Q:what do you catch when you go ice fishing
A:a cold
Author: admin
Secretary Helping Out
Mr. Johnson got himself a new secretary. She was young, sweet, and very polite.
One day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open. When leaving the room, she said, “Mr. Johnson, your barracks door is open.”
He did not understand her remark, but later on he happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open. He decided to have some fun with his secretary. Calling her in, he asked, “By the way Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door was open this morning, did you also notice a soldier standing at attention?”
The secretary, who was quite witty replied, “Why no sir, all I saw was a little disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags.”
Yo Mamma (bunch of oneliners)
Yo Mama so dump she looked at an orange juice box for 2 hrs. just because it said CONCENTRATEYo Mama so fat she just fatYo Mama so ugly hell started to cryYo Mama so fat Jupiter got jealousYo Mama so fat she got hit by a parked carYo Mama so desperate she told me that she would give me a blow job for a quarter.Yo Mama so dump she went to the SUPER BOWL with a spoon.Yo Mama so horny she’s on the fence sayin’ here kitty kitty.Yo Mama so ugly she too ugly.Yo Mama so dump she went to the salon for a facial.
Viagra…
There was this couple once who had everything; the son and daughter, a house, a cat… I mean the basic stuff. Well I guess as the got older they started to lose their sex drive. This discouraged the husband so he went to the doctor and got some extra strength Viagra even though it was still in its trial phase. Well the doctor told him, “only one pill a day, and I’ll call you at the end of the week.” So the doctor calls at the end of the week and asks how well the pills are working. The man replies, “Oh their great! I haven’t had sex like this for 10 years!” The doctor tells him to “keep it up, and remember… only ONE pill a day.” The wife found out however and started slipping him an extra pill each day without him knowing. So when the doctor called and asked how everything was holding up the man replied, “I’m addicted! I haven’t had sex like this since I was 16!” Now the doctor was kind of suspicious but just let it go and decided to call him at the end of next week. Meanwhile, the greedy wife (who was loving it) started giving him 3 doses of xtra strength viagra a day. The doctor called at the same time next week, but this time a little boy answered the phone. “Are your parents there?” the doctor asked. “Well… they are but there locked in their room and won’t come out.” The boy answered. “Ok.. I’ll call back in 3 hours.” The doctor promised; but when he called back the boy answered the phone again. “You just missed them… they came down and got a drink and ran right back upstairs.” The boy informed him. “Listen I’ll be there in 5 minutes!” The doctor by this time had a pretty good idea what was going on and rushed over there as fast as he could; but being unreliable, he got there an hour later. When he knocked on the door the little boy answered the door. In desperation the doctor asked where the boy’s parents were. The boy took a deep breath and said, “Mom’s dead, sister’s pregnant, my butt hurts, and dad’s looking for the cat.”
There are more jokes like this at http://www.dirtylaughs.com
Error writer
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define great, he said, “I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!”
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by curtis
Way of Life
1. I’m not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.
2. I’m in shape. Round is a shape.
3. I’ve always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been
more specific.
4. Ever notice when you blow in a dog’s face he gets mad at you,
but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the
window?
5. Ever notice that anyone driving slower than you is an idiot,
but anyone going faster is a maniac?
6. You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five
miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now and we have no idea
where she is.
7. I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I
lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody
stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of
them.
8. They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if
you’ve got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your
laundry isn’t your biggest problem.
9. Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they
tell you it’s because they’re such beautiful animals. I think my
wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the
wall.
Jelly Baby
A Jelly Baby goes to see his doctor
“Doctor, doctor i think i have aids!”
The Doctor says:
“You can’t have aids, you’re a jelly baby.”
To which he replies
“Yeah I know but I’ve been shaggin Allsorts”
AirForce 1
When the AirForce 1 prepares to land, the Captain speaks over the intercom:
“The seatbelt sign is on Mr. President, would you please put the stewardess in the upright position.”
Dickhead
Your a homalsexul NO dick NO fanny NO tecticals the only dick you have is on your head DICKHEAD.
Dating vs. Marriage
When you are dating….. Farting is never an issue.
When you are married ….You make sure there’s nothing flammable near your
husband at all times.
When you are dating….. He takes you out to have a good time.
When you are married ….He brings home a 6 pack, and says “What are you going
to drink?”
When you are dating….. He holds your hand in public.
When you are married ….He flicks your ear in public.
When you are dating….. A Single bed for 2 isn’t THAT bad.
When you are married ….A King size bed feels like an army cot.
When you are dating….. You are turned on at the sight of him naked.
When you are married ….You think to yourself “Was he ALWAYS this hairy????”
When you are dating….. You enjoyed foreplay.
When you are married ….You tell him “If we have sex, will you leave me
alone???”
When you are dating….. He hugs you, when he walks by you for no
reason.
When you are married ….He grabs your boob any chance he gets.
When you are dating….. You picture the two of you together, growing old
together.
When you are married ….You wonder who will die first.
When you are dating….. Just looking at him makes you feel all “mushy.”
When you are married ….When you look at him, you want to claw his eyes out.
When you are dating….. He knows what the “hamper” is.
When you are married ….The floor will suffice as a dirty clothes storage
area.
When you are dating….. He understands if you “Aren’t in the mood.”
When you are married ….He says “It’s your job.”
When you are dating….. He understands that you have “male” friends.
When you are married ….He thinks they are all out to steal you away.
When you are dating….. He likes to “discuss” things.
When you are married ….He develops a “blank” stare.
When you are dating….. He calls you by name.
When you are married ….He calls you “Hey” and refers to you when speaking to
others as “She.”
Flight to New York
A beautiful, well-dressed blonde seats herself in the first class cabin on a
cross-country flight, and settles her in for the trip, smiling prettily at
admiring passengers seated around her.
Underway, a flight attendant soon approaches the blonde and says, ‘Miss, I’m
sorry, but I see that your ticket is for coach, and you’re seated in first
class; I’m afraid you’ll have to move.’
The blonde replies, ‘I’m blonde, and I’m beautiful, and I’m going to New York
to be a model.’
Slightly incredulous, the attendant alerts the senior flight attendant.
The senior attendant approaches the blonde and says, politely,’I’m sorry,
Miss, but since your ticket is for coach, you’ll have to move back.’
The blonde replies, sweetly, ‘I’m Blonde, and I’m beautiful, and I’m going to
New York to be a model’ — and shows no signs of moving.
Frustrated, the senior attendant informs the captain, and he says he’ll deal
with the problem. He turns over flight control, walks to the rear, and observes
the blonde seated comfortably in first class.
Approaching her with a smile, the captain leans over and speaks quietly into
the blonde’s ear. Almost immediately, the blonde gathers her things, gets up,
and moves quickly to the coach compartment.
Amazed, the senior flight attendant asks the captain, ‘Captain, I’m impressed
… what did you say to her?’
The captain grinned slyly and said, ‘I just told her that the first class
cabin doesn’t go to New York.’
Twenty-nine year olds
Why does Michael Jackson like twenty-nine year olds?
Because there are twenty of them.