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One day this Blonde walked into her doctors office.
“Doctor, Doctor I’m having these awlful pains in my back.”
“Well let me take a look.”
When the doctor looked he had a look of suprise on his face.
“This is amazing.”
What is is doctor?”
“I didn’t know that the new Toyotas had ribbed leather rear seating!”
What is a comedian’s favorite candy?
Snickers!
How do you keep a blonde in the shower all day?
Give her a bottle of shampoo which says “lather, rinse, repeat.”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
2 men went hiking. They set the tent up when all of a sudden a
bear jumped out. Frightened,the men started to run. The first
man stopped to take his running shoes out. The other guy said
what are you doing you cant outrun a bear! The man said all i
need to outrun is you.
A man and a woman had been married for ten years and decided to try and have kids. They had not been using birth control for the entire time they had been married, so they thought they may have a problem conceiving.The woman decided to go to the gynecologist and see if they problem was with her. She had been hard of hearing since she was little. The doctor examined her and came in to give her the conclusions.He said, “I’m sorry, but the problem is with you. You have insufficient passion and if you ever have a baby it will be a miracle.”The woman was very upset and went home crying. Her husband got home and asked her what was wrong.She said, “The doctor told me I’ve got a fish up my passage and if I ever have a baby it will be a macarel.”
Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.
Q: Why do blondes wear tampons with long strings?
A: So the crabs can go bungee jumping!
The Geography of a Woman
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Between the ages of 18 – 21 a woman is like Africa or Australia. She is half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful with bushland around the fertile deltas.
Between the ages of 21 – 30 a woman is like America or Japan. Completely discovered, very well developed and open to trade especially with countries with cash or cars.
Between the ages of 30 – 35, she is like India or Spain. Very hot, relaxed and convinced of its own beauty.
Between the ages of 35 – 40 a woman is like France or Argentina. She may have been half destroyed during the war but can still be a warm and desirable place to visit.
Between the ages of 40 – 50 she is like Yugoslavia or Iraq. She lost the war and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.
Between the ages of 50 – 60 she is like Russia or Canada. Very wide, quiet and the borders are practically unpatrolled but the frigid climate keeps people away.
Between the ages of 60 – 70 a woman is like England or Mongolia. With a glorious and all conquering past but alas no future (a bit like Tony Blair, maybe Blair’s a women really).
After 70, they become Albania or Afghanistan. Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.
The Geography of a Man
————————
Between the ages of 15 – 70 a man is like Zimbabwe – ruled by a dick.
Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Curtis
Two drunks were in a bar feeling angry.
Then Angry got mad and walked out.
In a first grade class the teacher was teaching the five senses. When the
teacher got to the sense of taste, she had taste test for the students.
Steve was up first. The teacher put a piece of orange in Steve’s mouth and
asked, “Okay Steve, what is it?” Steve replied, “Oh that’s easy! It’s
orange.”
The teacher put a picece of apple in Steve’s mouth and asked, “Okay Steve,
what is it?” Stve replied, “This is easy too! It’s apple.”
The teacher then put a Hershes Kiss chocolate in Steve’s mouth and asked,
“What is it?” Steve replied, “I’m not sure. I don’t know.” The teacher
gave Steve a clue, “It’s something that mommy gives daddy every night
before she goes to bed.” All of a sudden Johny yells out from the back of
the room, “Spit it out Steve! It’s a piece of ass!”
Knock KnockWho’s there?Vanessa!Vanessa who?Vanessa going to grow up?
An old man went to the social security office to sign up.
He had stood in the line for a very long time until it was finally his turn.
The lady behind the counter asks him for identification. He went to get his
wallet out of his back pocket and realized he had left it at home. The lady told
him that was alright he could just show her his chest hairs and if they were
grey she knew he was old enough for social security.
After everything was done there he went home and told his wife how his day
went. He told her that he had forgotten his wallet at home and the lady at the
social security office just ask him to pull down the front of his shirt and she
could tell he was old enough.
After listening to his story his wife told him if he had dropped his pants he
probably could have gotten disability too.