I was wondering… How does this make Martha Stewart feel?
O.J. goes free. Robert Blake walks. Michael Jackson is found not guilty.
She made a phone call. ‘Hello, is this my broker?’ Prison!
-Jay Leno
Author: admin
The more I miss it,
The more I miss it, the meaner I get!!
Ending It All
An 83-year old woman decided that she’d seen and done everything, and the time had come to depart from this world. After considering various methods of doing away with herself, she came to the conclusion that the quickest and surest method would be to shoot herself through the heart. The trouble was, she wasn’t certain about exactly where her heart was, so she phoned her doctor and asked him. He told her that her heart was located two inches below her left nipple. So she shot herself in the left kneecap.
Bill Gates In Hell
Bill Gates dies and goes to Hell. Satan greets him and says, “Welcome Mr. Gates, we’ve been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You’ve been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since you’ve got me in a good mood, I’ll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you’ll be locked up forever.”Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions. Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a bottle of fine wine sitting on a table. To Bill’s delight, he sees a PC in the corner.Without hesitation, Bill says “I’ll take this option.””Fine,” says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room.Satan locks the room after Bill. As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer.”That was Bill Gates!” cried Lucifer. “Why did you give him the best place of all?!?””That’s what everyone thinks,” snickered Satan. “But the bottle has a hole in it!””Why the PC?”, he continued, “”It’s got the latest version of Windows and it’s missing three keys!””Which three?” said Lucifer.”Control, Alt and Delete!”
DUMB JOKES
Your mom is so dumb she was hit with a cup and called the cops and said she got mugged.
Your mom is so dumb she got beat up on the fourth of July.
Your mom is so dumb she thought Christmas was a holiday.
Your mom is so dumb she tried to commit suicide by jumping of a curb.
Your mom is so dumb someone threw a cup at her and she said she got mugged.
Your mom is so dumb she fondled my nutsack with her tongue and tickled my asshole till i blew my load in her face.
12 Days of Christmas sent from Mexico
On the first day of Christmas my true love sent to me
A Marachi band playing just for me.
On the second day of Christmas my true love sent to me,
2 pounds of tortilla chips.
A Marachi band playing just for me.
On the third day of Christmas my true love sent to me,
3 Habenero Peppers (oh hot!)
2 pounds of tortilla chips.
A Marachi band playing just for me.
On the fourth day of Christmas my true love sent to me,
4 bowls of salsa.
3 Habenero Peppers (oh hot!)
2 pounds of tortilla chips.
A Marachi band playing just for me.
On the fifth day of Christmas my true love sent to me,
5 gallons of Mescal.
4 bowls of salsa.
3 Habenero Peppers (oh hot!)
2 pounds of tortilla chips.
A Marachi band playing just for me.
On the sixth day of Christmas my true love sent to me,
6 tiny key limes.
5 gallons of Mescal.
4 bowls of salsa.
3 Habenero Peppers (oh hot!)
2 pounds of tortilla chips.
A Marachi band playing just for me.
On the seventh day of Christmas my true love sent to me ,
7 pints of vanilla.
6 tiny key limes.
5 gallons of Mescal.
4 bowls of salsa.
3 Habenero Peppers (oh hot!)
2 pounds of tortilla chips.
A Marachi band playing just for me.
On the eighth day of Christmas my true love sent to me,
8 Homemade Tamales.
7 pint of vanilla.
6 tiny key limes.
5 gallons of Mescal.
4 bowls of salsa.
3 Habenero Peppers (oh hot!)
2 pounds of tortilla chips.
A Marachi band playing just for me.
On the ninth day of Christmas my true Love sent to me,
9 Cartons of Marlboro.
8 Homemade Tamales.
7 pint of vanilla.
6 tiny key limes.
5 gallons of Mescal.
4 bowls of salsa.
3 Habenero Peppers (oh hot!)
2 pounds of tortilla chips.
A Marachi band playing just for me.
On the tenth day of Christmas my true love sent to me,
10 Ripened Mango’s.
9 Cartons of Marlboro.
8 Homemade Tamales.
7 pint of vanilla.
6 tiny key limes.
5 gallons of Mescal.
4 bowls of salsa.
3 Habenero Peppers (oh hot!)
2 pounds of tortilla chips.
A Marachi band playing just for me.
On the eleventh day of Christmas my true love sent to me,
11 boxes of Chicklets.
10 Ripened Mango’s.
9 Cartons of Marlboro.
8 Homemade Tamales.
7 pint of vanilla.
6 tiny key limes.
5 gallons of Mescal.
4 bowls of salsa.
3 Habenero Peppers (oh hot!)
2 pounds of tortilla chips.
A Marachi band playing just for me.
On the twelfth day of Christmas my true love sent to me,
12 Bottles of Corona.
11 boxes of Chicklets.
10 Ripened Mango’s.
9 Cartons of Marlboro.
8 Homemade Tamales.
7 pint of vanilla.
6 tiny key limes.
5 gallons of Mescal.
4 bowls of salsa.
3 Habenero Peppers (oh hot!)
2 pounds of tortilla chips.
A Marachi band playing just for me.
Ways to confuse a roommate
These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.154. Leave the room at random, knock on the door, and wait for your roommate to let you back in. If he/she asks about it, go on a tangent about the importance of good manners.
Cowboy Wisdom
- If you find yourself in a hole the first thing to do is stop diggin’.
- Never smack a man who’s chewin’ tobacco.
- It don’t take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.
- Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.
- Never follow good whiskey with water, unless you’re out of good whiskey.
- If you get to thinkin’ you’re a person of some influence, try orderin’ somebody else’s dog around.
- Don’t worry about bitin’ off more than you can chew. Your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger’n you think.
- Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
- If you’re ridin’ ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it’s still there.
- When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don’t be surprised if they learn their lesson.
- The best way to have a quiche for dinner is to make it up and put it in the oven to bake at 325 degrees. Meanwhile, get out a large T-bone, grill it, and when it’s done, eat it. As for the quiche, continue to let it bake, but otherwise ignore it.
- There’s two theories to arguin’ with a woman. Neither one works.
- Lettin’ the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier ‘n puttin’ it back.
- Always take a good look at what you’re about to eat. It’s not so important to know what it is, but it’s critical to know what it was.
- The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.
- Never miss a good chance to shutup.
Legendary Proverbs
Passionate kiss like spider’s web, soon lead to undoing of fly.
Virginity like bubble, one prick all gone.
Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright
organ.
Man who walk thru airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Man who scratches ass should not bite fingernails.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Baseball is wrong, man with four balls cannot walk.
Panties not best thing on earth but next to best thing on earth.
War doesn’t determine who is right, war determines who is left.
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
It take many nails to build crib but one screw to fill it.
Man who drive like hell bound to get there.
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who fishes in other man’s well often catches crabs.
Man who farts in church sits in own pew.
Man who drops watch in toilet bound to have crappy time.
Crowded elevator smells different to midget.
“I feel schizophrenic; first he
“I feel schizophrenic; first he says ‘open your mouth,’ then he says ‘keep
it closed.'”
– Monica Lewinski
Knock KnockWho’s there?Louis!Louis?Louis’n up!
Knock KnockWho’s there?Louis!Louis?Louis’n up!
Children’s Proverbs
A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs.
She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb.
Their insight may surprise you.
Better to be safe than…punch a 5th grader.
Never underestimate the power of…termites.
You can lead a horse to water but…how?
Don’t bite the hand that…looks dirty.
No news is… impossible.
A miss is as good as a… Mr.
You can’t teach an old dog new… math.
If you lie down with dogs, you’ll… stink in the morning.
Love all, trust… me.
The pen is mightier than the… pigs.
An idle mind is… the best way to relax.
Where there’s smoke there’s… pollution.
A penny saved is… not much.
Don’t put off till tomorrow what…you put on to go to bed.
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and… you have to blow your nose.
None are so blind as… Stevie Wonder.
Children should be seen and not… spanked or grounded.
If at first you don’t succeed… get new batteries.
You get out of something what you… see pictured on the box.
When the blind leadeth the blind… get out of the way.
Submitted by Curtis
EDited by calamjo