SNAFU Equations: 1) Given any problem containing N equations, there will be N+1 unknowns. 2) An object or bit of information most needed will be least available. 3) Any device requiring service or adjustment will be least accessible. 4) Interchangeable devices won’t. 5) In any human endeavor, once you have exhausted all possibilities and fail, there will be one solution, simple and obvious, highly visible to everyone else. 6) Badness comes in waves.
Author: admin
Begging on Wall Street
There are three beggars begging on Wall Street.
The first beggar wrote “Beggar” on his broken cup. He received $10.00 after one day.
The next day, the second beggar wrote “Beggar.com” on his cup. After one day, he received hundreds of thousands of dollars and an offer to float an IPO on NASDAQ.
The following day, the third beggar wrote “e-Beg” on his cup. Microsoft, IBM, and HP sent corporate vice-presidents to talk to him about strategic alliances and offered him free hardware consultancy. In addition, it was reported on CNBC that e-Beg uses 95% Oracle technology and that I2 announced the launch of BegTradeMatrix; a b2b industry portal offering supply chain integration in the beggar community.
Things the Movies Really Teach Us
3rd base does not feel like apple pie, it feels like vulcanized
rubber. This can lead to much pain with continued thrusting.
You can get anywhere with a little luck and a box of chocolates.
Hard work, intelligence, its all crap.
If you are a brave heart, shut up now. You’ll only get you and
your girlfriend killed. Also true for gladiators.
Never, EVER, choose the fish over the boat. Perfect Storms tend
to destroy both.
If you find an old book with ancient writing on it, rumored to
be the book of the dead, Do Not Open!
If the most experienced, smartest, most powerful jedi you know
says no, for goodness sakes, don’t do it.
Finally, something good comes from fantasizing about 12 yr old
American Beauties. (for all you counting on #1, don’t bloody try
it. Odds are you will get a 300 pound gay roommate named Bubba)
If your teacher gives you a bad grade, he/she’s probably an
alien.
Ugly mullet-haired freak gets Brittany Daniel, Moron of the year
recipient gets Rachel Leigh Cook. There’s hope for me yet!!!
News Flash
This just in: Monica Lewinsky, in a statement released today, countered
President Clinton’s firm denial: “I have had enough. This whole experience has
left a bitter taste in my mouth, and I can’t stomach any more. I feel as if I am
getting the shaft, that this ugly matter has come to a head and has blown up in
my face. This may be a load to handle, but when things are hard, that is when I
am at my best. I have faced hard things in the past, and I know what is coming.
will meet this challenge the only way I know how … head on. I have licked
bigger things than this before, and I will again. No one will ever be able to
say that Monica Lewinsky isn’t a finisher, that she quit before the job was
done. I will work nonstop and fight this, blow by blow, until I am wiped clean
of this dirty affair. I will not be stained by it. ” Thank you, Monica
Lewinsky.
What Gets Bigger?
Mr. Perkins, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl’s junior college, said during class, “Miss Smythe, would you please name the organ of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions.”
Miss Smythe gasped, then said freezingly, “Mr. Perkins, I don’t think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you my parents will hear of this!” With that she sat down red-faced.
Unperturbed, Mr. Perkins called on Miss Johnson and asked the same question.
Miss Johnson, with composure replied, “The pupil of the eye, in dim light.”
“Correct,” said Mr. Perkins.
“And now, Miss Smythe, I have three things to say to you:
“One, you have not studied your lesson.
Two, you have a dirty mind.
And three, you will some day be faced with a dreadful disappointment!”
Nurse Jenny
Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Jenny.
“She’s incredibly dumb. She does everything absolutely backwards.” said one doctor. “Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of percocet every 10 hours. She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He nearly died on us!”
The second doctor said, “That’s nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours. She tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy nearly exploded!”
Suddenly, they hear this blood-curdling scream from down the hall, the hear: “Oh my God!” said the first doctor, “I just realized I told Nurse Jenny to prick Mr. Smith’s boil!”
Confessions
In a small cathedral a janitor was cleaning the pews between services when he was approached by the minister. The minister asked the janitor, “Could you go into the confessional and listen to confessions for me?
I really have to go to the bathroom and the Widow McGee is coming. She tends to go on but never really does anything worthy of serious repentance, so when she’s done just give her 10 hail Mary’s and I’ll be right back.”
Being the helpful sort, the janitor agreed. Just as expected the Widow McGee came into the booth and started her confession. “Oh Father, I fear I have done the unforgivable. I have given into carnal thoughts and have had oral sex.” Stunned, the janitor had no idea how to handle this situation. Surely 10 hail Mary’s would not do. So, in a moment of desperation the janitor peered his head out of the confessional and asked an alter boy, “Son, what does the minister give for oral sex?”
In reply the alter boy said,
“Two Snickers bars and a Coke.”
Choose a Political Party
During a neighborhood party, Joe got into an argument with his neighbor, about
presidential politics. Finally, the neighbor asked me why Joe was such a
dedicated Republican.
Joe told him that his father and grandfather were both Republicans and he was
carrying on the family tradition.
“That’s it?” said the exasperated neighbor. “What if your father and
grandfather had been horse thieves?”
“Well…” Joe replied, “I suppose then I’d be a Democrat like you.”
Alzheimers
What’s the two best things about alzheimers?
You meet “new” people everyday.
And…
You can hide your own Easter eggs.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
The value of a program
The value of a program is proportional to the weight of its output.
Battle on the Ocean
Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his First Mate, ‘Bring me my red shirt!’
The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain’s red shirt, which the captain put on and led the crew to battle the pirate boarding party. Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled.
Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels sending boarding parties. The crew cowered in fear, but the captain, calm as ever bellowed, ‘Bring me my red shirt!’
And once again the battle was on. However, the Captain and his crew repelled both boarding parties, though this time more casualties occurred.
Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day’s occurrences when an ensign looked to the Captain and asked, ‘Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?’
The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, exhorted, ‘If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the wound and thus, you men will continue to fight unafraid.’
The men sat in silence marveling at the courage of such a man.
As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships, 10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way.
The men became silent and looked to the Captain, their leader, for his usual command.
The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, ‘Bring me my brown pants!’
Blondes and Musclecars
Q. What do blondes and muscle cars have in common?
A. They both burn rubber!!