Q: How does a blonde commit suicide?A: She gathers her clothes into a pile and jumps off.
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Gladly
A child came home from Sunday School and old his mother that he had learned a new song about a cross-eyed bear named Gladly.
It took his mother a while before she realized that the hymn was really “Gladly The Cross I’d Bear,”
What was the first thing Monica Lewinsky saw…
What was the first thing Monica Lewinsky saw in Washington?
The executive branch.
The Albino
A missionary gets sent into deepest darkest Africa and goes to live with a tribe therein. He spends years with the people, teaching them to write and the good Christian ways of the white man. One thing he particularly stresses is the evils of sexual sin. Thou must not commit adultery or fornication!
One day the wife of one of the tribe’s noblemen gives birth to a white child. The village is shocked and the chief is sent by his people to talk with the missionary.
“You have taught us of the evils of sexual sin, yet here a black woman gives birth to white child. You are the only white man that has ever set foot in our village. It doesn’t take a genius to work out what has been going on!”
The missionary replies: “No, no, my good man. You are mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence-what is called an albino. Look to the yonder field. See a field of white sheep, and yet amongst them is one black one. Nature does this on occasion.”
The chief pauses for a moment then says “Tell you what, you don’t say anything about the sheep, I won’t say anything about the white child!”
Three blondes
why did the three blondes jump off the top of the building?
To see if their maxi-pads really had wings.
Pleasant Round of Golf
Two queers were enjoying a pleasant round of golf when a foursome of Hell’s Angels began hitting into them from behind. One queer finally becomes angry and turns to his partner,”If those big bad boys hit into us one more time, Seymour, you fall down and act like the ball hit you very very hard in the head. We’ll just sue those naughty boys.”
Sure enough, next hole they drove the ball directly into the gay twosome. “Now, Seymour, now! Fall down. Well show them…”
The Angels walk up to the standing and lying queer and say, “What the hell’s going on here?”
“You just hurt my friend Seymour really bad, and we’re going to get a lawyer and sue you….how do you like that?”
The Angel replys, “Oh Blow Me!”
The queer exclaims, “Seymour,Seymour, get up! They want to settle out of court!”
Teachers
(Q) why do teachers where dark glasses.
(A) because the pupils are so bright.
There are two sides to
There are two sides to every issue, and I always agree with both.
Hear about the blonde that got an AM radio?
Q. Hear about the blonde that got an AM radio?
A. It took her a month to realize she could play it at night.
Iron Will Do The Job
There was once an elderly woman, who was once a blonde, before
her hair changed to gray. She had several wrinkles on her face,
and really, really wanted to look younger.She went to a doctor
to see about getting a face lift, but that was too expensive.
Later that day, while walking through a department store, she
got a brilliant idea.
she bought an iron and went home. A little while after that, an
ambulance drove up to the ER. The paramedics were laughing
histerically as they pulled the old woman out of the ambulance.
The doctors asked her why she had burns that appeared to be from
an iron on her face. She told the doctors That she was sick of
looking like a raisin, so she bought an iron to get the wrinkles
out of her skin because it did such a good job on her clothes!
Death of an Eel
Little Johnny was 7 years old, and like other boys his age, rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about courting from other boys and he wondered what it was and how it was done.
One day he took his questions to his mother, and she became flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny she told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. This he did, and the following morning Johnny described everything to his mother:
“Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for awhile, then he turned off most of the lights. Then he started to kiss and hug her, I figured sis must be getting sick because her face started looking funny. He must have thought so too because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart,just like the doctor would. Except he’s not as good as the doctor, because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart.
He was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them started panting and getting all out of breath. His other hand must have been getting cold because he put it under her skirt. About this time, sis got toward the end of the couch.
This was when the fever started. I know it was a fever because sis told him she was really HOT.
Finally, I found out what was making them so sick…. a big eel had gotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there about 9 inches long. HONEST!
Anyway, he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away.
When sis saw it she got really scared. Her eyes got big and her mouth fell open, and she started calling out to God and stuff like that. I should tell her about the ones I saw at the lake!
Sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by bitting its head off. All of a sudden, she made a noise and let the eel go… I guess it bit her back.
Then she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eels head to keep it from biting again.
Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor lock on it. And he helped by laying on the top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squishing it between them.
After a while they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend sat up and sure enough they had killed the eel…
I knew it was dead because it just hung there limp and some of its insides were hanging out. Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went on courting anyway.
He started hugging and kissing her again. And by golly, the eel wasn’t dead after all. It jumped straight up and started to fight again.
I guess eels are like cats…. they have nine lives or something.
This time sis jumped up and tried to kill the eel by sitting on it. After about 35 minutes of struggle, they finally killed the eel. I know it was dead this time because I saw sis’s boyfriend peel off the skin and flush it down the toilet.”
Mother fainted.
Losing Wife’s Love
“I’m worried that I’m losing my wife’s love,” the husband told
the counselor.
“Has she started to neglect you?”
“Not at all,” the dejected man replied. “She meets me at the
door with a cold drink and a warm kiss. My shirts are always
ironed, she’s a great cook, the house is always neat, and she
keeps the kids out of my hair. She even lets me choose the
television shows we watch and she never objects to kinky sex, or
says she has a headache.”
“So what’s the problem?”
“Maybe I’m just being too sensitive,” the husband ventured, but
at night, when she thinks I’m sleeping, she puts her lips close
to my ear and whispers, ‘Die! Die, you son of a bitch!'”