Yours Fun Portal !
A New York family bought a ranch out West where they intended to raise cattle. Friends came to visit and asked if the ranch had a name.
“Well,” said the would-be-cattleman. “I wanted to call it the Bar-J. My wife favored the Suzy-Q. One son liked the Flying-W, and the other son wanted the Lazy-Y. So, we’re calling it the Bar-J-Suzy-Q-Flying-W-Lazy-Y.”
“But where are all your cattle?”
“So far, none have survived the branding.”
Bob and Ray walking down the street. Bob said, “Hey, Look at that dog with one eye!” So Ray said, “Okay!” and covered up one of his eyes!!
Yo mama so old I told her to act her own age, and she died.
Q: whats the difference between your mamma and the atlantic ocean?
A: the atlantic ocean doesnt have that many crabs
Yo Momma’s so old she got powderd milk in her boobs!
Informes de inteligencia recientemente revelados, dan cuenta de que el atentado perpetrado en las ciudades de Nueva York y Washington, hace algunas horas, estaba dirigido, primeramente, a ser cometido �nica y exclusivamente en la ciudad de Buenos Aires.
Por diversos motivos que pasaremos a detallar, seg�n las informaciones recabadas, dos terroristas de alg�n lugar del Medio Oriente llegaron a Buenos Aires con la firme determinaci�n de ejecutar ‘el castigo de Al� para con los infieles’. Esto no pudo llevarse a cabo. He aqu� la historia y el itinerario seguido por los dos fan�ticos una vez llegados a nuestro pa�s:
Domingo 23:47 h: Llegan a Buenos Aires v�a a�rea desde Uruguay; salen de Aeroparque y toman un taxi. El taxista los marca por el espejo y al ver las caras de boludos que tienen, los pasea por toda la ciudad durante una hora y media. En la esquina de Carabobo y Rivadavia se sube un c�mplice que los afana y los dejan tirados en el Bajo Flores.
Lunes 1:15 h: Cuando logran recuperarse un poco, aparece una barrita de la villa y se produce el siguiente dialogo:
“Che, fierita, dame un peso pa’ la birra”
“�…?”
“Dale barbeta, pelotudo. �Tiram� un mango! �O so’ sordo, so’…!.
“No habla espa�ol… Yo afgano…”
“�Ah, afgano! Agarr�mela con la mano (al mismo tiempo que empiezan los golpes de pu�o, patadas, codazos, etc.)
Lunes 4:30 h: Al despertar, despu�s de la golpiza, ambos terroristas logran llegar a una remiser�a. Toman un auto por la autopista Ricchieri hacia Ezeiza. Cinco kil�metros antes de llegar los detiene un piquete de empleados de Aerol�neas Argentinas que, junto con los camioneros, empleados judiciales, canillitas, vendedores ambulantes, etc., no les permiti� el paso.
Lunes 7:30 h: Llegan a Ezeiza (�al fin!). Necesitan cambiar plata para moverse m�s tranquilos. �Tienen d�lares y se los cambian por Patacones!
Lunes7:45hs: Intentan abordar un avi�n para hacerlo caer sobre Buenos Aires. Aerol�neas y Austral est�n de paro; los empleados impiden que despegue cualquier otra l�nea a�rea. El �nico avi�n que est� en pista lleva 18 horas de retraso. Los empleados y pasajeros ‘acampan’ dentro del aeropuerto. Hacen ollas populares. Gritan consignas contra el gobierno; llega Gendarmer�a… Se empiezan a cagar a trompadas, todos contra todos… �Gran quilombo!
Lunes 19:05 h: Al fin se tranquilizan un poco los �nimos. Se acercan al mostrador de Iberia para sacar un pasaje rumbo a Lima, desviarlo y hacerlo estallar (je, je, je). �Pero ninguna l�nea �rea acepta Patacones!
Lunes 19:07 h: A esta altura del d�a, los saboteadores discuten entre si. �No saben si hacer mierda Buenos Aires es un acto terrorista o una obra de caridad!
Lunes 20:30 h: Muertos de fr�o y de hambre van al Mc Donald’s de Ezeiza. Piden un Mc Pollo con Frenys y Coca mediana.
Martes 0:35 h: Se recuperan de una infecci�n intestinal en el Hospital Fern�ndez.
Martes 20:00 h: Chiche Gelblung los lleva al programa ‘Memoria’, junto al m�dico gallego que les hace un tratamiento de cactus mezclado con remolacha y repollo.
Martes 23:42 h: Los tipos rajan del pa�s a trav�s de la ‘triple frontera’. Juran por Al� jam�s volver a intentar nada en nuestro ‘bendito pa�s’.
How do u get a gay man pregnant?
A: by anal fusion
What do you call an eternity?
Four blondes in four cars at a four way stop.
Why do blondes have TGIF written on their shoes?
Toes Go In First
Three blondes were driving to Disneyland. After being in the car for four hours, they saw a sign that said “Disneyland left.” So they turned around and went home.
What do smart blondes and UFOs have in common?
You always hear about them but never see them.
What did the blonde say when she opened a box of Cheerios?
Oh,look, Daddy….doughnut seeds!
Why did the blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice?
Because it said concentrate.
Why do blondes always smile during lightning storms?
They think their picture is being taken.
How can you tell when a blonde sends you a fax?
It has a stamp on it.
Why can’t blondes dial 911?
They can’t find the 11 on the phone.
What do you do if a blonde throws a pin at you?
Run, she’s got a grenade in her mouth!
How can you tell if a blonde’s been using your computer?
There is white-out all over the monitor.
Why shouldn’t blondes have coffee breaks?
It takes too long to retrain them.
A blonde and a brunnette were walking outside when the brunnette said,”Oh, look at the dead bird.” The blonde looked skyward and said, “Where? Where?”
How do you drown a blonde?
Put a scratch and sniff sticker on the bottom of a pool.
Why does it take longer to build a blonde snowman than a regular one?
You have to hollow out the head.
How do you get a twinkle in a blonde’s eye?
Shine a flashlight in her ear.
Hear about the blonde who got an AM radio?
Took her a month to figure out she could play it at night.
What happened to the blonde Ice Hockey team?
They drowned during spring training.
What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA?
“Duh! Look! They spelled Macy’s wrong!”
How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
Tell her a joke on Tuesday.
Why are blonde’s boobs always square?
Because they forget to take the kleenex out of the box.
21) I know that men are from Mars, but I see something that rhymes with Venus.
20) The cucumber has left the salad.
19) I can see the gun of Nazarene.
18) Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.
17) You’ve got Windows in your laptop.
16) Sailor Ned’s trying to take a little shore leave.
15) Your soldier ain’t so unknown now.
14) Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bell.
13) Paging Mr. Johnson… Paging Mr. Johnson…
12) you need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.
11) Your pod bay door is open, Hal.
10) Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!
9) Mini Me am making a break for the escape pod.
8) Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir!
7) The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
6) Dr. Kimble has escaped!
5) You’ve got your fly set for “Monica” instead of “Hillary.”
4) Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction…
3) You’ve got a security breach at Los Pantaloons.
2) I’m talking about Shaft, can you dig it?
AND THE NUMBER ONE WAY
TO TELL SOMEONE THEIR FLY IS UNZIPPED…
1) I thought you were crazy; now I see your nuts.
It was the first day of school and a new student, the son of a
Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade.
The teacher greeted the class and said, “Let’s begin by
reviewing some American history. Who said ‘Give me Liberty, or
give me death?'” She saw only a sea of blank faces, except for
that of Suzuki, who had his hand up. “Patrick Henry, 1775,” said
the boy.
“Very good! Now,” said the teacher, “who said ‘Government of the
people, by the people, for the people shall not perish from the
earth’?” Again, no response except from Suzuki, “Abraham
Lincoln, 1863.”
The teacher snapped at the class, “Class, you should be ashamed.
Suzuki, who is new to our country, knows more about its history
than you do.” As she turned to write something on the
blackboard, she heard a loud whisper, “Damned Japanese.” “Who
said that?” she demanded. Suzuki put his hand up. “Lee Iacocca,
1982,” he said.
At that point, feeling completely disgusted by Suzuki’s
classroom superiority, a student in the back sighed, “I’m gonna
throw up.” The teacher glares and asks, “All right! Now, who
said that?” Again, Suzuki raises his hand and says, “George Bush
to Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.”
Now furious, another student yells, “Oh yeah? Suck this!” Suzuki
jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the
teacher, “Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997.”
Once upon a time deep in the depths of the sea a sad squid was laying on the sea-bed feeling very sorry for himself and poorly.
All of a sudden a large shadow appeared above him and looking up he saw a large shark.
�Hello squiddy� said the shark �You don�t look too good what�s the matter�?
�Oh I have to get my pension today and it�s a long journey and I don�t feel very well today every thing seems to much of an effort�.
�No problem�, said the shark �I will land on the sea bed and you can climb onto my back and we will be able to get you to the post office in no time�.
The shark slowly landed next to the squid on the seabed and the squid climbed onto his back and hung on with his tenticles as the shark went off at a frightening speed for the squid.
After half an hour the shark slowed down and stopped.
All of a sudden everything went black above them and the shark and the squid looked up frightened, above them casting a great black shadow was a huge killer whale.
�Hello sharkey I�ve been looking for you, do you have anything for me� said the killer whale threatenly.
�Oh yes� said the shark, �Have a look on my back. �It�s the six quid I owe you�.
Melissa was toweling off in front of the mirror when she noticed a few gray pubic hairs. She bent down and said to her privates..”I know you haven’t been getting much lately…but I didn’t know you were so worried about it!”