If one family was pore whith only a cloke whine its raining.How would thay serfiva?
Author: admin
Types of computer viruses
Congressional Virus: Overdraws your computer.
GAAP
Q: What is GAAP (generally accepted accounting principles)?
A: The difference between accounting theory and practice.
Drunk Nuns
Two nuns, Sister Mary and Sister Anne get drunk in a bar and end up shagging a couple of rednecks in the car park.
Halfway through, Sister Anne repents and shouts, “Forgive him, Father, for he knows not what he does,” to which Sister Mary replies, “Mine does”.
Chinese Farmer’s Daughter
A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. “I’m lost,” said the man. “Can you put me up for the night?”
“Certainly,” the Chinese man said, “but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man.”
“Ok,” said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.
Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn’t keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man’s warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn’t hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy.
He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, “Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest.”
“Well, that’s pretty crappy,” he thought. “If that’s the best the old man can do then I don’t have much to worry about.” He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: “Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle.”
In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder.
As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, “Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost.”
2 + 2 = 5
2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
Wish to Build a Wall
There’s a Chelsea fan, a Manchester Utd and a Liverpool fan
walking along a beach. The Chelsea fan trips over something half
buried in the sand. Sure enough, in true joke fasion, it’s a
magic lamp, and the Chelsea fan rubs it. Poooof! A genie appears
and grants him 3 wishes. He decides to give his friends a wish
each and the Chelsea fan goes first.
“We’ve had a ban run in Europe this season so next year, I want
to qualify for the Champions League and win it.”
A click of the genie’s fingers and the wish is duly granted.
Next it’s the Manc’s turn.
“Right, our kid.”, he says to the genie,” I want a fucking great
big wall all the way around Manchester to keep those Scouse
bastards out!”
“Granted!” booms the genie, and the wall appears around
Manchester.
Finally, the Scouser steps up and asks, “This wall…how high is
it?”
“200 feet high” answers the genie.
“Any doors in it” continues the quizical Liverpool fan.
“Nope.”
“Windows?”
“Nope.”
“Right!”, says the Scouser, “Flood the Bastard!”
Knock Knock 113
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Lee!
Lee who?
Lee’d on McDuff!
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Leland!
Leland who?
Leland of the free and the home of the brave!
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Lemon!
Lemon who?
Lemon me give you a kiss!
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Len!
Len who?
Len us a fiver will you!
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Lena!
Lena who?
Lena little closer and I’ll tell you!
I hurt all over!
A young woman said to her doctor, ‘You have to help me, I hurt all over!’
‘What do you mean?’ said the doctor.
The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled,’Ow, that hurts.’
Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, ‘Ouch! That hurts, too.’
Then she touched her right earlobe. ‘Ow, even THAT hurts!’
The doctor asked the woman, ‘Are you a natural blonde?’
‘Why yes,’ she said.
‘I thought so,’ said the doctor. ‘You have a sprained finger.’
Canoeing
This one blonde is driving down the street and she sees this other blonde a canoe in a corn field. The blonde in the car jumps out and yells at the blonde in the canoe.
She says “What the hell are you doing? It’s blondes like you that make us blondes look stupid. If I knew how to swim I’d come over there and kick your ass!”
All you can eat, under a buck.
Q: What do you call a blonde with a dollar on the top of their head?
A: All you can eat, under a buck.
Yo mama is so stupid
Yo mama so stupid she took a umbrella to see Purple Rain.