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Cuando la Madre Teresa de Calcuta muere, San Pedro le informa:
“Lo siento, pero se nos han acabado las coronas”.
Ya estando ah�, la Madre Teresa decide darse un paseo por el Reino de los Cielos. Horas m�s tarde vuelve indignada y le reclama a San Pedro:
“Perdona, pero acabo de ver a la princesa Diana de Gales con una corona. �Y me hab�as dicho que no quedaban!”
“�Qu� va, eso es el volante que no se lo hemos podido sacar!”
Q: How many terrorists does it take to change a light bulb?A: Two: one to stage a suicide attack on the bulb and another to claim responsibility in phone call to the news media.
A man who died in a horrible fire is taken to the coroner.
He thinks it might be a guy named George he met once, but the body is so badly burned that he needs somebody to make a positive identification.
That task falls to George�s two best friends, Joe and Al.
Joe comes over to the body and says, “He�s burned pretty bad, all right. Roll him over.”
Joe looks at the dead man�s butt and says, “Nope, that ain�t George.”
Thinking the incident strange, the coroner says nothing, and then brings in Al to examine the corpse.
Al takes a look at the body and says, “Wow, he�s burned to a crisp. Roll him over.”
Again, the same reply, “Nope, that ain�t George.”
“How can you tell?” asks the coroner.
“Poor George had two assholes,” explains Joe.
“What? How could he have two assholes?”
“Everybody knew George had two assholes. Whenever the three of us would go into town, everyone always said,
�Here comes George with those two assholes!� “
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by calamjo
how do you drown a blonde? Put a scratch and sniff sticker at the bottom of the pool.
Question = What do you call a hooker with white eyes?
Answer = FULL!!
Living your life is like shaving…no matter how well you do it today, you
still gotta do it tomorrow.
An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are shown a pasture with
a herd of sheep, and told to put them inside the smallest possible
amount of fence.
The engineer is first. He herds the sheep into a
circle and
then puts the fence around them, declaring, “A circle will use the least
fence for a given area, so this is the best solution.”
The physicist is
next. She creates a circular fence of infinite radius around the sheep,
and then draws the fence tight around the herd, declaring, “This will
give the
smallest circular fence around the herd.”
The mathematician is last.
After
giving the problem a little thought, he puts a small fence around
himself and then declares, “I define myself to be on the outside!”
I. DOORS: Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get door opened, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an “outside” door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season. Swinging doors are to be avoided at all costs.
II. CHAIRS AND RUGS: If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, shag is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so that it is as long as the human’s bare foot.
III. BATHROOMS: Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything — just sit and stare.
IV. HAMPERING: If one of your humans is engaged in some close activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called “helping”, otherwise known as “hampering”. Following are the rules for “hampering”:
a) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.
b) For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you can lie across the book itself.
c) For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work or at least the most important part. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or knitting needles. The worker may try to distract you; ignore it. Remember, the aim is to hamper work. Embroidery and needlepoint projects make great hammocks in spite of what the humans may tell you.
d) For people paying bills (monthly activity) or working on income taxes or Christmas cards (annual activity), keep in mind the aim — to hamper! First, sit on the paper being worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table. When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your ability. After being removed for the second time, push pens, pencils, and erasers off the table, one at a time.
e) When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump on the back of the paper. They love to jump.
V. WALKING: As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human, especially: on stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning. This will help their coordination skills.
VI. BEDTIME: Always sleep on the human at night so s/he cannot move around.
>Apasionada y hondamente la quiero a Ud. jo-
ven y hermosa y como es natural yo deseo proce-
>der con prontitud y eficacia, al fin de pre-
sentarla luego en el altar de la iglesia y no enga-
>�arla vilmente, pues pienso que usted es la m�s pu-
ra y mujer inimitable de la mujer buena y cas-
>ta que pudo haber existido.
>As�mismo, deseo depositar en usted el se-
creto de mi alma, e impedir que mis venas se que-
>men con ardiente pasi�n, y despu�s de haber for-
malizado nuestras relaciones y haber comu-
>nicado a su mam� y hermanas quedar� mi ver-
dadera pasi�n correspondida, a fin de que la ha-
>ga feliz con tanta pasi�n.
>La verdad le digo, que el m�s afortunado cu-
pido mir�ndonos dichoso con tan ardiente anhe-
>lo envidiar�a nuestra dicha; cr�ame que co-
nocer la felicidad matrimonial que desea toda mu-
>jer, es lo m�s importante en la vida.
Su enamorado.
(Ahora lee s�lo los p�rrafos marcados con >)
A neutron walks into a bar and orders a drink. After he’s done, he says to the bartender, “So what do I owe ya’?” And so the bartender responds, “Oh, you’re free of charge.”
If I want it,
it’s mine.
If I give it to you and change my mind later,
it’s mine.
If I can take it away from you,
it’s mine.
If I had it a little while ago,
it’s mine.
If it’s mine, it will never belong to anybody else,
no matter what.
If we are building something together,
all the pieces are mine.
If it looks just like mine,
it’s mine.
After a few years of married life, this guy finds that he is unable to get it up anymore. He goes to his doctor, his doctor tries a few things but nothing works.
Finally the doctor says to him “this is all in your mind”, and refers him to a psychiatrist.
After a few visits to the shrink, the shrink confesses “I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured.”
Finally the psychiatrist refers him to a witch doctor.
The witch doctor tells him, “I can cure this”, and throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke….
The witch doctor says “This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say ‘1 2 3’ and it shall rise for as long as you wish!”
The guy then asks the witch doctor “What happens after when its over?”.
The witch doctor says “all you have to say is ‘1 2 3 4’ and it will go down”. “But be warned it will not work again for 3 months!”
This guy goes home and that night is ready to surprise his wife with the good news… So he is lying in bed with her and says “1 2 3”, and suddenly he gets a hard-on.
His wife turns over and says “What did you say ‘1 2 3’ for?”