A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day. He sat down next to a priest. The drunk’s shirt was stained, his face was full of bright red lipstick and he had a half-empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket. He opened his newspaper and started reading. A couple minutes later, he asked the priest, “Father, what causes arthritis?””Mister, it’s caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and contempt for your fellow man,” the priest replied.”Imagine that,” the drunk muttered. He returned to reading his paper.The priest, thinking about what he had said, turned to the man and apologized: “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?””I don’t have arthritis, Father,” the drunk said, “but I just read in the paper that the Pope does!”
Author: admin
Coke Machine
Yo mama is like a coke machine–50 cent and you get the real thing.
Viagra
I took one of those viagra tablets the other day, it got stuck in my throat and I had a stiff neck for about eight hours!
A student’s request for extra money
A student called up his Mom one evening from his college and asked her for some money, because he was broke.His Mother said, “Sure, sweetie. I will send you some money. You also left your economics book here when you visited two weeks ago. Do you want me to send that up too?””Uhh, oh yeah, O.K.” responded the kid.So his Mom wrapped the book along with the checks up in a package, kissed Dad goodbye, and went to the post office to mail the money and the book. When she gets back, Dad asked, “Well how much did you give the boy this time?””Oh, I wrote two checks, one for $20, and the other for $1,000 out to him.””That’s $1020!!!” yelled Dad, “Are you going crazy???””Don’t worry hon,” Mom said, kissed Dad on the on top of his bald head, “I taped the $20 check to the cover of his book, but I put the $1,000 one somewhere between the pages in chapter 15!”
Nurses Revenge
A bigshot business man had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his employees. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.
The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She walked into his room and announced, “I have to take your temperature.”
After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.
“No, I’m sorry, the nurse stated, “but for this reading, I can’t use an oral thermometer.”
This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind.
After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, “I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!”
She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door, laughing. After almost an hour, the man’s doctor comes into the room.
“What’s going on here?” asked the doctor.
Angrily, the man answers, “What’s the matter, Doc? Haven’t you ever seen someone having their temperature taken before?”
After a pause, the doctor replies, “Yes, but never with a daffodil!”
Money can’t buy you happiness,
Money can’t buy you happiness, but it can take you a long way
from misery.
Look out for #1. Don’t
Look out for #1. Don’t step in #2 either.
Breaststroke
There was a competition to swim from Santa Monica to Catalina doing only the breaststroke, and the three women who entered the race were
a brunette, a redhead and a blonde.
After approximately 14 hours, the brunette staggered up on the shore and was declared the fastest breaststroker. About 40 minutes later, the Redhead crawled out and was declared the second place finisher.
Nearly 4 hours after that, the blonde finally came ashore and promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers.
When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complete the race, she replied, “I don’t want to sound like I’m a sore loser, but
I think those two other girls were using their arms.”
Untitled joke
How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
None, I’ll sit in the dark. I’ll be fine, don’t worry, it’s okay. It’s not like you ever come to visit me anyway. Oy!
Dead Doberman
A highly timid little man, ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx and
clearing his throat asked, “Um, err, which of you gentlemen owns the
Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?”
A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing out
through the seams, turned slowly on his stool, looked down at the
quivering little man and said, “It’s my dog. Why?”
“Well,” squeaked the little man, obviously very nervous, “I believe my dog
just killed it, sir.”
“What?” roared the big man in disbelief. “What in the hell kind of dog do
you have?”
“Sir,” answered the little man, “It’s a four week old puppy.”
“Bull!” roared the biker, “How could your puppy kill my Doberman?”
“It appears that he choked on it, sir.”
What was the first thing
What was the first thing Monica Lewinsky saw in Washington?
The executive branch.
so fat she went on a plane and only the wings…
so fat she went on a plane and only the wings left the ground