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• You pronounce “sin” with two syllables.
• Your daughter’s beehive hairdo matches your wifes.
• You think Jesus is liberal.
• You enjoy talking to people in King James English.
• You know God on a first name basis.
• You have your application in for the Trinity.
• You are building your own pulpit for your living room.
• You think hair tonic is Biblical.
• You think dancing is a form of artificial insemination.
• You find June Cleaver attractive.
• You believe Moses could have shaved.
• You have a portrait of Sodom and Gommorrah the day after it was nuked.
• You pronounce it “Bab-tist.”
• You still think Jimmy Swaggert wasn’t so bad till he got caught up with those “wimmin.”
• You think “dike” is a big wall in Holland.
• You insist on using “gay” to describe your night out with the boys.
• You know the three greek words for love.
• You scrawl Bible verses on the bathroom walls at Stuckeys.
• You thought Naked Gun was a Clint Eastwood movie.
• You thought Back to the Future was a movie about Biblical Prophecy
• You called your teacher “the Beast” as a child.
• You barbecue ribs and invite your Muslim friends over for dinner.
• You’ve ever attended a book burning.
• You built your own ark model.
• You pointed out all the errors in Jurassic Park according to Genesis.
• You think Monopoly teaches greed.
• You store tracts in your cellular phone carrying case.
• You are one of those idiots who insist on bringing up religion on the airplane by saying, “Gee, if this plane were to crash, would you go to heaven?”
• You support Hare Krishna’s in the airport because it means your denomination can have a booth across the hall.
• You can trace Saddam Hussein’s genealogy to Nebuchaddnezzar.
• You think Mormons are mistaken but they sure do dress nice.
• You think genuflect is a type of mirror.
• You wonder why the Dali Lama worships those funny goat-like sheep.
• You wish you could preach like Louis Farrakhan.
• You can prove that unscrambling “Santa” is “Satan.”
• You know that Jesus was born in April but probably would have liked a tree anyway.
• You exchange any currency that has three 6’s in a row.
• You think credit cards are a tool of the devil to identify you to the Anti-Christ.
• You think that bar codes are demonic.
• You enjoy Wal Mart.
• You sneak a peek at Madonna’s Album covers and claim you’re doing research.
• You take National Geographic and draw bikinis on all the naked people.
• You think People Magazine is pornography.
• You think the band K.I.S.S. means Knights in Satan’s Service.
• You found back masking on Amy Grant’s albums that chant.
• You think that Gregorian Chants are a tool of the devil
• You think laughter is a tool of the devil.
• You think that tools are tools of the devil.
• you think that tools are devils.
• You buy everything at Sears.
• You think the J. C. Penny catalog is pretty snappy.
• You think Victoria’s Secret is an Illuminati conspiracy.
• You know the writing on the statue of liberty’s tablet was put there by a Mason.
• You have a chart of the hidden symbols of the dollar bill.
• You think Pat Robertson was okay till he ran for president.
• You think Jerry Falwell is liberal.
• You think Mother Theresa is stocking away all her money and getting away on wild weekends at Cannes.
• You say “Darn.”
• You have all of your radio buttons tuned into religious stations.
• You enjoy Muzak.
• Your idea of a hot weekend is to attend an anti-Catholic seminar.
• If you’ve ever helped in a baptism and you thought they should stay under water longer.
• You won’t wear a robe even in the bathroom.
• You won’t wear colored underwear.
• You think Phyllis Schafly is sexy.
• You think the guy with the hair and John 3:16 sign at golf tournaments is liberal.
• You think the NEA is a tool of the devil.
• You won’t go to a museum because they have pictures of nekked wimmin.
• You won’t go to a park because they have statues of nekked wimmin.
• You won’t go in your bathroom because your wife sometimes is nekked.
• You don’t have children because it means you and your wife would have to get nekked. . .a little.
• A modem is a tool of the devil.
• You think Deviled ham is a conspiracy of the Illumnati.
• You like Spam.
• You think Stuckey’s is a great american institution.
• You think Bingo was a pretty good game until them Catholics took it over.
• You think, “I wouldn’t be caught dead gambling,” as you purchase your lottery ticket as an investment.
• You think Bill Clinton is the Devil.
• You think Hillary Clinton is the Devil.
• You call Israel the Holy Land.
• You enjoy using flannel art.
• You think Charlton Heston was great in the Ten Commandments. . .but you repent of watching it because movies are a tool of the devil.
• You pronounce “repent” as “rheeeee- paint.”
• You say Amen more than once an hour.
• You pray so long your food gets cold.
• You think Doctors are a tool of the devil.
• You think teachers are a tool of the devil.
• You think science is a tool of the devil.
• You think Pat Buchanan is misunderstood.
• You think Burt Reynolds was great in Smoky and the Bandit. . .but you repent of watching it because movies are a tool of the devil.
• You sit still in your living room on Sundays so God won’t get pissed off at you because you are working on the Lord’s day.
• You have a fish on the back of your car, your boat, your bicycle and your briefcase.
• Your wife puts a scripture tract in your lunch.
• You become an Amway dealer to evangelise in disguise.
• You like being an Amway dealer.
• You think A.A. is liberal.
• You think Aids are those little chocolate candies to lose weight.
• You have your name stamped on all your Bibles.
• You have more than 10 Bibles.
• You think that Catholics actually pray to little plaster statues.
• You think Notre Dame football team are all secretly Jesuit priests in an Illuminati conspiracy.
• You think Amy Grant is a tool of the devil.
• You think underneath the Pope’s skull cap is the mark of the beast.
• You have evidence “They” are rebuilding the temple in Jerusalem.
• You name your children after the apostles.
• You name your child Ichabod, Shalmaneser, Jeremiah or Ezekiel.
• You have a Bible Cover that looks like a doily.
• You like all that country living paraphenalia crap.
• You preach against gossip but you thumb through the National Enquirer at the check-out line.
• You wonder just who is this Jenny McCarthy.
• You won’t own a credit card because “they” might use to give you a “mark of the beast.”
• You rail against Catholics for statues but wear a cross around your own neck.
• You always bring bean cassarole to a church pot-luck.

Rabbi in barA Rabbi walks into a bar to use the rest room. He walks up to the bartender, and asks “Can I please use the rest room?” The place was hoppin’ with music, and dancin’, till they saw the Rabbi. The bartender says, “I really don’t think you should.”The Rabbi again, asks, “Can I please use the rest room?” Well, the bartender says to the Rabbi, “I really don’t think you should, you see, there is a statue of a beautiful naked lady, and she’s only covered by a fig leaf!”The Rabbi responded with, “Nonsense a man of my stature will not be bothered by that statue!” Well, the bartender showed the Rabbi the door at the top of the stairs.The Rabbi proceeded to the rest room, and after a few minutes, he came back out, and the whole place was hoppin’ with music and dancin’ again! He went to the bartender and said, “Sir, I don’t understand, when I came in here, the place was hoppin’ with music and dancin’, then the place became absolutely quiet. I went to the rest room, and the place is hoppin’ again.”The bartender says, “Well, now you’re one of us, can I get you a drink?” The Rabbi says, “I still don’t understand.” The bartender told him, “You see, every time the fig leaf is lifted on the statue, the lights go out in the whole place. Now, can I get you a drink?”

My grandmother, who lived in Tucson, was well-known for her faith and her lack
of reticence in talking about it. She would go out on the front porch and yell,
“Praise the Lord!”
Her next door neighbor would shout back, “There isn�t a God!”
During those days, my grandmother was very poor, so the neighbor decided to
prove his point by buying a large bag of groceries and placing it at her door.
The next morning, Grandmother went to the porch and, seeing the groceries,
said, “Praise the Lord!”
The neighbor stepped out from behind a tree and said, “I brought those
groceries and there isn�t no God.”

I have an earache.2000 B.C. – Here, eat this root. 1000 A.D. – That root is heathen, say this prayer. 1850 A.D. – That prayer is superstition, drink this potion. 1940 A.D. – That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill. 1985 A.D. – That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic. 2000 A.D. – That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.

An old man and women are going out for a meal to celebrate there 50th anniversary.The old man is getting ready but cant find his shoes so he looks under the bed and finds a box with 2 eggs in it and a thousand pounds so that evening he questions his wife about it at dinner.

“Well..” she said “each time I was unfaithful to you I put an egg in the box”

“And what about the thousand pound?” asked the old man.

“Well…” Replies the woman “Each time I got a dozen eggs I sold them”