The judge came home and found his wife in bed
with his very best friend.
“Hey, what do you think you’re doing?”
“See,” the wife said to the man beside her,
“I told you he was stupid.”
Author: admin
Boxers or Briefs
Mr. DOLE was being interviewd by MTV and they popped the famous questoin,
“Do you wear boxers or briefs?”
“Depends.” says Mr. DOLE.
Adventures of the New Priest
Once there was a Catholic church that recently got itself a new
priest. This priest was fixed on bringing young people to the
church. One day the older priest said down the younger one and
said, “You have done much good for our church! When you
suggested we get bucket seats instead of pews, the teenage
population of our church really went up!” The young priest
smiled smugly.
Then he continued, “And when you decided to bring in rock gospel
groups instead of a choir, the teenage population went up
further.” He smiles again.
“But the thing I’m not sure about is the drive-in confessional.
I mean, the whole idea is fine, but I’m concerned about the neon
sign in front. We might need to change that.” The other guy
frowned. “Well, what’s wrong with it, father?” “I just don’t
think that ‘Toot and Tell or go to Hell is such a nice gesture!”
Knock knock
knock knock
“whos there?”
Boo
“boo who”
Dont cry its only a joke
Turn to stone
there were two kids playing basketball outside of an apartment building one kid sees a really hot girl naked in the shower and says to the other come here theres a really hot naked girl and the other kid runs away. the next day they are playing basketball there again and the kid that saw the girl said “hey why did u leave yesterday?” and the other kid said”because my mom said if i saw a naked lady i would turn to stone and i started to feel something get hard.
Lawyer Vacancy
There was a job opening in the country’s most prestigious law firm and it finally comes down to Robert and Paul.Both graduated magna cum laude from law school. Both come from good families. Both are equally attractive and well spoken. It’s up to the senior partner to choose one, so he takes each aside and asks, “Why did you become a lawyer?” In seconds, he chooses Paul.Baffled, Robert takes Paul aside.”I don’t understand why I was rejected. When Mr. Armstrong asked me why I became a lawyer, I said that I had the greatest respect for the law, that I’d lay down my life for the Constitution and that all I wanted was to do right by my clients. What in the world did you tell him?””I said I became a lawyer because of my hands,” Robert replies.”Your hands? What do you mean?””Well, I took a look one day and there wasn’t any money in either of them!”
What would you like on your tombstone?
These epitaphs, taken from actual tombstones.
On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in East Dalhousie Cemetery, Nova Scotia: Here lies Ezekial Aikle Age 102 The Good Die Young.
In a London, England cemetery: Ann Mann Here lies Ann Mann, Who lived an old maid But died an old Mann. Dec. 8, 1767
In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery: Anna Wallace The children of Israel wanted bread And the Lord sent them manna, Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife, And the Devil sent him Anna.
Playing with names in a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery: Here lies Johnny Yeast Pardon me For not rising.
Memory of an accident in a Uniontown, Pennsylvania cemetery: Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake Stepped on the gas Instead of the brake.
In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery: Here lays Butch, We planted him raw. He was quick on the trigger, But slow on the draw.
A widow wrote this epitaph in a Vermont cemetery: Sacred to the memory of my husband John Barnes who died January 3, 1803 His comely young widow, aged 23, has many qualifications of a good wife, and yearns to be comforted.
A lawyer’s epitaph in England: Sir John Strange Here lies an honest lawyer, And that is Strange.
Someone determined to be anonymous in Stowe, Vermont: I was somebody. Who, is no business Of yours.
Lester Moore was a Wells, Fargo Co. station agent for Naco, Arizona in the cowboy days of the 1880’s. He’s buried in the Boot Hill Cemetery in Tombstone, Arizona: Here lies Lester Moore Four slugs from a .44 No Les No More.
In a Georgia cemetery: “I told you I was sick!”
John Penny’s epitaph in the Wimborne, England, cemetery: Reader if cash thou art In want of any Dig 4 feet deep And thou wilt find a Penny.
On Margaret Daniels grave at Hollywood Cemetery Richmond, Virginia: She always said her feet were killing her but nobody believed her.
In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England: On the 22nd of June – Jonathan Fiddle – Went out of tune.
Anna Hopewell’s grave in Enosburg Falls, Vermont has an epitaph that sounds like something from a Three Stooges movie: Here lies the body of our Anna Done to death by a banana It wasn’t the fruit that laid her low But the skin of the thing that made her go.
More fun with names with Owen Moore in Battersea, London, England: Gone away Owin’ more Than he could pay.
Someone in Winslow, Maine didn’t like Mr. Wood: In Memory of Beza Wood Departed this life Nov. 2, 1837 Aged 45 yrs. Here lies one Wood Enclosed in wood One Wood Within another. The outer wood Is very good: We cannot praise The other.
On a grave from the 1880’s in Nantucket, Massachusetts: Under the sod and under the trees Lies the body of Jonathan Pease. He is not here, there’s only the pod: Pease shelled out and went to God.
The grave of Ellen Shannon in Girard, Pennsylvania is almost a consumer tip: Who was fatally burned March 21, 1870 by the explosion of a lamp filled with “R.E. Danforth’s Non-Explosive Burning Fluid” Oops!
Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York: Born 1903–Died 1942 Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the car was on the way down. It was.
In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery: Here lies an Atheist All dressed up And no place to go.
Britney’s pregnancy
Britney says her pregnancy hasn’t been easy however, she’s gets up every morning feels sick to her stomach and quite often throws up.
What a coincidence, most people who tune into her new TV show do the same exact thing.
-Rick Fancy
N.C. State
Q: How many NC State students does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three – one to change the bulb, and two to discuss how they did it as well as anyone in Chapel Hill.
Organ donor
“Are you an organ donor?”
“No, but I once gave an old piano to the Salvation Army.”
Liberated Women
How many liberated women does it take to change a light bulbs?
Five. One to turn the bulb and four to form a support group.
The Chicken’s
What did the baby chick say to his mummy when she laid an Orange?
” Look what Marma-Lade!! “