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Yo mama so fat…
Yo mama is so fat, she uses the Empire State building as a dildo.
The Test!
A guy walks into a bar and rudely demands a shot of 12-yr old scotch.
The bartender thinks “this guy doesn’t know the difference,” so he pours a shot of 2-year old scotch.
The patron takes one sip and spits it out. He promptly hollers at the bartender I said 12-year old scotch, you bozo!”
Still unimpressed the bartender pours some 6-year old scotch.
The patron takes a sip…same reaction.
But the bartender still doesn’t believe the patron knows the difference. So he pours a shot of 10-year old scotch. Again, same reaction from the patron.
Finally, the bartender is convinced. He pours the patron a glass of 12-year-old scotch. The patron takes a sip and is most satisfied.
All the while this has been going on, a drunk at the end of the bar has been watching.
He slides a shot glass down the bar to the patron and drunkedly says:
“Shay mishter, tashte this!” The patron obliges…he promptly spits it out.
“That tastes like pee!,” he shoots back at the drunk.
The drunk replies: “It ish. Now how old am I?”
Un gringo y un africano
Un gringo y un africano estaban en un departamento de asistencia social. El gringo parado detr�s del negro le dice “Nigger motherfucker, i fuck you”. El negro, sin darle importancia, no le hace caso.
Al rato el gringo le dice al negro: “�Saben por qu� ustedes tener palmas de las manos y plantas de pies blancas?”
El africano volteando educadamente le responde: “No, �por qu�?”
Y el gringo le dice: “�Porque a ustedes pegarlos contra la pared y pintarlos con pintura de aceite negra y de pasada con crayones�”
El africano, molesto y encabronado, le responde: “�Y saben por qu� ustedes tienen el ano bien negro?”
El gringo desconcertado dice: “No �why?”
“�Pues porque nosotros todav�a est�bamos frescos!”
Entrance Exam
A Christian, a Muslim and a Buddhist die and arrive at the Gate of Heaven. An
angel (or diva) stops them and asks, “Why do you come here? Can you tell me the
reasons why you are allowed to enter Heaven?”
The Christian replies, “My ancestors disobeyed God, and I sinned all my life:
I killed, I lied, I cheated my wife and I was greedy. However, Jesus died for me
and all my sins are forgiven. So I deserved to enter Heaven.”
“OK,” replies the Angel. “Sounds good, but I must give you an entrance
examination before you can enter.” The Christian promptly agrees and the Angel
asks him: “How do you spell God?” It is an easy question, and the Christian
passes through the Gate.
Next came the Muslim, who says, “I had not done any good or evil things during
my life but I was very devout. I prayed to God five times a day. So, I too
should enter Heaven.” The Angel replies, “It sounds OK to me, but I have to give
you a test also. How do you spell Allah?” The Muslim passed the test.
Finally, it is the Buddhist’s turn, who tells the Angel, “I had done all the
good things in my life and I followed Buddha’s five precepts: I never killed, I
donated to charities, I meditated every day, and I never cheated my boss or my
customers.” The Angel replies, “That is very good, but there are no exceptions.
You must pass the entrance test also in order to get in.” Thinking that the test
should be simple, he agrees to take the test.
The Angel then asks him: “How to spell Avalokitesvara Bodhisattva?”
Santa and the FAA
Santa Claus, like all pilots, gets regular visits from the Federal Aviation Administration, and the FAA examiner arrived last week for the pre-Christmas flight check.
In preparation, Santa had the elves wash the sled and bathe all the reindeer. Santa got his log book out and made sure all his paperwork was in order. He knew they would examine all his equipment and truly put Santa’s flying skills to the test.
The examiner walked slowly around the sled. He checked the reindeer harnesses, the landing gear, and even Rudolph’s nose. He painstakingly reviewed Santa’s weight and balance calculations for sled’s enormous payload. Finally, they were ready for the check ride. Santa got in and fastened his seat belt and shoulder harness and checked the compass.
Then the examiner hopped in carrying, to Santa’s surprise, a shotgun.
“What’s that for?!?” Asked Santa incredulously.
The examiner winked and said, “I’m not supposed to tell you this ahead of time,” as he leaned over to whisper in Santa’s ear, “but you’re gonna lose an engine on takeoff.”
Internet Addict
1. You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
2. You step out of your room and realize that your parents have
moved and you don’t have a clue as to when it happened.
3. Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to go from top to bottom.
4. Your nightmares are in HTML and GIFS.
5. You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling,
like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
6. You start introducing yourself as “Jim at net dot com”
7. Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you
see a new WWW site address on TV.
8. You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can
hear if new e-mail arrives.
9. Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you
of what she looks like.
10. All of your friends have an @ in their names.
11. When looking at a web page full of someone else’s links, you
notice all of them are already highlighted in purple.
12. Your dog has its own home page.
13. You can’t call your mother… She doesn’t have a modem.
14. You check your mail. It says “no new messages.” So you check
it again.
15. Your phone bill is a heavy as a brick.
16. You write your homework in HTML and give your instructor the
URL.
17. You don’t know the sex of three of your closest friends,
because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered
to ask.
18. Your husband tells you that he has had the beard for 2
months.
19. You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and
check your e-mail on the way back to bed.
20. You tell the kids they can’t use the computer because
“Daddy’s got work to do” — even though you don’t have a
job.
21. You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and
mouse.
22. Your wife makes a new rule: “The computer cannot come to
bed.”
23. You get a tattoo that says “This body best viewed with
Netscape 3.0 or higher.”
24. You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your
ISP… because you never log off.
25. The last girl you picked up was only a GIF.
26. You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the
chair in front of your computer with a toilet.
27. Your wife says communication is important in a marriage…
so you buy another computer and install a second phone line
so the two of you can chat.
28. As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain
road, your first instinct is to search for the “back” button.
The bad and the worse news
A man visits the doctor for a checkup, and after some tests, the doctor comes in with a grave look on his face.Doctor: Well, I have some bad news and some really bad news.Man: Well, give me the really bad news first.Doctor: You have cancer, and only 6 months to live.Man: And the bad news?Doctor: You have Alzheimer’s disease.Man: That’s great. I was afraid I had cancer!
A POKE
Dale Earnhart, Mark Martin and Gordon are all on a fishing trip. After a few
hours and no bites, Dale jumps into the shallow water unzips and waves his
jiggly worm around. Pow! A huge bass hits it and he walks to the bank, pokes it
in the eye to make it release from his manhood, and holds up a 55 pound Bass.
Mark takes a look and jumps in the water and waves his peter around in the
water. Bam, another Bass! He walks to the shore and pokes the fish in the eye
and picks up a 70 pound Bass.
A little while passes and Dale looks at Jeff and says, “Aren’t you going to
give it a try?”
Jeff replies, “No, I don’t want to get poked in the eye!”
A Beautiful Thing
My god! What happened to you?” the bartender asked Kelly as he hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a cast.”I got in a tiff with Riley.””Riley? He’s just a wee fellow,” the barkeep said, surprised. “He must have had something in his hand.””That he did,” Kelly said. “A shovel it was.””Dear Lord. Didn’t you have anything in your hand?” “Aye, that I did, Mrs. Riley’s tit,” Kelly said. “And a beautiful thing it was, but not much use in a fight.”
One Post, two Globes, and many Times.
Q. How many newspapers can a woman hold between her legs?
A. One Post, two Globes, and many Times.
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