to my survey, 88% of the population is doing it. Even four out of five dentists recommend it. I’m afraid it has reached epidemic proportions.”

“Hmmm,” God said thoughtfully, “Do you have any recommendations as to what should be done to put an end to this sexual perversion?”

“I think we should send a message to everyone on Earth who engages in oral sex. The contents of that message should tell them exactly what will happen to them on judgment day if they do not stop this type of activity.” replied St. Peter.

“That is an effective solution,” God stated, “but I think that instead of punishing those who practice oral sex, we should reward those who = refrain from it. Let’s send a letter that’s personally signed by me to each one of these good people.” And so they did. Do you know what the letter said?

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No? (scroll down a little more)

Hmmm…You didn’t get the letter either, huh?