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Airplane Ride

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A farmer and his wife went to a fair. The farmer was fascinated by the airplanes and asked a pilot how much a ride would cost.
“$10 for 3 minutes,” replied the pilot.

“That’s too much,” said the farmer.

The pilot thought for a second and then said, “I’ll make you a deal. If you and your wife ride for 3 minutes without uttering a sound, the ride will be free. But if you make a sound, you’ll have to pay $10.”

The farmer and his wife agreed and went for a wild ride. After they landed, the pilot said to the farmer, “I want to congratulate you for not making a sound. You are a brave man.”

“Maybe so,” said the farmer, “But I gotta tell ya, I almost screamed when my wife fell out.”

Never Trust a Corkman

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This Irish guy goes into a bar in the Greek Islands. Sinead, an
Irish student who is currently working behind the bar, takes his
order and notices his Irish accent. Over the course of the
night, they talk quite a bit. At the end of the night, he asks
her to sleep with him. Although she fancies him, she says no. He
then offers to pay her 100 quid for the deed. Sinead is
travelling the world, and because she is strapped for cash, she
agrees.

The next night, the same guy turns up, and after showing her
plenty of attention throughout the night, he asks her to sleep
with him again for 100 quid. She figures “in for a penny – in
for a pound,” and as it was fantastic the night before, she goes
home with him again.

This goes on for 5 nights. On the sixth night the guy comes into
the bar, but this night he just orders a beer and sits in the
corner. Sinead is disappointed, and figures that maybe she
should pay him more attention.

She goes over and sits beside him. She asks him where he’s from,
and he says, “Cork.” “Wow,” she says, “Me too! – what part?”
“Montenotte,” he says. “Jesus, that’s amazing,” she says, “Which
street?” To which he names the street. She is truly gobsmacked.
“This is uncanny,” she says, “what number?” “Number 20.” “You
are not going to believe this,” she says, “I’m from number 22!
My parents still live there!” “I know”, he says. “Your Da gave
my five hundred quid to give you!”

The Top 15 Signs Your Co-Worker Is Moonlighting as a Pro Wrestler

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15> Jenkins in accounting only answers to “The Number Cruncher.”

14> More choke-holds than usual on the redhead in word processing.

13> Within seconds of getting called on the carpet, he’s managed to put the boss in a headlock.

12> Every morning when she comes in, she climbs up each corner of her cubicle and raises her fists in the air.

11> Casual Friday means no cape.

10> Although his manager’s office is adequately furnished for meetings, he takes a folding chair into his salary review.

9> After coffee breaks, he returns to his chair by leaping from the top of the cubicle wall.

8> You’ve learned not to lend her an office chair. Ever.

7> He’s always putting Colin Powell in headlocks during cabinet meetings.

6> Fixes his computer by jumping from the top of his cubicle and hitting the monitor with a forearm smash.

5> “And our employee of the month is Fr– what? Er, sorry — ‘Stone Cold’ Fred Waznowski.”

4> Clients used to be escorted politely to the door. Now they’re tossed screaming over the cubicle walls.

3> He requires you to tag in before he gives up the urinal in the restroom.

2> Ends every meeting by putting Bob from accounting through the conference table.

1> “Fax Machine, it’s time for me to drag your malfunctioning ass into the squared circle of *pain*!”

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]

[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]

Frog wishes

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Three women were out golfing one day and one of them hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her,
‘If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes.’

The woman freed the frog and the frog said,
‘Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better.’

The woman said,
‘That would be OK,’ and for her first wish she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned her,
‘You do realize this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, and that women will flock to him.’

The woman replied,
‘That will be OK because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me.’

So, poof – she’s the most beautiful woman in the world.

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

The frog said,
‘That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be 10 times richer than you.’

The woman said,
‘That will be okay because what is mine is his and what is his is mine.’

So, poof – she’s the richest woman in the world.

The frog then inquired about her third wish and she answered,
‘I’d like a mild heart attack.’

The Old Fart

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An old woman came into her doctor’s office and confessed to an embarrassing problem.

“I fart all the time, Doctor Johnson, but they’re soundless, and they have no odor. In fact, since I’ve been here, I’ve farted no less than twenty times. What can I do?”

“Here’s a prescription, Mrs. Harris. Take these pills three times a day for seven days and come back and see me in a week.”

Next week an upset Mrs. Harris marched into Dr. Johnson’s office.

“Doctor, I don’t know what was in those pills, but the problem is worse! I’m farting just as much, but now they smell terrible! What do you have to say for yourself?”

“Calm down, Mrs. Harris,” said the doctor soothingly.

“Now that we’ve fixed your sinuses, we’ll work on your hearing!!!”

Un hombre muere y va

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Un hombre muere y va al cielo. Se encuentra con San Pedro y San Pedro le dice:

“Amigo, todav�a no era su tiempo de morir, as� es que le dar� 5 d�as extra para regresar a la tierra, pero tendr� que regresar en forma de animal, as� es que, escoja…”

El hombre se pone a pensar y dice: “Gallina, eso estar�a bien… comer ma�z, dormir de 5 a 5 en paja deliciosa, no tener problemas con otros animales, Gallina quiero!”

As� es que �pum!, San Pedro lo convierte en Gallina.

El tipo se encuentra feliz y tranquilo cacareando aqu� y all�, pescando granos de ma�z del suelo y piensa para s� mismo: “Buena decisi�n!”.

En la noche, el granjero empuja a las gallinas a la granja y este tipo se busca un montoncito de paja a gusto. Se sienta y piensa para s� mismo: “Buena decisi�n!”

A las 5 de la ma�ana, el granjero patea la puerta que retumba, agarra la primera gallina de la fila, la levanta, no hay huevos, le arranca el cuello, sale cuello por un lado, cuerpo por el otro. La segunda gallina, un par de huevos, la deja en paz. La tercera gallina, no hay huevos, -ya sabemos que pasa- y el tipo empieza a sudar fr�o porque debajo de su cuerpo no hay huevos, y dice: “�Ay, en la madre!” y empieza a pujar rezando: “�Por favor, un huevo, Dios, un huevo!”, puja, puja y puja.

En eso, su mujer le dice:

“�Despi�rtate, que te est�s cagando en la cama!”

Some mildly amusing one liners…

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– Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm – Drink ’til she’s cute, but stop before the wedding – Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines – Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese – I’m not cheap, but I am on special this week – I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met – I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol – I intend to live forever – so far, so good – I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy – If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? – If you ain’t makin’ waves, you ain’t kickin’ hard enough! – Mental backup in progress – Do Not Disturb! – Mind Like A Steel Trap – Rusty And Illegal In 37 States – Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of – Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have – Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion. – The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes. – When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane. – Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy. – Give a man a free hand and he’ll run it all over you. – If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they. – Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder … – 24 hours in a day … 24 beers in a case … coincidence? – If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously >> overlooked something. – Many people quit looking for work when they find a job. – Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire. – When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded. – Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film. – Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo! – If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn? – Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk? – What happens if you get scared half to death twice? – Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery. – I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone. – I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out. – I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder. – Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark. – How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink? – Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them. – Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor. – Why do psychics have to ask you for your name? – Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms! – For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain. – OK, so what’s the speed of dark? – Corduroy pillows: They’re making headlines! – Black holes are where God divided by zero. – All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand. – I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

Kid Readiness Test

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How to know whether or not you are ready to have kids.

MESS TEST
Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Place a fish stick
behind the couch and leave it there all summer.

TOY TEST
Obtain a 55 gallon box of Legos (or you may substitute roofing
tacks). Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a
blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream
because this would wake a child at night.

GROCERY STORE TEST
Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them
with you as you shop. Always keep them in sight and pay for
anything they eat or damage.

DRESSING TEST
Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net
bag making sure that all the arms stay inside.

FEEDING TEST
Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water.
Suspend from the ceiling with a cord. Start the jug swinging.
Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal into the mouth of the
jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents
of the jug on the floor.

NIGHT TEST
Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8-12
pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 3:00p.m. begin
to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00p.m. Lay down your bag
and set your alarm for 10:00p.m.Get up, pick up your bag, and
sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more
and sing these too until 4:00a.m. Set alarm for 5:00a.m. Get up
and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.

INGENUITY TEST
Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and pot of paint,
turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet paper tube and turn
it into an attractive Christmas candle. Use only scotch tape and
a piece of foil. Last, take a milk carton, a ping-pong ball, and
an empty box of Cocoa Puffs. Make an exact replica of the Eiffel
Tower.

AUTOMOBILE TEST
Forget the BMW and buy a station wagon. Buy a chocolate ice
cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there.
Get a dime. Stick it into the cassette player. Take a family
size package of chocolate chip cookies. Mash them into the back
seat. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There,
perfect.

PHYSICAL TEST (Women)
Obtain a large bean bag chair and attach it to the front of your
clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10 of the
beans. And try not to notice your closet full of clothes. You
won’t be wearing them for a while.

PHYSICAL TEST (Men)
Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter.
Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food
store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be
directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home
and read it quietly for the last time.

FINAL ASSIGNMENT
Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on
how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance,
toilet training and child’s table manners. Suggest many ways
they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow
their children to run wild. Enjoy this experience. It will be
the last time you will have all the answers.

Wood You Tell?

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Jack and Dan work together and are good friends while at work.
Outside of work they live different lives. One day, Jack and Dan
are in the breakroom relaxing and drinking coffee when Jack asks
Dan the following:

JACK: Hey Dan can I ask you a personal question?

DAN: It depends, how personal?

JACK: Not much. Just wondering if you keep any secrets from your
wife?

DAN: Oh no. I tell my wife everything.

JACK: Really. Then let me ask you this. If you went camping in
the woods. You got all drunk and passed out, and in the morning
you woke up with scrapes all on your knees and hands. And coming
out of your ass was a used condom! Would you tell your wife that?

DAN YELLS: Hell no!

JACK: Okay! (Pauses a few seconds) Hey Dan, Wanna go camping?