Q: Why did Captain Hook die? A: Because he wiped his ass.
Author: admin
Are You Dead
An elderly couple are both lying in bed one morning, having just awaken from a good nights sleep.He takes her hand and she responds, “Don’t touch me.””Why not,” he asks. She answers back, “Because I’m dead.”The husband says to her, “What are you talking about? We’re both lying here in bed together and talking to one another.”The wife says, “No, I’m definitely dead.”Her husband insists, “You’re not dead. What in the world makes you think you’re dead?”His wife answers, “I know I’m dead, because I woke up this morning and nothing hurts!”
Coyotes
This woman is driving into a small town and slams on the
brakes as a coyote runs across the road in front of her. Just
as she regains her wits and gets ready to proceed, a cowboy
runs right in front of her and catches the coyote by the hind
legs and starts screwing it. “Oh my God!” she exclaims and
drives into town to find the local law.
She sees the local sheriff’s car parked in front of the town
bar. “It figures,” she says as she storms inside. The first
thing she notices is an old, old man with a long white beard
sitting in the corner jacking-off. She runs up to the sheriff
who’s sitting at the bar with his drink.
“What kind of sick town are you running here?! I drive into
town and almost run over some cowboy sodomizing an animal…
and then… I come in here…. and see this old man in the
corner jacking-off right in public!?”
“Well, ma’am,” the sheriff slowly replies, “You don’t expect
him to catch a coyote at his age, do ya?”
Kangaphant
What do you get when you cross an elephant and kangaroo together? Giant holes all over Africa!
Una pareja de esposos que
Una pareja de esposos que no se soportan deciden divorciarse y acuden con el juez para que los separe. El magistrado pregunta las razones de la separaci�n; despu�s de escucharlas est� de acuerdo con los argumentos, pero les advierte que lo �nico que falta por establecer, es qui�n se quedar� con la custodia del nene y le pide a la mujer que hable:
“Se�or juez, mire, d�jeme decirle que no veo por qu� usted me pueda quitar a mi nene, si fui yo quien lo tuvo en el vientre durante nueve meses. Luego de eso lo amamante; despu�s lo cri� porque su padre es un irresponsable, que creo nunca lo quiso”.
Luego de ese discurso, el magistrado le dice al padre que hable:
“Se�or juez, para no dar tanto discurso como esa mujer, se la voy a poner f�cil: si usted quiere adquirir un refresco en una m�quina, le mete las monedas para que �sta le d� la bebida. Entonces, si usted introdujo las monedas, �de qui�n es el refresco, suyo de la m�quina?”
Sons Devoted to Mom
Three sons left home to make their fortunes, and they all did very, very well for themselves. They got together recently and were discussing what they each had done to benefit their aging mother.”Well,” said the first one, “I bought Mom a huge house in Beverly Hills.””I bought her a Mercedes and hired a full-time driver for her.””I’ve got you both beat,” said the third.”I bought her a miraculous parrot that can recite any Bible verse you tell it to.”A little later, the mother sent out a thank you letter to all three sons.”Gerald — the house you bought was too big. I only live in one room, but I have to clean the entire house. Milton — the car is useless because I don’t go anywhere because I’m too old. But Robert — you know exactly what I like. The chicken was delicious.”
A few good lawyers
A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a
pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around.
“What the hell do you think you’re doing?”
“I’m a chiropractor, and I’m just keeping in practice while I’m waiting in
line.”
“Well, I’m a lawyer, but you don’t see me screwing the guy in front of me, do
you?”
Bear Hunting
Two Rednecks went bear hunting.
While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear.
He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it.
The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could.
He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step.
Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat. Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin.
The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, “You skin this one while I go and get another!”
One day, Bill and Hillary
One day, Bill and Hillary went out to dinner. The waiter asked Hillary
what she wanted. She said, “I’ll have the steak, well done, potato,
chicken soup…” and the waiter asked, “and the vegetable?”
Hillary said, “Oh, he’ll have the same”.
Astrology
Q: Why has astrology been invented?
A: So that economy could be an accurate science.
Purchasing power of burgers
Cologne, May 27 dpa – The U.S. dollar is undervalued against the Deutsch-mark based on how many “Big Mac” hamburger sandwiches the two currencies can purchase, said one of Germany’s leading institutes.The Institute of the German Economy (IW) in Cologne noted that the popular sandwich by the McDonald’s restaurant chain is increasingly being used by economists around the world as a measure of currencies’ relative purchasing power.The institute said that currency exchange rates are often unreliable as an instrument to measure purchasing power. At the same time, “baskets” of products used to arrive at comparative purchasing power are complicated to compile.
My brain is like a computer…
My brain is like a computer,
the older I get the less available memory I have.