Author: admin

A New Pet

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Once upon a time a man was lonely and decided life would be more
fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the
owner that he wanted an unusual pet. He then bought a centipede,
which came in a little white box. He took the box home and
decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar to
have a drink. So he asked him:

“Would you like to go to Frank’s Place and have a beer?”

No answer. This bothered him a bit So a few minutes later he
again asked him: “How about going to the bar and having a drink
with me?”

Again… no answer. He asked him one more time: “Hey, would you
like to go & have a drink with me?”

A little voice came out of the box: “I heard you the first time.
I’m just putting on my shoes.”

Daugter with her vibrator

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As a mother passed her daughter’s closed bedroom door, she heard a strange
buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter
giving herself a real workout with a vibrator. Shocked, she asked, “What in the
world are you doing?”

The daughter replied, “Mom, I’m thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this
thing is about as close as I’ll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave
me alone.”

The next day, the girl’s father heard the same buzz coming from the other side
of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter
making passionate love to her vibrator. To his query as to what she was doing,
the daughter said, “Dad, I’m thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is
about as close as I’ll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me
alone.”

A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed the
groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of
all places, the family room. She entered that area and observed her husband
sitting on the couch, staring at the TV. The vibrator was next to him on the
couch, buzzing like crazy.

The wife asked, “What the hell are you doing?”

The husband replied, “I’m watching the ball game with my son-in-law�.

The Will

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Michael Jones was a 61 year old man who died in his sleep. He was a piece
loving man. He always tried to keep the family from falling apart. He was
very wealthy. Before he died he promised good fortune to his family in his
will.

His friends and family gathered together to read the will:

To my son John. Whom i love dearly. But do not trust with shit. Give him
my jewels. So maybe he’ll stop stealing other peoples.

To my daughter Jessica. Give her a thousand dollars of my money. She’ll
just smoke it up on drugs. The damn druggie. When will you learn.

To my grand baby Tee Tee. Give her a scholarship to any college in the
world that she wants to go to and nothing more because she might just end
like her mother. A druggie.

My loving wife. Give her shit on a platter. The cheating bitch. Get her
out of my house at once.

Last to my secretary, give her all of my money, house, car, investments
and my island. She can suck a mean dick.

Golf Lessons

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One day, a man came home from work very anxious to tell his wife something. He tells her that his boss has premoted him to a higher placement in his company, and that his boss invited him and his wife to play golf in a few weeks. The wife replied that she didn’t know how to play golf, so her husband signed her up for lessons. So the following week, she went to her first lesson. The insructor explained the way that she was supposed to stand and what position would be best for her. Then he tried to show her how to handle the club, it wasn’t working out very well, so he told her to pretend that the club was her husband’s manhood. At the end of the lesson the instructor said this, “Ma’am, you did very well for your first lesson, but next week let’s try to keep the club out of your mouth.”

If you could change a woman and a man

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These two guys are out hunting and they are getting pretty drunk, and the first man says to the other, “If you could change any three things on a woman what would it be?” The other man replies, “I would first make their butt tighter, then they would have eyes in the back of their head, then I would have their crotch be on their shoulder.” The other man kind of looks at him weird and says, “Ok same Question except for a man.”The man replies, “Well just like the girl, a tight butt, eyes in the back of their head, but i would put his peanis on his finger.” The frrst guy looks at him again and has to ask and he says, “What the hell would you do that for?!?!?” And the other man replies, “So when you walk up to them you could say, hey i know you” while you poke them in the shoulder.(when youi tell this joke…….comes in handy in getting the point across by poking the other person in the shoulder while you say, “Hey, I know you!”)

Football Riddles

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Q:Why Doesn’t Iowa have a pro football team?A:Because then Chicago would want one too.Q:What do you call a QB that just got sacked by Gilbert brown?A:Road KillQ:What do the call a drug circle in Dallas?A:a HuddleQ:Why can’t Michael Irvin be in the huddle anymore?A:His probation doesn’t allow him to be around known felonsQ:Why did the bears want to sign Michael Irvin?A:They already had a Fridge now they want a coke machine

Dangerous Food

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A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. ‘The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all eat it. Can anyone here tell me what lethal product I’m referring to? You, sir, in the first row, please give us your idea.’

The man lowered his head and said, ‘Wedding cake.’

The good news

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The president was awakened late one night by an urgent call from the Pentagon.

“Mr. President,” said the four-star general, barely able to contain himself,
“There’s good news and bad news.”

“Oh no,” muttered the president. “Well, let me have the bad news first.”

“The bad news, sir, is that we’ve been invaded by creatures from another
planet. ”

“Geez and the good news?”

“The good news, sir, is that they eat reporters and piss oil.”

Osama goes to Hell

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Osama bin Laden has a heart attack and dies. He immediately goes
to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.
“I don’t know what to do here,” the devil says. “You’re on my
list, but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to
stay here, so I’ll tell you what I’m going to do: I’ve got a
couple of people here who weren’t quite as bad as you. I’ll let
one of them go, but you have to take their place. I’ll even let
YOU decide who leaves.”

Osama thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil led him
into the first room.

In it was Manuel Noriega and a large pool of water. He kept
diving in and surfacing empty-handed. Over and over and over.
Such was his fate in hell.

“No,” bin Laden said, “I don’t think so. I’m not a good swimmer
and I don’t think I could do that all day long.”

So the devil led him to the next room. In it was the Ayatollah
Khomeini with a sledgehammer and a huge pile of rocks. All he
did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.

“No, I’ve got this problem with my shoulder. I’d be in constant
agony if all I did was break rocks all day,” bin Laden
commented.

So the devil opened a third door. In it, bin Laden saw Bill
Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head
and his legs staked in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was
his girl Monica, doing what she does best. Osama bin Laden
stared in disbelief and finally said, “Yeah, I can handle this.”

The devil smiled and said, “OK, Monica, you’re free to go.”

Want a day off work?

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So you want a day off. Let’s take a look at what you are asking for. There are
365 days per year available for work. There are 52 weeks per year in which you
already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work. Since you
spend 16 hours each day away fron work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only
91 days available. You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break which counts
for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available. With a 1 hour lunch each
day, you used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work. You
normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days per
year available for work. We are off 5 holidays per year, so your available
working time is down to 15 days. We generously give 14 days vacation per year
which leaves only 1 day available for work and I’ll be darned if you are going
to take that day off!