A Guy Walks Into A bar ….
OUCH !!!!!
Author: admin
Miracle Drug
So this lady goes to her doctor and explains that her husband can’t get it up
like he used to and their sex life is suffering. The doctor asks, “Have you
heard of a new drug named Zyban?” The lady says yes, but adds that her husband
refuses to take pills of any kind, and certainly won’t take anything that “will
make him feel like less of a man.” The doctor advises the woman to slip it into
his morning coffee when he isn’t looking. The woman is nervous, but the doctor
insists, “it will change your life within a day,” so she figures she’d better
try it.
A week goes by and the lady shows back up at the doctor’s office and the
doctor asks her how it went. The lady heaves a tremendous sigh and explains, “I
snuck it into his coffee like you said. And, sure enough, within 15 minutes, he
cleared off the table, threw me on it and we had the best sex we’d had in 20
years.” Perplexed, the doctor asks, “What’s wrong with that?” And the lady
shakes her head and says, “I don’t think I�ll be able to show my face at
McDonalds again.”
Elvis’s Last Hit
What was Elvis’s last hit?
The bathroom floor!!!!
Twas the Night Before
‘Twas the Night Before Christmas: Reckneck Version
‘Twas the night before Christmas And all through the trailer
Not a creature was stirrin’ ‘Cept a redneck named Taylor.
His first name was Bubba, Joe was his middle,
And a-runnin’ down his chin Was a trickle of spittle.
His socks, they were hung by the chimney with care,
And therefore there was a foul stench in the air.
That Bubba got scared And rousted the boys.
There was Rufus, 12 Jim Bob was 11
Dud goin’ on 10 Otis was 7.
John, George and Chucky Were 5,4, and 3:
The twins were both girls So they let them be.
They jumped in their overalls, No need for a shirt,
Threw a hat on each head, Then turned with a jerk.
They ran to the gun rack That hung on the wall.
There were 17 shotguns They grabbed them all.
Bubba said to the young’uns, ”Now hesh up ya’ll!
The last thing we wanna do Is wake up yer Maw.”
Maw was expecting And needed her sleep,
So out they crept out the door Without making a peep.
They all looked around, and then they all spit.
The young’uns asked Bubba, ”Paw, what is it?”
Bubba just stared He could not say a word.
This was just like all of The stories he’d heard.
It was Santy Claus on the roof, Darn tootin’
But the boys didn’t know They was about to start shootin’!
They aimed their shotguns and nearly made a mistake
That would have resulted in venison steak.
Bubba hollered out, ”Don’t shoot, boys!”
That’s Santy Claus And he’s brought us some toys.
The dogs were a-barkin’ And a-raisin’ cain,
And Bubba whistled, and shouted, And called them by name.
”Down, Spot! Shut up Bullet! Quiet, Pete and Roscoe!
Git, Turnip and Tater and Sam and Bosco!”
”Git down from that porch! Git down off that wall!
Quit shakin the trailer, Or you’ll make Santy fall!”
The dogs kept a-barkin’ And wouldn’t shut up,
And they trampled poor Pete Who was only a pup.
Santy opened his bag, And threw out some toys.
Bubba got most, But left a few for the boys.
Since the guns had been dropped He just might not die.
He jumped in his sleigh, Told his reindeer to hurry.
The trailer started to wobble Santa started to worry.
Just as the reindeer Got into the air,
The trailer collapsed, But Bubba didn’t care.
He was busy lookin’ At all his new toys.
Then a thought hit him, And he said to the boys:
”Go check on yer Maw, Make sure she’s all right.
That roof fallin’ on her Could-a hurt just a might.”
But Maw was OK, And the girls were too.
They fixed up the trailer It looked good as new.
And as for Bubba, He liked Old St. Nick,
But Santa thought Bubba Was a pure-in-tee hick!
Bubba had a nice Christmas, And the boys did, too.
And the Taylors wish A Merry Christmas to you!
The Undertaker
There were two guys who had gone to the same college and become great friends. During college, they had a great time. Anything that was going on, they were always right in the middle of it. When they graduated, however, they each went their own separate way.
Two or three years later, they ran into one another on the street. They were very happy to see each other and, during the conversation, one of them asked the other what he was doing for work.
“I’m an undertaker,” responded the friend.
“That doesn’t sound like you. During college, you were always the one looking for excitement.”
“There is plenty of excitement in this racket,” said his friend. “Just the other day, I got a call to pick up this stiff in a hotel room. When I entered the room, he was laying there on the bed, stark naked, with a huge erection. I didn’t want to take him out like that, so I took a hanger from the closet, and gave it a good swat…..You want to talk about excitement! I WAS IN THE WRONG ROOM!!!”
I Know Your Secret
At school Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth.”
Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother he says, “I know the whole truth.”
His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don’t tell your father.”
Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I know the whole truth.”
The father promptly hands him $40 and says, “Please don’t say a word to your mother.”
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door.
The boy greets him by saying, “I know the whole truth.”
The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, “Then come give your Daddy a great big hug!”
Men Exercise On the Beach
How do men exercise at the beach?
By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
Two mother in law riddles
Q. Is it possible to kill a mother-in-law with newspaper? A. Yes, if you wrap an iron in it.- – – – – – – – – – -Q. What’s the right planting depth for ‘Mother-in-law’s Tongue’? A. 6 feet.
This would DEFINETLY be a bad day!
how can you tell if a blonde is having a bad day?
if her tampon is behind her ear and she cant find her pen!
Why do blondes drive BMWs?
Q: Why do blondes drive BMWs?
A: Because they can spell it.
3 inch man
A man walks into a bar and says, “Bartender, give me two shots.” Bartender says, “You want them both now or one at a time?” The guy says,” Oh, I want them both now. One’s for me and one’s for this little guy here,” and he pulls a 3 inch man out of his pocket. The bartender asks “He can drink?” “Oh, sure. He can drink.” So the bartender pours the shots and sure enough, the little guy drinks it all up. “That’s amazing” says the bartender. “What else can he do, can he walk?” The man flicks a quarter down to the end of the bar and says, “Hey, Jake. Go get that.” The little guy runs down to the end of the bar and picks up the quarter. Then he runs back down and gives it to the man. The bartender is in total shock. “That’s amazing” he says, “what else can he do? Does he talk?” The man says “Sure he talks, hey, Jake, tell him about that time we were in Africa hunting and you called that witch doctor a Nigger!”
Movies simplified
Movies simplified15. ‘Pretty Woman’ — ‘I Will Marry a Prostitute to Save Money’14. ‘Face/Off’ — ‘Who Is Face Belonging To? I Kill You Again, Harder!’13. ‘Leaving Las Vegas’ — ‘I’m Drunk And You’re a Prostitute’12. ‘Interview With The Vampire’ — ‘So, You Are a Lawyer?’11. ‘The Piano’ — ‘Ungrateful Adulteress! I Chop Off Your Finger!’10. ‘My Best Friend’s Wedding’ — ‘Help! My Pretend Boyfriend Is Gay!’9. ‘George of the Jungle’ — ‘Big Dumb Monkey-Man Keeps Whacking Tree With Genitals’8. ‘Scent of a Woman’ — ‘Great Buddha! I Can Smell You From Afar! Take a Bath, Will You?!’7. ‘Love, Valour, Compassion!’ — ‘I Am That Guy From Seinfeld So It’s Acceptable for Straight People to Enjoy This Gay Movie’6. ‘Babe’ — ‘The Happy Dumpling-to-be Who Talks And Solves Agricultural Problems’5. ‘Twister’ — ‘Run! Ruuunnnn! Cloudzillaaaaa!’4. ‘Field of Dreams’ — ‘Imaginary Dead Baseball Players Live in My Cornfield’3. ‘Barb Wire’ — ‘Delicate Orbs of Womanhood Bigger Than Your Head Can Hurt You’2. ‘Batman & Robin’ — ‘Come to My Cave and Wear This Rubber Codpiece, Cute Boy’1. ‘The Crying Game’ — ‘Oh No! My Girlfriend Has a Penis!’